


White Blank Page

by Imprise, Renversermonmonde, Winglesss



Series: Hopeless Wanderer [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adultery, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Infidelity, Love Triangles, Mild Kink, Multi, Self-Destructive Behavior, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-03-17
Packaged: 2018-01-07 05:01:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 54,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1115822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imprise/pseuds/Imprise, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renversermonmonde/pseuds/Renversermonmonde, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winglesss/pseuds/Winglesss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel realized he was in love with his best friend, he decided to leave Lawrence, because he didn´t want to stand in the way of Dean´s happiness. They meet again five years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First: I want to thank my lovely friends Imprise and Renversermonmonde. They were much more than betas, they dealt with my poor English and writer´s blocks and the credit for some scenes belongs entirely to them.
> 
> Second: There are a lot of things that inspired me to write this story, especially the music of Mumford and Sons (all lyrics used in this fic are by this awesome band, if you want to use their music as a soundtrack, I can only recommend it) and my personal experience.
> 
> All feedback is appreciated! You can find me on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)
> 
> ETA:There´s a [sequel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1643333/) now!

**Where are you now?**   
**Where are you now?**   
**Do you ever think of me**   
**In the quiet, in the crowd?**

_Sometimes I miss you. I miss how you used to know me better than I did. I miss that I didn't need to say anything and you knew what I was thinking. I miss our late night talks and our stupid private jokes. I miss you when I'm making my coffee, because I still remember how you like yours._

_Sometimes I wish I could just hold you tight in my arms again. Then I imagine how much I would want to run my fingers through your hair, to kiss and taste and bite the delicate skin of your neck. I know I would crave to touch you, to have you, to possess every bit and piece of you._

_But I know I can't have any of this. I know I would destroy everything if I tried. I can't selfishly risk your happiness. I know it's better off this way._

_I'm not allowed to love you, but I can't just be your friend anymore. I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry._

Castiel used to write letters since he was a child. He used to write to his absent father (incidentally a drunk writer who left them before Castiel was even able to remember him), to his strict mother and her brother Zachariah who raised him. To his siblings and to his first crushes. He’s never sent any of them. They all stay in their envelopes with addresses written in Castiel’s neat handwriting, stored in an old leather bag. Castiel likes to read them sometimes, like a strange diary.

Right now he puts back the only letter he’s ever written to Dean. It is the only one because there never has been a thing he couldn't tell him. Castiel kisses the name on the envelope and stores it carefuly into its case. He wrote it three years ago, two years after he left Kansas. After he left Dean, his best friend. Every word in the letter is still true and Castiel reads it every time he feels the urge to come back to Kansas and try to find Dean.

 

* * *

 

Dean feels a little bit guilty even though he knows there's nothing wrong with being in a bar. He just wants to drink one or two beers and then he’ll go back to his motel room. Maybe he should call Lisa- normally he would go back home to her, right after work. But considering he is out of state and he had a pretty harsh day, he decided he deserves some time for himself. It’s not as if he’s whipped, sometimes he hangs out with Sammy, but they are both too busy to meet often. And Dean has to admit that after shit ton of paperwork the only thing he wants is to crawl into bed beside his wife. On the other side, sometimes he desperately needs to get out of the house.

He sips his beer and chats with the bartender (she might be the reason he feels a bit guilty) and when she leaves to serve another guest, he looks around the bar. He feels a blow of cold air from the outside and hears a thud of the door, so he checks out the newcomer.

His heart stammers. The man is older than when he’s seen him last time, but he still wears that stupid oversized trench coat which has the ugliest color Dean has ever seen. And oh my god how old is he that he can’t straighten his necktie? The dark haired man tries to pretend he haven’t notice him, but it’s too late because Dean’s gaze catches his incredibly blue eyes. He wets his lips with his tongue nervously, then he finally moves towards Dean. Dean gets up from his barstool, his heart is racing and his stomach is tied into knots. He wants to punch him, he wants to beat the living shit outta him. He wants to yell at him, to get out all the frustration he's been bottling up for years.

„Hello, Dean.“

And with these two simple words, all the anger is gone. Dean’s body moves of its own will. He throws himself around his neck. „Cas“ he breathes out.

Castiel smiles, but he doesn’t hug him back. Dean pulls away and slaps his shoulder.

"This is...I’m so glad to see you, man!" He's grinning widely but he feels a lump in his throat as he adds: "I thought I’d never see you again."

Castiel’s eyes are incredibly sad. Dean’s eyes rove over his face in a moment of awkward silence. "Uhm...beer?"

"Yes, thank you," Cas nods and sits beside Dean, who gestures at the bartender to give them two beers.


	2. Chapter 2

**But tell me now, where was my fault**   
**In loving you with my whole heart**   
**So tell me now, where was my fault**   
**In loving you with my whole heart**

 

It is better than Castiel would ever have expected. He is able to sit there, drink beer and talk with Dean even though his whole body aches with urge to touch him, to tell him how much he missed him.

Cas´eyes drop to Dean´s hand as it fidgets with the simple golden band on his ring finger.

"So you‘re still with Lisa?"

"Yeah, we got married four years ago."

Cas nods, forcing himself to smile.

"Do you have kids?"

Dean suddenly looks even more tired.

"Uhm no. We´ve been trying since we´ve got married but..."

"Something is wrong, but the doctors don´t know exactly what. She´s undergone some treatment... it was as useless as it was expensive."

"I´m sorry, Dean."

"That's ok."

"Have you discussed adoption?"

"Yeah. I told her there's a lot of children who need family. She started to cry that she wants her own child. She was still touchy due to all those hormones from the treatment but we´ve never talked about it again.“

Cas doesn't know what to say. Fortunately Dean doesn't seem to mind, he just orders them another drink, whiskey this time, and Castiel would protest normally but today he feels he´ll need the support of liquor.

He studies Dean´s face and wonders how is it possible he looks even better than when he was younger. His lips are still plump and beautifully shaped, his eyes bright green even though there are wrinkles around them. Castiel realizes he´s staring when Dean turns to him. Cas drops his eyes and turns away, smiles at the bartender who hands them their drinks.

"And what about Sammy? How's he doing?"

Dean´s face lights up when he smiles. "You know, he´ll always be ex-junkie but he´s doing really great. He got his degree! He´s a friggin lawyer now! And he´s got himself the sweetest girl insane enough to want someone like him." Castiel smiles genuinely, feeling a warmth filling his chest. He´s always liked Sam and he was with the Winchester brothers at their worst, after their father´s death, when Sam started to do drugs. Castiel left them shortly after Sam´s girlfriend Ruby overdosed and they finally convinced Sam to sign up for detox. It is nice to hear he's alright.

"I'm really happy to hear that, Dean."

 

After this and another glass of whiskey, all the tension is gone as if the last five years never happened, as if he never left. They are best friends talking about their lives. Cas hasn´t felt so happy in years.

"...I was there with Michael, my ex...“

"Wait, Michael?“ Dean cocks an eyebrow, "as in HE Michael?"

Cas nods with a smile.

"You are...but you used to like girls. What about Hester? Or Meg?"

"Yes Dean, I like girls, but I also like guys. I'm bisexual."

Dean nods slowly, his expression a little confused.

"Is it a problem, Dean?"

"No, no! Not at all. It´s pretty cool, actually. Did you...did you know that before you left Lawrence?"

"I think I kind of always knew. Come on, all those posters in my room? And I´ve been always good with girls but not the way you were. I think it was the reason why you let me in. I wasn´t competition for you.“

"Dammit Cas, stow your amateur shrink crap," Dean chuckles.

Cas smiles and they both finish their drinks.

"So I know what kind of girls you like, but what about guys? Do you have a type?"

 _You, you are my type, Dean_  - Cas thinks.

He bends his head, fidgeting with his empty glass.

"I guess I do. Basically I like strong guys, stubborn, even a little arrogant, who hide their emotions but are tender and vulnerable inside."

"Sounds like me," Dean jokes, but Cas remains silent, eyes sticked to the glass in his hands, soft smile on his lips.

"Cas did you.."

"Yes, Dean," his eyes finally meet Dean´s.

"Did you leave because..."

"Yes."

"Why didn’t you say anything?" There's a hint of hurt in Dean´s voice that makes Cas´ heart lurch.

"Because you were with Lisa. And you were happy, for the first time in your life things were going fine. I didn´t want to ruin everything."

"But you did! You left me!"

"It was the best thing to do!" Cas takes a deep breath to calm down. "We parted as friends. Without fights, without heartbreak. It was the best way."

"It was the best way for you. But I was abandoned without a word. I spent ages trying to figure out what I´ve done wrong. Why you left me."

"You thought it was your fault," Cas breathes out, surprised.

Before he can collect himself, Dean storms out of the pub followed by many curious eyes.

Cas pays for their drinks as fast as he can and hurries after him.

"Dean! Dean, wait!"

Dean turns around, he looks angry but there are tears in his eyes, his voice is raspy when he yells at Castiel: "I thought I failed you! I felt like hell for failing you! For failing you like I failed every other godforsaken thing I care about! I lost Mom, I lost dad and I almost lost Sammy and you made me lose you too because you were a coward!"

Cas suddenly feels a wave of anger rush through him.

"Yes I was! I was scared! I was scared to tell my alpha male best friend, that I love him! But most of all I just wanted you to be happy! I wanted you to be happy with Lisa!"

"Fine but I wasn´t! I´m not! I´m not happy with Lisa and I was never happy without you!"

Dean turns away and Cas is sure it´s because he doesn´t want to be seen crying.

He comes closer and hugs him as tight as it's possible to hug someone who´s taller than you. Dean struggles against him, but when Cas doesn't let go, he leans on him and lets out a low sob.

Cas strokes the back of Dean´s neck soothingly. "I´m sorry Dean, I´m so sorry."

Dean hugs him back, squeezing the air out of his lungs. "I missed you, Cas, I missed you so fucking much."

"I missed you too," Cas whispers.

They stand there in each other´s arms, their breathing calms down, tears drying on their cheeks.


	3. Chapter 3

**And my head told my heart**   
**"Let love grow"**   
**But my heart told my head**   
**"This time no**   
**This time no"**

Dean starts to pull away and Cas is preparing himself for "no chick-flick" comment but instead Dean's lips brush against his in a soft kiss.

"What are you doing," Cas inhales, still holding Dean close.

"Giving it a try. I wanna know how it would feel..."

"You are drunk," Cas can´t fight back a smile.

"Not enough. I know what I´m doing and if you´re not going to kiss me back, this will be pretty embarrassing."

Cas lets out a short laugh, then he yanks Dean closer and kisses him.

He kisses him deeply and hotly, trying to make it good, trying to say:  _This is how it would feel, it would be perfect._

The kiss leaves them breathless, clutching at each other's clothes.

"Let's go somewhere. I have a room in a motel nearby."

"Dean..."

"I haven´t seen you in five years Cas and I probably won´t see you again anytime soon. I want to spend some more time with you and I´m definitely not going back there," he points at the door to the bar.

"Well, let's go."

 

On the way to the motel Castiel swears to himself, they will just talk, nothing more.

"So who was your first gay thing," Dean breaks the awkward silence and Cas feels his neck burning.

"A young prostitute, he called himself Alfie."

"A hooker? You paid for sex? With Alfie?" Dean sounds not only surprised but even amused.

"I didn´t pay him. I tried to help him, took him home and found him a job. His true name was Samandriel."

Cas avoids Dean´s gaze but he knows Dean´s face is serious and kind now. "What happened?"

"Meth. He was a junkie. He stole some of my things and ran away."

"I´m sorry."

"No you are not, you think I was naive and I deserved it."

Dean gripps his shoulder to make Cas look at him.

"Cas, listen, you have the biggest heart and you are the kindest person I´ve ever known. Yeah you are a bit naive but it´s kinda adorable." Cas smiles and Dean grins back. "So no, I don´t think you deserved that. I would kick his ass if I met him. You deserve much better."

 

They come to Dean's motel room, when Cas sees the king size bed, he feels a hand of anxiety around his midsection, as if this was a first date.

Dean puts off his jacket and pulls out a bottle from a mini bar while Cas stands awkwardly by the door.

Dean comes near him, takes a sip and hands him the bottle. He waits till Cas takes a deep gulp, then asks:  "So when you are with a guy, are you the one who...you know, takes it... or sticks it? " Cas looks at him exasperated, he expects mockery in Dean´s face but the redness of Dean´s ears and neck gives away that there´s something more. He´s curious.

Castiel leans in and says firmly, his voice low and husky: "Both, Dean."

And then he really doesn't understand how it happens that they are on the bed, Cas´ trench coat is gone and his tie is used by Dean to draw Cas closer.

They kiss deeply, peeling off each other's clothes, caressing naked skin. They are frantic and desperate, but it´s not just about sex, not about bodies. They are two souls, used to be intertwined and separated for too long, trying to get as close as flesh allows them.

And it is absolutely overwhelming for Castiel. What he has dreamed of is suddenly here, unbearably real. Dean´s firm body under his, the smell of Dean´s cologne, the touch and taste of his hot skin, his hands in Cas´ hair, his tongue in Cas´mouth, his moans when Cas sucks on his nipple.

He is drowning in the sensation, trying to carve the memory into his bones, afraid that he can't wholly absorb this moment, that there is too much so something has to slip out and he doesn´t want to let it.

He can feel Dean's sped-up pulse when he licks a hot line over his neck, sucking tender skin between his teeth.

"Cas, don't."

Something cold and slimy twists in his stomach. Guilt. He can´t mark his lover, because it´s not his lover, it´s a married man. And he wants to back off, he wants to run away and he would, but Dean cups his cheek and pulls him into a kiss, grinding their hips together.

Cas reaches down, skimming his knuckles over the bulge beneath Dean´s fly, then he starts to fumble with a buckle of Dean´s belt.

The other man holds his breath, his body tense, he´s suddenly unsure and Cas can feel it. Dean grabs Cas´ wrist opening his mouth to say something but Cas looks him in the eyes and smiles. "Dean, I´m not gonna fuck you when you are drunk. But I want to touch you. I want to make you come." He lowers himself to nip at his jaw which makes Dean growl.

He lifts his hips to allow Cas to peel his pants and underwear down his legs in one long pull. They both gasp when Cas wraps his hand around Dean's cock. Dean squeezes his eyes shut when Cas starts stroking him. 

"Cas" he breathes out, low and needy which makes Cas´ cock twitch.

He strokes him in a nice steady pace, twisting his wrist slightly, brushing his thumb over the sensitive head, eliciting  soft moans from Dean. He kisses his Adam´s apple, Dean wraps his arms around him, balling the cotton of Cas´ undershirt in his fist.

"Take it off," he grunts, realizing that Cas is still dressed, "take it off!"

Cas grips the hem of the undershirt and pulls it over his head, abandoning Dean´s cock for a moment.

Dean starts to undo Cas´ pants, not ripping his eyes from his face. Cas feels like falling into the depths of Dean´s pupils, dilated with lust. He is beautiful, his plump lips are kiss-swollen and parted, hot breath is escaping between them in small pants, it makes Cas breathless. And then it hits him. It´s Dean. Not another meaningless one night stand. All those men and women Cas has been with before were just band-aids for the gaping wound in his heart. They were substitution for this, for Dean. The emotion is too strong. Blood is rushing in Cas´ ears, his heart beats so fast and strong that it must break his sternum in every minute. He leans his forehead on Dean´s collarbone, breathing heavily.

"Cas? You ok?" Dean runs his fingers through Cas´ hair, his other hand rubs soothing circles on his lower back.

"I´m having a heart attack."

Dean turns Cas´ head so he can look at his face.

"Do you want to stop?" There´s something worried and disappointed in Dean´s voice that makes Cas chuckle.

"I´d rather die than stop."

Dean kisses him, pulling their bodies as close as possible, trying to touch every inch of Cas´ skin. Cas can feel him, hard and slotted alongside his own length. He moves his hips slowly, rubbing them together in all the right ways.

"Cas, fuck!" Dean moans as he bucks his hips.

Cas reaches between them, grabbing their cocks in one hand, rubbing them together, rolling his body in waves.

Their lips never really part, even though the open mouthed kisses change into just sharing hot breaths and swallowing each others moans. Dean´s leg is wrapped around his thigh, his hand cupping Cas´ ass. Cas keeps stroking them in slow, steady rhythm, driving Dean crazy, making him writhe and growl. Dean´s hand joins his and he starts losing control, his moves erratic.

Dean comes first, screaming Cas´name. Cas doesn't stop moving until his own release. He throws his head back, tensing his body, biting his lip to stifle a cry. Dean continues rubbing his hand along the length of Castiel's erection, working him through his

orgasm.

Cas rests his face on Dean´s chest, thrembling and panting in aftershock. Dean kisses the top of his head, wraping his arms around him.

When Cas regains control of his breathing, he pulls himself off.

As soon as he finishes cleaning them up using his own undershirt, Dean pulls him back into his arms, intertwine their legs. Cas pulls a comforter over them and nuzzles

his head into the crook of Dean's neck.

 

* * *

 

Dean wakes up confused and disoriented. He expects to be in his bed with Lisa by his side but when he opens his eyes and stares at the unfamiliar ceiling, memories start to emerge. "Son of a bitch," he breathes out when the images of yeasterday´s night fill his mind.

 The bed is empty and there´s no sign of the other man in the room. Dean´s stomach quivers when he notices a sheet of paper on the bedside table.

_I´m sorry, Dean, I had an appointment in the morning. If you want to talk about yesterday, here´s my number._

Dean lets loose a joyless chuckle. Talk about yesterday. Of course he doesn't want to TALK about yesterday! He wants to understand what the hell has happened, why has it happened and what the fuck does it mean.

He's never been attracted to men (Doctor Sexy is fictional, therefore he doesn't count, right?) and he´s definitely never thought about Castiel in that way. He would love to blame it on alcohol but he knows it would be a lie. He´s missed Castiel, of course, he´s missed him a lot but he´s never imagined their reunion like this. It was crazy. And the worst part is that it felt so good, it felt right. But it wasn´t right. Even if Dean wasn´t married, sleeping with his best friend is wrong in all possible ways.

He steps into the shower, hoping that the hot water will wash away all his unpleasant emotions. He tries to scrub off all the remorse and guilt, but he can still feel Cas´ touches, his strong hands holding him, digging into his muscles. He can´t erase the memory of his lips and, oh god, his cock.   

Warmth pools in his midsection and his cock throbs in reaction to the memory.

"Fuck!" Dean hits the tiled wall with his fist and sets the water to cold.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really short but the next one will be much longer than usual. I’m sorry but there was no other way. Believe me you wouldn’t want me to divide the chapter in the middle of…the things they are doing in the next part ;)  
> So one short and smut-less for one long and smutty sounds fair, right?

**Can you lie next to her**   
**And give her your heart, your heart**   
**As well as your body**

Driving home helps Dean relax a bit. He focuses only on the purring of his baby and his favorite classic rock compilation he made when he was fifteen, trying to clear his head.

When he comes home it´s already dark, Lisa is watching TV in her nightgown.

"Dean!" she squeaks out and runs to him, throwing herself into his arms.

He smiles. "Hey, baby. I missed you," his voice is trembling slightly and he hugs her a little bit too tightly.

"Dean, are you okay?" she looks at him with concern.

"Yeah, I just really missed you," he kisses her hard, playing with her hair, his hand sliding under the hem of her nightgown and she chuckles against his lips.

"Lets go to bed" he whispers in her ear, his lips brushing over her earlobe.

She grabs his hand and drags him upstairs.

She's pliant under his hands and he knows exactly how her body will react and she knows how to make him feel good. She's gorgeous. Her dark eyes sparkle and her smile dazzles Dean. She's soft and smooth and with all the nice curves in the right places. And her moans are soft and sweet, not deep and husky growls and she smells of her flowery shampoo, which is so different from spicy aftershave.

She's everything he likes but not what he needs.

 

Dean sneaks out of bed when he's sure she's asleep.

He grabs his pants from the floor and puts them on. He goes down the stairs, pulls a bottle of whisky from the cabinet and sinks into the couch. He takes a gulp and exhales, feeling a slow burn spreading down his throat and into his stomach. His hands are shaking when he strokes his forehead. And he hurts. He hurts in the way that makes him unable to think, that makes even breathing difficult. He felt this way when Sam ran away to Stanford and once again when he chose Ruby over him. He felt this way when Castiel left him.

It seems that his whole world collapsed and there's no way how things could ever get better. Because honestly, they can´t. This is lose or lose situation. Castiel or Lisa. It´s a choice he cannot make. But he knows he will have to eventually and his whole body convulses and he sobs, running his hand through the hair on the back of his head.

He reaches into the back pocket of his jeans and pulls out a wrinkled piece of paper.

_If you want to talk about yesterday, here´s my number._

He stares at it, thinking about yesterday, about a chance meeting that has changed everything. Because Cas isn‘t lost anymore, Dean has a way to reach him. And Dean wants to reach him, he wants to have him have him in a way...

"Dean? Baby, are you okay?" Lisa turns the light on and Dean jumps, startled, shoving the note back in his pocket.

"Yeah, yeah I am. Go back to bed, I'll be there in a minute."

She sighs and approaches him, rubs the back of his neck. "I love you," she whispers and presses a kiss against his temple.

She leaves him and Dean takes another deep gulp of whiskey, then another, until he finishes the bottle and nods off on the couch.

* * *

 

Castiel hates everything, especially his stupid lust-driven self that ruined everything. He left Dean, making him feel guilty and abandoned just to fuck everything up after five years when the consequences are even worse. Because Dean's married. Castiel wishes Dean had refused him. Everything would be alright if he had been just angry at Cas, offended by the fact Cas is interested in him sexually. But Dean...And it only made everything worse.

Castiel feels guilty, he´s choking on his guilt, he can't think straight, he just wishes he could take the time back. But he can't. And he suffers.

He suffers not only by the guilt, he suffers because he wants Dean to call him, to tell him he wants to be with him. He wants Dean and it makes him guilty. He should get over it, forget about it because Dean obviously did and he's happy with Lisa which is what Castiel always wanted.

It's been six days and every day Cas thinks about the note he left. It was pretty lame for someone who writes letters for fun. But he didn't know what to write. The only things that came to mind didn't seem right. _I love you. I want to be with you. It was the best night of my life. I don´t want to leave you again. I can´t live without you anymore, not after this._

Dean would freak out. On the other hand, _If you want to talk about yesterday, here's my number_ was too cold.

Cas sighs, swallows a sleeping pill, washing it down with gin as he´s been doing every night since he met Dean again. He crawls to his bed when his phone buzzes. All the days before his heart would have skip the beat in anticipation. But today he´s resigned. He's sure it's not Dean. And he's wrong.

_I need to meet you._

* * *

 

Cas calls him the next day and tells him he will be in Kansas on Monday. He gives him an address of the apartment he will be staying at, because Dean suggests it would be better not to meet in a public place. Now he regrets this choice, staying in front of Cas' apartment, checking if he is at the right address for the thousandth  time.

Honestly he has cold feet. He wants to see Castiel again, he needs to. He told himself he just doesn't want to let him disappear again. He told himself it has nothing to do with sexual attraction. Cas is his friend, his best friend and Dean doesn't want to lose him, not this time.

But the thought that he will be alone with him makes him nervous.

_Nut up Winchester! You were drunk, so you were fooling around. It doesn´t matter, you just want him back in your life. That's all._

He finally knocks on the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was really hard to write but I enjoyed it very much. Please let me know what you think about my first sex scene ever. Special thanks to [ _Renversermonmonde_ ](http://renversermonmonde.tumblr.com/)

**I can take the road and I can fuck it all away  
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate**

_Just talking_. Dean tells himself before the door springs open and he sees Cas. He wears a plain white t-shirt and gray yoga pants that hang low on his hips. His hair is ruffled and Dean notices beads of sweat on his forehead and neck, he´s probably been working out. Dean can smell his sweat and his shampoo and feels the heat radiating from his body.

"Hello, Dean." Cas leans against the door frame with a forearm above his head and his shirt rides up, exposing Cas´ perfect hipbone.

And before Dean can stop himself, he's gripping this perfect hip and pushing Cas to the apartment, kissing him violently. When he kicks the door shut, Cas slams him against it.

He looks Dean in the eye. Dean licks his lips, Cas´eyes are gorgeous.

"I want you to fuck me," he breathes out, surprising himself.

Cas squints. "Are you drunk?" he´s so close that he has to look up at Dean.

"No! No, I´m not." He realizes that his hand still rests on Cas´ hip and he slides it up Cas´side, under his shirt and on the small of his back.

He pulls him closer, Cas places his palms on Dean's chest and exhales. He pulls Dean into a kiss, his hand rubbing the back of Dean´s neck. This kiss is slower, exploring, worshiping, emotional. It makes Dean´s heart ache.

Cas pulls away and brushes his lips against Dean´s jaw.

"What about Lisa?" he almost whispers, as if afraid of his own words.

Dean rests his head against the door and closes his eyes. "I don´t know what about Lisa. The only thing I know is I can´t stop thinking about you." He opens his eyes and sinks into the beautiful blue in front of him. "I know I can´t lose you again. I know I want you. I know I can´t have sex with my wife because I´m imagining you. I know I´m unhappy. I have been unhappy for ages, empty, resigned. Just once I felt different, alive. When I was with you. And I know it´s wrong but I want to feel it again." He feels his lower lip trembling and he squeezes his eyes shut again, trying to subdue the burning behind them. Cas wraps his arms around him, squeezing him tightly.

Dean nuzzles his face into the crook of Cas´ neck even though it´s little bit uncomfortable. Cas is warm and his arms are strong and Dean feels safe.

When he grabs Cas´ ass in those goddamned yoga pants and grinds their hips together, he realizes Cas doesn't have any underwear on. His own pants suddenly feel tighter and he´s sure Cas must feel his arousal as well. He kisses Cas´ earlobe.

"I mean it. I want you to fuck me Cas," his voice is just a low rumble that sends vibrations through Cas´ body. He moans softly and presses himself even closer to Dean, the wood of the door creaking in protest.

He nibs at Deans stubbled jaw. "I want to fuck you, Dean." Dean smiles a bit triumphantly, hearing the lust in Cas´ voice.

"But one thing..."

"Shoot."

"I want to make it good for you, really good. This means I will take my time. You´ll have to be patient."

Dean raises his hand to his forehead. "Yes sir, I´ll be patient if that´s what you want."

"No, you won´t, I know you."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I want you to be warned that I might tie you up to the bed, Winchester."

Dean feels like all blood from his brain just left to his lower body.

He smirks. "I´d like to see you try." He pushes Castiel further into the apartment.

He looks around when Cas strips his jacket off. The living room isn't big, but it's luxuriously furnished, there's an attached kitchenette with breakfast island. Across the room is door leading to the bedroom. 

"Wow, Cas, who do you bang to get such a place?"

"Do you want me to show you around or do you want me to fuck you?"

"Now who's preaching about patience!"

Cas growls and pulls him into a kiss.

When they finally make it to the bed, they are both shirtless. Dean pulls down Cas´ pants and shoves him onto the mattress.

Cas chuckles and reaches for him, Dean crawls on all fours over him.

"You know, I always knew you were attractive but I never realized how fucking gorgeous you are," he says kissing Cas´ collar bone.

"Are you sure you are not drunk?"

"Do I have to be drunk to give you a compliment?"

"You´ve never done this before."

Dean smirks. "Things are changing, Cas."

Cas rolls over, his upper body now sprawled over Dean’s.

"You're right. We've never done this before." He kisses him, engaging his tongue with Dean’s in a heated dance. His palm slides up Dean´s side, it isn´t gentle caressing, his hand is firm, his touch almost hard enough to bruise Dean´s ribs. And Dean loves it. He moans as his back arches off the bed.

"I love how responsive you are," Cas mutters and kisses Dean´s hip bone.

"Shut the fuck up. Less talking, more action," Dean growls and tugs Cas´ hair gently.

"What, I do. I mean, just look what happens when I do this," Cas replies as he bites said hip bone lightly, aware that he shouldn´t leave a mark, and starts to fumble with Dean´s belt.

 "Not to mention what happens when I do this," Cas says releasing Dean´s hard cock from his pants, before licking Dean's erection from base to tip.

"Or this, for that matter," Cas murmures before taking Dean into his mouth and sucking hard.

The moans that work their way out of Dean's throat sound like they belong in a porn movie. And like all neighbors would know what are they doing..  

The sounds coming from Dean change drastically as Cas' mouth moves from his cock to his balls, only to wander even lower dragging the flat of his tongue over his hole. Then the tip of his tongue slips inside Dean, wet and hot, working him open. It's strange and new having someone's attention in such places, but it's pleasant, fuck yeah, it´s more than pleasant. Dean can´t help himself, the moment a finger starts prodding alongside Cas' tongue he screams.

He starts thrashing on the bed and Cas has to withdraw to avoid getting kicked.

"Dean, calm down,“ he says, his hand rubbing soothing circles on Dean's thigh, while he tries to make eye contact with Dean. 

"That's easy for you to say!“ Dean bites back, “You didn't just have someone's hand buried in your ass!“ Cas raises an eyebrow at that.

“No, I was the one with my... it was one finger, Dean. And I'm pretty sure you were enjoying it, if the sounds you were making are anything to go by… wait, I didn't hurt you, did I?“ he asks, suddenly getting worried.

“What!? No. No, you didn't hurt me. You just… startled me. That's all.“ Dean's eyes shoot up to meet Cas' as he says this. He sits up a little bit so he can kiss Cas properly. It's a weird idea, considering where that mouth has just been and what it had been doing, but Dean needs things to slow down just a little bit. It´s been awesome and mindblowing, but so much that it´s been a little scary. For now, he just wants to stick with what he knows. Which, in this situation, is very fucking little, so sticking to kissing it is. And Cas seems okay with that. He kisses him slowly, running his fingers through the short hair on the back of his neck, then he moves his mouth to Dean´s nape, nibbling there, his soft hands are wandering, caressing Dean´s hot naked skin. And soon Dean is panting with need, his hard cock pressed between their bodies is throbbing with anticipation.

"Cas?" he breathes out, tugging at his hair gently to make him look at his eyes.

"Yes, Dean?"

"I want more," Dean answers, his voice hoarse. His eyes are so darkened with lust it makes Cas´ heart stammer.

He smiles and pecks his lips once more, then he reaches to bedside table and grabs a bottle of lube. 

"Try to stay calm. I need you to relax, baby," he says as he slicks his fingers. He bends over and gives Dean a chaste kiss. "So are you sure, you are ready to continue?"

Dean takes a deep breath before nodding and lying back down. "Yeah, sorry. It just… it went a bit too fast, I guess."

"No need to apologize, babe, just try to relax, I've got you," Cas replies as he settles back down between Dean's legs, leaning forward to give him a kiss.

Dean isn't about to let the kiss be chaste though, immediately plunging his tongue back into Cas' mouth, one of his hands in Cas' hair and the other squeezing his ass. He smiles a little into the kiss. There is his usual sexual bravery again. 

When they part, Cas licks a hot line over the bend of Dean´s neck and he continues placing open mouthed kisses down his chest, stopping to suck on his nipple, before biting it gently.

He works his way down across Dean´s abdomen, kissing every inch of smooth skin. Then he sucks on the head of Dean´s cock, taking him into his mouth slowly, to distract him as he traces one finger, lightly, in small circles around Deans' ass. He looks up at Dean, letting go of his cock for a moment, waiting for a reaction when he strokes and dips just the tiniest bit inside before coming back out. Dean is breathing heavily, his head is thrown back and his eyes squeezed shut but he looks relaxed, like he's enjoying this. So Cas repeats the movement, just a little bit deeper this time, waiting longer before pulling back. He kisses Dean´s inner thigh, brushing his lips and stubbled cheek against the sensitive skin. Dean hums, content, which Cas takes as permission to continue to get deeper with every slow thrust of his finger. When his finger completely disappears in Dean, he gives him some time to adjust. "Dean? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Dean breathes out, nodding slightly. He reaches his hand for Cas and the other man entwines their fingers, squeezing lightly.

"Just breathe," he says gently then he changes the angle of the next thrust, trying to find Dean´s prostate.

When Cas finds his sweet spot and slides over it,  Dean lets loose such an obscene sound that Cas feels his cock twitch. He has to grip Dean´s hip and push him down a little to hold him still on the bed.

"Dean?"

"Don´t stop! Oh fuck, don´t stop." Cas smiles and complies, as Dean lets out another "Don't you dare stop, Cas."

Carefully Cas starts to push in another finger, all the while making sure that Dean is too… occupied by the things he is doing to his cock with his tongue.

He slides his tongue down and around Dean´s balls, stopping on his perineum, stimulating the sensitive area between his ass and balls with the tip of his tongue, while he scissors his fingers, working Dean more and more open.

Dean thinks he is about to lose his mind. Cas is doing all these new things to him, things Lisa never even considered, and they all feel better than what Cas has done to him before. Yes, it is a little scary, but this is Cas. Cas would stop if Dean asked him to. Cas would do that, and so many other things for him. Cas would take care of him. And it feels new and good for Dean to be taken care of, to give up control, selfishly enjoy himself, while he lets someone else lead him in the most intimate of manners.

As much as Dean is loving the worshipping attention Cas is giving him, he is getting a little impatient. He pushes back on Cas' fingers, loving the feeling of being stretched and wondering what it would feel like when Cas is finally inside him.

And when Castiel reaches for his nipple, tweaking it slightly, Dean can´t help himself. He writhes on the bed, thrusting back onto Cas' fingers, fucking himself and making that little startled gasp that sends heat pulsing through Cas' veins. The sight is so hot that Cas is pretty sure he could get off from this alone. He adds a third finger, twisting his wrist as he spins his fingers deep within Dean.

"Cas! Cas I…can't... " Dean's sure he can't take any more, he grips the base of his cock and squeezes tightly. Cas slides his fingers out, the sudden emptiness makes Dean whimper.

"You can't what, Dean?" Cas asks, moving up to kiss him. He knows the signs, whether he knows Dean's body or not. The slight tremble in his thigh, the too fast heartbeat, they are all pointing towards one thing: a fast approaching orgasm. He moves his kiss from Dean's lips to his neck, pausing to nibble on his earlobe, which earns him an undignified giggle-like sound. 

"That tickles," Dean says as he turns his head, catching Cas' lips with his mouth. Experimentally he tries to push Cas next to him on the bed, reversing their positions. Once Cas is on his back, and Dean is seated in his lap, he loses his bravery. He hasn't got a clue what to do now and looks at Cas, a lost look in his eyes. 

"C'mere," Cas says before pulling Dean down towards him, kissing him again. 

He fumbles for the tube that lies abandoned on the bed. When he finds it, he takes Dean´s hand and squeezes out a generous amount of lube onto his palm. He can´t fight back a smile when Dean gives it surprised look.

"Dean?" he says as he tries not to chuckle.

"Umm...yeah, sorry about that. It just surprised me with how cold it was," Dean mumbles and finally takes Cas´ painfully hard cock in his hand. He strokes his length gingerly, making him slick.

Cas breathes out his name and thrusts into his hand which encourages Dean to stroke him harder. He drives his thumb along the throbbing vein on the underside, then he rubs over the head, mixing precome with the lube. Experimentally he dips one of his fingers into Cas' slit, earning a strangled moan from him. He breathes heavily with open mouth, his pupils are blown wide with lust. This is it, this is what he´s going to take. He´s like in a dream until Cas distracts him.

"Dean, not that I don't love what you're doing here, but you sure this is the way you want to do this?" Cas asks, enjoying how good Dean looks, completely focused on slicking up Cas' dick.  Not that it isn't slick yet, but Cas isn't about to tell Dean that. It is like a hyperfocus has overcome Dean, he is only focusing on what his hands are doing.

It isn't long before Cas' dick gets a little too interested and he feels himself rocking into Dean's fist, trying to chase his orgasm.

"Dean, love, slow down, just for a second, we don't want this to end too soon, do we?" Cas says, chuckling a little before gently taking Dean's hand in his, stopping the movement.

Dean snaps out of it, looking up at Cas and smiling a little unsure.

"Sweetie, come on, let me take care of you." Cas carefully pulls Dean next to him. "Let me take you there, okay?" Cas asks before crawling back on top of Dean, noticing Dean wouldn't look at him anymore.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

Dean doesn't respond, he just closes his eyes.

"Dean, please, look at me, baby." When Dean complies, Cas kisses him softly.

"Dean if you don´t want to, we don´t have to. Really, I don´t want you to feel obliged to..."

"No, stop Cas. I want it. Really, I just...I´m a bit overwhelmed, you know... it´s all new and too much and ..." he trails off and sighs.

"Okay, that's okay. That's understandable. Do you want to slow down a little bit?" Cas asks, running his hand gently down the side of Dean's face.

"Yeah... can we just... just kiss for a while?" Cas doesn't dignify that with a response other than a big smile and a kiss.

"How about," Cas says in between kisses. "You tell me,"  he continues before moving to Dean's neck. "Just what it is", he says before sucking Dean's earlobe into his mouth. "That you want?" he says, before gently biting down.

"I... uh... I want you?"

"And what is it you want from me, Dean?" Now there's a question that isn't so simple to answer.

What doesn't want Dean from Cas? He doesn't want Cas to walk out of his life again. He doesn't want Cas to break his heart. He wants Cas in his life, as a friend, as a best friend, as a lover. He wants to be as close to him as possible, he wants to share everything with him. It´s not only his body but even his heart aches for Cas. He wants to accept all the pleasure Cas is eager to give him and he wants to turn Cas into a moaning, thrashing mess in return.

 "Dean, why are you blushing," Cas asks, smiling.

"I was just thinking... about what... what I want." He really wants to tell Cas everything, but he can't. He trust him with his body, but not with his heart, not yet, not when it just started to heal.

"So, why are you blushing? You can say whatever you want, Dean. Just tell me what it is that you want. You can tell me."

"Erm... okay." This whole situation makes him vulnerable. He needs to keep at least one of his many walls. So he clears his throat and says the only thing that won´t sound pathetically romantic. "I kinda... I want to be close to you Cas, and sorry, but I don't know how to word this romantically, but I really want your dick in my ass."

Cas smiles, unamused. He knows that this is Dean "talking about feelings is a sign of weakness" Winchester. He knows this is Dean trying to look strong, trying to hide his insecurity. So he just sighs and rubs his nose against Dean's cheek.

"Well, I'm sure we can arrange that, Dean," he chuckles.

He doesn´t hurry, giving Dean as much time as he needs. He kisses him thoroughly, rubbing at his sides, pushing up toward his nipples, then raking nails back down his sides. He doesn´t break the kiss when he positions Dean´s legs on his shoulders, stroking his thighs.

 Dean's so lightheaded from all the caressive attention Cas is giving him, that he stays relaxed even  when he feels the tip of Cas´ cock against his butt hole. He nods slightly when Cas looks him in the eye. Cas sucks Dean´s lower lip into his mouth and pushes in. He stops right away when the head of his cock slides inside and he feels Dean tense up a little bit. Dean moans and buries his fingers into the muscles in Cas´ arms.

"Just breathe," Cas whispers in his ear. And Dean tries, he tries to breathe evenly when he feels Cas sliding deeper, stretching him. But he can´t, his mouth falls agape, he sgueezes his eyes shut. He feels Cas deeper and deeper, filling him up and when Cas stops moving, his breath finally gets out in a short cry. It´s not the pain that surprises him, the pain is bearable. It´s the fullness. It´s Cas. It feels as if there was only Cas, as if nothing was left of Dean.

Cas is pushing the limits of his self control. His whole body begs him to move, his muscles are tense and trembling. But he doesn't want to move, he wants to give Dean time to adjust, he wants this moment to last forever. He wants to get lost in Dean, in the heat and tightness and pleasure that threatens to burn him from the inside.

Dean raises his hand and wipes the beads of perspiration from Cas´ forehead. Cas bends over to kiss him.

"Please. Slowly," Dean breathes out against his lips and it takes Cas a moment to understand he wants him to move. Ever so slowly Cas pulls back until only the tip of his cock is still inside Dean. The noises Dean's making are getting a bit obscene again, he's moaning like his life depends on it. Cas carefully slides back in, before repeating the movement a few times to allow Dean to adjust to it. He watches Dean's face as he pulls out and pushes back in, seeing the tiny smile on his lips, the gasps of air leaving his lips, the bead of sweat making its way down his forehead. 

He wants to say something, to express how beautiful Dean is, how perfect it feels to be inside him. But there´s only one word his mind is able to produce right now, the word that means the whole world, the only word he starts repeating as a mantra.

"Dean, Dean!"

Dean opens his eyes and locks them with Castiel´s. His lips, swollen and wet from kissing, are parted and his gaze is so intense it makes Cas feel dizzy. Dean´s hands come up, one wraps around his back, the other one grips his ass, pulling Cas even closer as if he wants to merge with him into one perfect being.  When his cock hits Dean´s prostate, he digs his fingers into Cas´ skin, still not used to the sensation that makes his vision blur. His nails leave burning scratches on Cas´ back and his body tightens around Cas which makes him bite his lower lip to supress the broken and needy sounds that are trying to escape his mouth.

It´s too much for Cas, too much and not enough. He´s torn between need for a quick release and wish for this to never end. Dean´s moans get louder and mix with a stream of profanities, when Cas thrusts faster, harder. Cas reaches between them for Dean´s cock, stroking in pace with his thrusts, turning Dean into quivering, writhing mess.

Castiel swallows Dean´s moans, sealing their lips together. He feels like his heart might explode every minute from the amount of emotions. Part of him can´t believe this is really happening. It's all he ever wanted, it´s more than he ever dared to wish for. He never thought he might have Dean like this. Panting and squirming in his arms, hot and tight around his cock. His throat thightens when the thought crawls into his mind, that maybe if he hadn´t run away, this might have happen much earlier. He chases it away, snapping his hips even harder making Dean scream in unison with his own guttural moan. He doesn't want to think, he wants to lose himself in the bliss that Dean brings him. His moves get erratic as the tension builds, a painful pleasure pulsing through their veins driving them both close to the edge. He grabs a handful of Dean´s short hair, pulling his head up into a kiss. "Dean!" he groans into his lips. It´s full of want, full of need and it´s the last push that throws Dean over the edge. His body convulse, lights burst out under his shut lids as he comes thick and hard, groaning in pleasure-pain that gets muffled when he bites into Cas shoulder. The slight pain and the fact Dean claims him, marks him, sends Cas right after him. He cries out, tensing his body as he releases himself. He continues to thrust weakly for several seconds until he is spent. He collapses onto Dean, nearly unconscious for a moment. Dean lets his legs fall to the mattress and they stay like that, jizz cooling between their stomachs pressed together until their breaths even and Cas gathers his strength to grab some kleenex from the bedside table to clean them up. He then wraps his arms around Dean, who curls himself up, his back pressed against Cas´chest. He´s drained, Cas´ hot breath brushing over his neck makes him sleepy and he feels safe in his arms. He doesn´t remember if he ever felt so safe, so secure, so satisfied.


	6. Chapter 6

**But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness  
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness**

 

Cas aches. He aches so much he can't breathe. As he's coming down, he realizes what they have done, what consequences it might have. They crossed the line and there's not turning back. And it fills Cas with fear and pain. He was barely able to give up Dean before he knew what he would be missing. But now that he knows... only the thought of not having Dean again, of not having him forever, is killing him. His throat burns and he´s shaking. Dean notices. He rolls over on his back and pulls Cas against his chest. He strokes his hair but remains silent. And Cas knows he should be happy, that he should cling to this blissful moment, but he can´t. He has to know what this means, he needs a chance to prepare himself for the future. He can't hold back the thoughts that are gnawing in him, he has to let them out even though it mean's ruining the afterglow.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?" Dean's voice is husky from all the moaning and screaming which makes Cas smile. _It was me who made him sound like this and I want more._

"Was this only about sex?"

Dean shifts to look into his face with eyes wide, full of anger and hurt. "What the... Are you really that stupid to ask me that? What do you think of me? Or was it..." Dean almost chokes on his own words "was it a meaningless fuck for you?"

"No. No! Dean I'm sorry!" he places his palm over Dean's heart to calm him down. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean... I just," he closes his eyes and swallows hard around the lump in his throat. Dean realizes that something is bothering him and his expression softens, he pulls Cas back into his arms.

"What will happen now?" Cas asks, his eyes still shut.

"What do you mean?"

"You have to return home, to your wife, you´ll..." he trails off, unable to say _leave me like a cheap whore._

Dean doesn't reply, he doesn't even move for a while and Cas has to look at him to make sure he didn't forget to breathe.

Their eyes meet and Cas‘s heart falters with an emotion he's afraid to name.

Dean sits up and crawls from the bed, he reaches for his pants and panic clenches it's claws around Cas chest. He´s prepared to beg Dean not to go, to stay here just for a moment, for one last kiss, for one last hug. He feels desperate tears in his eyes.

But Dean just pulls his phone from the pocket of his pants and sits back on the edge of the bed.

Cas stares at him breathless when he dials the number and presses the phone to his ear.

"Dean?" Cas can hear Lisa's voice from the other end of the line.

"Yeah, hey baby."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, of course. Uhm, honey, you won´t believe who I ran into. Do you remember my friend Cas?"

"Castiel? Of course! You were inseparable, then he disappeared. You met him? How is he?"

"He´s fine. But you know we had a lot to talk about and I had more beers than I should and I really don´t want to drive now. So if it´s okay I would stay at his place."

"Oh of course, Dean! Don´t you dare get behind the wheel!" she chuckles.

"It's awesome you can spend some time with him!"

"Yeah, tomorrow is Saturday, so I don´t have to go to work, but you wanted me to fix the shelf in the bedroom... "

"Yeah, don't worry about that. And don‘t rush home, I'll be cleaning the whole forenoon anyway and I don´t wanna deal with your hangover." Dean forces out a short chuckle.

"Thank you, baby, you are the best."

"Say hi to Cas. I love you."

"Good night, Lisa."

He hangs up and falls on his back with a long sigh.

This was easy, too easy, lying to his wife after he cheated on her with his best friend should be much harder.

Cas places a sweet kiss on his chest. "This is wrong."

"I know."

"It will devastate us all."

"I know."

Cas kisses him, slow and deep, immersed into every movement of lips and tongues, his palms framing Dean's face.

When they part, Dean rests his forehead against Cas´. They fall asleep like this, sharing breaths, looking into each others eyes, Cas´ hands on Dean´s face, Dean´s around Cas´ waist. Knowing that their choices will bring them pain, knowing that the brief moments of happiness are worth it.

When Dean wakes up, he feels strong arms and legs wrapped around his body and a tuft of hair tickling his cheek. He breathes in the smell of Cas' shampoo and a happy grin spreads over his face. Cas grunts and shifts, nuzzling into the crook of Dean's neck.

"Hey," Dean breathes out, he feels Cas smiling against his skin. He kisses the tender spot behind Dean's ear, then pulls away to look him in the face. "Hello. How are you?"

"There's an octopus trying to suffocate me."

Cas chuckles. "Oh come on, don't pretend you don´t like cuddling. I know you are Softypants McHuggable."

Dean laughs and rolls over Cas, then he stiffens with a hiss of pain. He is sore. Not only at places he kind of expected to be sore at. But also the back of his tights from holding his legs on Cas´shoulders and his neck from sleeping intertwined with the other man, even his throat is still sore from all the screaming.

"Are you sore?" Cas asks with concern audible in his voice.

"I will live," Dean mumbles before he kisses Cas' jaw.

They cuddle lazily for a few minutes before Cas disentangles himself from Dean's arms. "Let's take a shower."

Dean growls, folds his arms under his head and shuts his eyes.

"No, I won't move, never again." He feels sleepy but good. As if a great weight has been taken from his limbs, from his heart.

 _Thoroughly fucked_ , he tells himself.

"Oh that's such a pity. I planned a lot of moving with you," Cas kisses his collarbone, then trails soft kisses down his chest.

"Some movements in the shower," he darts his tongue into Dean´s belly button.

Dean half moans, half chuckles. He feels his blood rushing to his lower body.

"Then some moving on the kitchen table, after we eat breakfast." Cas presses a wet kiss into Dean's groin and Dean writhes.

"You are such a tease, I hate you!"

"I know and I don´t care, now move your pretty ass, we are taking a shower." Dean reaches out his hand and lets Cas pull him out of the bed.

"I forgot how bossy you are."

"I'm happy to remind you."

They take turns to take a piss, then Cas hands Dean a spare toothbrush. They brush their teeth side by side, grinning at each other through the mirror.

They step in the shower together.  When the hot spray of water touch Dean's skin, he sighs contently. The temperature and the water pressure is perfect and for a moment Dean thinks it couldn't be better, then he feels gentle palms smearing soap over his back and shoulders. He smiles and leans into the touch. Cas stands behind him, rubbing away kinks from his muscles, then his hands travel to Dean´s front. They are pressed together chest to back, bodies hot and wet and if this isn´t what Heaven feels like, Dean isn't interested anymore.

Cas worships Dean's body with gentle touches, caresses every inch of his skin.

"You are so hot, Dean," his voice vibrates deep in his chest and it spreads down Dean's spine, making him dizzy. When Cas kisses his neck and finally cups Dean's already hard cock, Dean´s knees go weak. He lets his head drop on Cas' shoulder.

"Oh god… Cas!"

He desperately tries to touch as much of Cas' skin as he can. Clutching on his forearm, reaching behind himself and grabbing Cas´naked ass, pushing his fingers into Cas´ wet hair, pulling gently. Cas mimics that and angles Dean's head so they can kiss. Dean moans into the kiss which is probably the hottest thing Cas has ever experienced. He jerks Dean faster, not breaking the kiss.

"Cas…“ Dean breathes out, "perfect…it's...you...perfect."

Cas smiles against Dean's neck. All the sensations overwhelm Dean, hot water on his skin, Cas' lips on his nape, the fast pace of his hand. He comes embarrassingly fast and embarrassingly hard but he doesn´t care. He rides his high with broken cries of pleasure, his knees go weak and he leans with all his weight against Cas, who afraid of slipping on wet floor, manhandles Dean and settles them on the bottom of the shower stall, back against chest. Dean basks in the afterglow, Cas' hands wrapped around him, when he realizes, that Cas is still hard, his cock pressed against Dean´s back.

A sudden rush of energy washes through him, he turns to face Cas, sly smile on his face.

It's still a little weird to touch a cock that isn't his own, but the sounds it elicits from Cas are worth it.

He tries all the moves that usually do the trick for him, noting every gasp and moan, remembering what gains the best reaction from Castiel. Cas comes with Dean's name on his lips. Dean pulls his body trembling in aftershock, into a tight hug.

When they finally leave the bathroom, it's with  wide happy grins on their faces.

Cas slips into his yoga pants.

"Don´t you wear underwear?"

"At home? Never" Cas smiles smugly and leaves for the kitchenette. Dean groans and puts on his clothes.

They cook breakfast together and it´s surprising how natural it is even after all those years. They used to do it when they were younger and Dean never found anything weird about the way they cooperate, work like a well-oiled machine together, guessing what the other is going to do, helping each other, never standing one another in the way, yet always so close to each other. It hasn´t changed, only the occasional kisses are new. Cas is happy that Dean likes his coffee the same he remembers and his heart dances with joy that Dean still knows Cas likes cucumber cut in segments, not slices.

"Where's the bacon?" Dean frowns, staring into the fridge.

"There's no bacon."

"What do you mean no bacon?" Dean shuts the fridge and looks at Cas.

"I don't eat such things."

""You love bacon burgers."

"I do, but I don't cook them at home."

"You can't make eggs without bacon."

"I can. I will. And stop pouting, you know I hate it"

"No you don´t!"

"Yes I do."

"No, you don't, you love it." Dean pouts on purpose now and Cas chuckles.

"I said stop pouting!" he smacks Dean´s butt with a spatula.

Dean straightens himself, clenching his muscles and auch…

He stiffens and hisses in pain. Cas'eyes widens "Oh sorry! I'm so sorry Dean I forgot!"

He cups Dean's cheeks with both his palms and kisses him apologetically

"I'm so sorry," he breathes out again. Dean wraps his hands around his waist.

"Just don't do it again, ok?" Cas smiles and kisses his neck, his lips brush over the shell of Dean's ear.

"You are such a wuss," he whispers.

"You are such an ass!" Dean snort but he pulls Cas into a kiss.

When they part, both breathing heavily, they look into each other's eyes, not saying anything, just basking in the perfect moment, and dean realizes that this is it, this is what what was missing in his life. Castiel was the key to happines and the thought was terrifying. Before Dean can say something utterly stupid, Cas ruins the chick-flick moment by rubbing the pad of his thumb against Dean's lower lip. "Next time, I'm gonna fuck your mouth."

Dean ignores the enthusiastic reaction of his cock, too distracted by the indication behind the words "next time" and the flip his heart made in response. Of course it wasn't a one night stand for Dean, but to hear it from Cas warms his heart.

Castiel knows about the implication and when the words left his mouth, it scares him for a moment. What if Dean changed his mind? When he called Lisa the last night, Cas was sure this was serious but now…

He takes a step back from Dean who's staring at him and turns to the stove.

"Cas?" Dean sounds insecure and it makes Cas' stomach into knots.

"Yes?" He looks at him over his shoulder.

"How long will you stay in Kansas?"

"Two months."

Dean smiles and wraps his arms around Cas' waist from behind.

"That's good," he whispers into Cas´ ear and kisses all doubts away.

They eat mostly in silence, Houses of the Holy playing in the background. Dean smiles when Cas hums the melody or mouths the lyrics. After Dean helps Cas with the dishes, he's about to leave. Cas walks him to the door and kisses him goodbye. What begins as a sweet innocent brush of lips changes into passionate kiss, it feels frantic and desperate, they part only to  gasp of air and moan, then their lips are pressed together again. They cling to each other as if this would be their last kiss. And that's exactly what´s Dean scared of. He doesn't want to go, he doesn´t want to leave this dream, to face the outer world, to deal with reality. in Cas' arms he feels safe, he can pretend this is right. but it isn´t and the moment he leaves this apartment he will have to face consequences.

Cas has to push him out of the door, playing the reasonable one, even though he's just as reluctant. He grabs a handful of Dean's shirt. "Wait. This time you will call, right?" He hopes he doesn't sound needy. Dean nods and Cas lets go of him, but Dean leans closer again, brushing his lips against Cas´ear. "Cas, I don´t regret anything." He kisses his neck and the shorter man chuckles. He pushes him away. "Dean go! Run away or I won't let you leave ever again."

Dean grins, waves his hand and runs down the corridor. Cas closes the door behind him and leans his back against it. He bursts into hysterical laughter. This is unbelievable, this can´t be happening, this can't end well.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your lovely comments, that make me happy and motivated.

**Sigh no more, no more**  
 **One foot in sea, one on shore**  
 **My heart was never pure**  
 **You know me**  
 **You know me**

 

 The journey home isn't as bad as Dean expected. He turns the music up loud, the mixtape Sam made him for his 15th birthday always helps to clear his head. He is humming  Smoke On The Water when he realizes he´s actually happy. The interior of the car is filled withthe smell of Cas´ body wash  from Dean´s own skin and he can still feel Cas. As if every touch of his left an invisible mark on Dean´s body that only Dean knows about, feeling it burning pleasantly on his skin.

It doesn't take long to get from Kansas City to Lawrence, it's short past ten when he enters their house and finds Lisa mopping the kitchen´s floor.

She smiles when she notices him "Dean!" she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses his cheek.

"Hey, babe," he´s scared as if she could see right through him and find out what he did. But her genuine warm smile calms him down when she looks at his face.

"You are not hung over?"

"I am a responsible grown-up and I can hold my liquor."

"Oh of course you are," she pats his shoulder.

"So how have you been?"

"Fine, it was... it was good." He can feel his neck burning, blush creeping to his cheeks. Fortunately Lisa isn´tt looking at him, paying attention to the floor again.

"So you two are ok? You were pretty bummed when he left. Did he explained why he did so?"

"Yeah he...he needed to find himself. And I get it, we are okay."

"You look happy," she looks at him and his chest tightens.

"And how is he? What brought him to Kansas?"

"He´s good. He has a job he loves, something with art for some guy who swims in money. You should have seen the appartment his boss is renting for him, all modern and fancy, you would love it."

"Oh I´m so glad to hear that. The guy deserves the best. How long is he staying?"

"Two months."

Lisa raises her head and looks at him with wide eyes and excited grin. "Dean! You know what? You should invite him for a dinner!"

"Uh…what?"

"Yes! That will be fantastic! Sam with Sarah can come as well. I bet Sam would love to see Cas again, they were close, right?"

Dean´s staring at her dumbstruck.

"Uhm I´m…I´m not sure he… would like it." He stutters out finally.

"Why wouldn´t he? Just ask him, Dean! Oh I´m so excited!" She really looks excited, Dean finds it downright scary. She is excited to meet the man Dean cheated on her with. While she rambles on about how they don´t have friends and never socialize with anyone, he wonders when his life has changed into some absurd drama.

"So next Friday is okay? Let´s say six? Go ask him right now and I will call Sarah later."

She pushes him out of the kitchen which drags him back to reality.

Dean goes to the bedroom, fumbling for his phone in his pocket, hands shaky. He thought telling the truth, at least partly, was the best option but now he really regrets having ever mentioned Cas.

 

When Dean leaves, it takes Cas some time to start functioning normally again. He's changing the bed linen -which smells of Dean- when the phone rings. His heart stutters when he sees Dean´s name on the screen, then he realizes it´s too soon. Dean must have just arrived home.

"Dean? Is something wrong?" he´s suprised how worried his own voice sounds.

"No…everything is…nothing happened just... " Dean doesn´t sound all right, not at all, and Cas feels his throat constrict.

"Lisa wants you to come over for dinner." Dean blurts out.

"What? You…did you…“

He doesn't understand. Why would she want something like that? Did Dean tell her that they...no, that doesn't make sense.

"I told her I met you, remember? And she´s all happy we reunited, so she wants to meet you."

"This is absurd, Dean."

"I know, I know!"

"Just  tell her I can´t come"

"That would be suspicious."

"Tell her I don´t have time."

"She will try to find another date."

Castiel sighs. Why is this happening?

"I can´t Dean. I can´t! This is insane! She´s your wife! You cheated on her, with me, don´t you remember?"

"I know Cas, shhh." Cas can imagine Dean looking around, covering the phone with his hand, afraid that someone could hear Cas from the other end of the line.

"I need you to come. I know it´s weird but... Sam will come, with Sarah, he will be happy to see you."

Castiel closes his eyes and leans against a wall. It would be nice to see Sam. They were  very close, he loved him almost like his own younger brother. The last time he saw him was when he helped Dean to get him to rehab. Cas would love to see him again, clean and happy.

"Cas, I know this is too much to ask but..."

"When?"

"You…you coming?"

"Of course I'm coming, Dean."

"Friday, at six."

"Should I bring something?"

"No, don´t worry about that, just come," Dean sounds so relieved it almost makes Cas smile.

"Okay. See you then."

"Yeah."

There´s a moment of awkward silence before Cas hangs up.

 

Dean has never been so nervous in his life. Not even on his wedding day. He doesn't even know what is he so afraid of. It's not that Cas has a sign on his forehead saying 'I made your husband scream my name when I came inside him'.

 Inappropriate thoughts, Winchester, stop it right now, he scolds himself as he slips into a clean shirt and looks in the mirror.

I just don´t want anyone to get hurt. Which is probably too late. Dean sighs. It didn´t seem so complicated when he burst into Cas´ appartment and begged him to fuck him. But he doesn´t regret, right? He´s sure about that when he remembers how it made him feel, so wanted, so worthy. It´s weird to think like this about sex, but it´s not actually the sex, it´s Cas. Beautiful, talented, kind hearted Cas and the fact he wants him. Dean always thought about Cas as someone superior to him. Of course he would made fun of his lack of pop culture knowledge and social awkwardness but Dean always knew that under the aura of someone who is able to trip over his own shoelaces, Cas is graceful and badass and incredibly clever. When he left, Dean was simply convinced that Cas finally realized dean is not good enough for him. So when he came back and told him, it was the other way round and Cas wanted him so much he had to leave do be able to resist…well, it changed everything.

He's my best friend in the first place. This is just a dinner with my family and best friend, nothing to be afraid of.

The doorbell rings and he looks out the window to see Sam´s ugly SUV on the driveway.

"Dean!" shouts Lisa, who´s too busy cooking to answer the door.

"Yeah I´m coming."

At least there´s Sam, he would take his side if something goes wrong, right? But he was kinda pissed at Cas, when he left, understandably so, because Dean had been a mess when it happened.

He runs down the steps to greet Sammy. He hugs him, then proceed to kiss Sarah on cheek.

"You look as beautiful as always, my almost sister in law," he says and shoots Sam a meaningful look.

"Thanks." Sarah chuckles. "So is your famous friend already here?"

"No, I hope he didn´t get cold feet."

"Oh I hope not! I´m going to help Lisa in the kitchen, ok?" She untangles from Sam´s arm that is wrapped around her waist.

"Ok but be careful, she shooed me away when I tried to help her and she bites when you try to touch her spatula."

"I´m sure I can handle that," she pats his shoulder and leaves to the kitchen.

Dean leads Sam to the living room.

"Do you want a beer?" he doesn´t wait for an answer and heads to the kitchen.

"Yeah but Dean?"

Dean stops but he doesn´t turn around.

"Look, Sam, if you´re gonna ask me how I feel about Cas coming back there´s nothing to talk about."

"Uhm…that´s not what I wanted to ask about, I supposed that you are okay if you invited him for a dinner, but if you want to talk about it..."

"No I…“ The doorbell saves him from the awkward moment.

"Can you bring the beer? I will answer the door."

 

It´s there again, the weird feeling in his chest when he sees Cas. He´s dressed in light blue shirt and darker blazer and…gosh, blue-eyed people shouldn´t be allowed to wear blue clothes.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, Cas, come in."

"Oh wait! I forgot something in the car!" he turns away and runs to a blue Honda Accord in the driveway.

"What the fuck are you driving, Cas!" Dean groans when Cas comes back, two bouquets and a bottle of wine in his arms.

He frowns at him and shoves the bottle to his hands.

"I knew you wouldn't approve, but you know what? I like it, it's a good car."

Dean has a bunch of arguments why that can´t be true, but they are already in the hallway and his family is there looking at Cas like he´s some exotic animal.

"Cas!" Sam pulls him into a bear hug, surprising the poor guy who barely manages to save the flowers from being smashed.

"Sam, nice too see you again."

Sam´s grin is so wide Dean is seriously worried the upper part of his head might fall off.

"This is Sarah, my girlfriend."

Dean leans to Cas and covers his mouth as if he was going to whisper to his ear but then he says out loud "because he doesn´t have the balls to propose."

Everybody laughs except Sam who rolls his eyes.

"Sarah Blake, nice to meet you. I´ve heard a lot about you."

"Castiel Shurley. Please, don´t believe anything Dean has told you about me." He shakes her hand and gives her the flowers. Then he turns to Lisa and Dean somehow expects that there will be thunder or something when his lawful wife and secret lover touch each other but there´s nothing. Just polite smiles and a kiss on the cheek.

 

The dinner goes smooth, everybody is polite and friendly. But Dean recognizes the same stiffness and awkwardness he remembers from the time he first met Cas. It´s almost unbelievable this reserved man is the same confident guy who threatened to bind him to a bedpost. And it feels good, it feels like that Cas belongs just to Dean and no one else.

"So what exactly is your job?" asks Lisa. "Dean didn‘t tell me any details."

"I work for a private art collector. I tell him what to buy and what to sell. Sometimes I organize exhibitions of his collection, cooperate with curators. That´s actually why I´m currently in Kansas."

Dean notices the excited look on Sarah´s face, but she doesn´t say anything until Sam nudges her with his elbow.

"Uhm… Cas, I work at my father´s auction house...just, maybe ,if you‘re interested…“

"Of course, I‚dlove to take a look. I´m sure I can find something interesting for Mr.Crowley´s collection."

Sarah gasps. "You work for Crowley? Fergus Crowley?"

Castiel nods, a hint of smile tugging  at the corners of his mouth.

"Oh my god! That´s…that´s awesome!" She tugs at Sam´s shirt excitedly to make him join her in her fangirling.

Sam just chuckles.

"So will you…will you visit the auction house?"

"Of course, it will be a pleasure. Could you give me your number? I can call you and arrange an appointment."

"Oh of course! Thank you, Cas. That´s so awesome!" She fumbles for a business card in her purse.

Sam, who has been watching her with amusement mixed with adoration, turns to Cas. "And what about your own art, Cas? Do you still paint?"

"Sadly, there´s not enough time for that. I wanted to be an artist and I wanted to travel a lot. One of these dreams came true, but I guess I can´t have everything." There´s something sad behind Cas´smile and Dean´s hand itches to touch his knee under the table.

It gets only worse the more they drink and the more they get relaxed. Dean watches Cas laughing and can´t focus on anything than the crow's feet around his eyes.

He meets him in the corridor when he goes to grab himself and Sam another beer. And it might be the alcohol in his veins or the smell of Cas´ cologne that makes him block  Cas‘ way. He leans against the wall with one hand next to Cas´ head.

"Hey."

"Hi." Cas´ doesn´t look drunk, at least not as much as Dean, but his cheeks are flushed and Dean wants to cup them with his palms.

"How are you?"

"Good."

"Good." Dean doesn't even realize that he is leaning closer to Cas until he can feel Cas´hot breath on his face. He doesn't pull away.

"You have a nice home." Cas says, trying to look everywhere but Dean´s eyes, eyes that seem dark in the dim light.

"Yeah."

"The dinner was delicious."

"Yeah."

"It´s nice to see Sammy."

"Yeah."

Cas runs out of neutral things to say. He can´t ignore Dean´s gaze burning on his lips. He wets them with his tongue and Dean mimics the motion which makes his blood thrum with want.

"Hey Dean! What's up with the beer?"

They jump away from each other. Fortunately Sam is too drunk to realize what he´s just witnessed.

"No more beers for you, Sasquatch. You‘re hammered already. I hope Sarah will be able to get you home." He pats his shoulder and leads him back to the living room.

"Cas, will you stay? We have a guestroom ready." Lisa says when Sarah and Sam are getting ready to leave.

"I don´t want to bother you. I thought I‘d call a cab and come back for the car tomorrow."

"Oh, no way! You don´t bother us, right, Dean?"

Dean nods absently.

"We have a very nicely furnished guest room that is barely used, it would make me happy if you stay."

"Uhm but..." Cas´ eyes flick to Dean.

"Come on Cas. I can promise you breakfast. Dean might make the best pancakes but you don´t know what´s good until you´ve tasted my scrambled eggs."

Cas smiles. "Ok then, it will be my pleasure to stay."

They say their goodbyes, Sam hugging everybody.

"Cas, I´m so happy you came back. Dean was a mess without you!"

"Oh my god, shut your mouth Sam!" Dean rolls his eyes.

"You were! He was! Really."

Cas smiles. "It was nice to see you are alright, Sam, clean and happy with a beautiful girl."

Sam grins at him and hugs him again.

Ten minutes later they finally leave. Cas helps Lisa with the dishes despite her protests. Dean gives him a spare toothbrush and a t-shirt to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know  
My weakness I feel I must finally show**

 

The guest room is nice, the walls are a light pea green and Castiel guesses it was meant to be a nursery before they gave up. It makes him a little sad.

He can't sleep. The dinner wasn't as bad as he expected, but seeing Dean with Lisa was...weird. And then there was the tension between him and Dean. He was scared that someone would notice the way Dean stared at him when he was talking or the way he laughed at his dumb jokes. Cas had tried to be more discreet but it had been hard. Every time Dean‘s close to him, he has to fight an urge to touch him, to lean even closer, to bask in the heat of his body.

He gets up and goes to the bathroom. After he uses the toilet he washes his hands and face with cold water. He looks at his face in the mirror and sighs. Staying had been a bad decision, coming to this house had been a bad decision, actually the last two weeks of his life had been full of bad decisions. He should have run away the moment he saw Dean in the bar. Yeah, THAT would’ve been a good decision.

Someone opens the door. Cas turns around startled to see Dean in pajama pants and a t-shirt.

"Oh, sorry, sorry- I…“ Dean stutters.

He wants to get out as quickly as possible and leave Cas alone but he finds himself unable to withdraw his gaze. The sight of Cas in his boxers and Dean´s old Led Zeppelin t-shirt with really bad case of sex hair does funny things to Dean´s insides. So he just stares.

Cas frowns, and for a moment he´s torn between an urge to slap him and an urge to jump his bones. He doesn´t do either.

"That´s okay, I´m finished," he mutters and passes around him to go back to his room.

He´s done, that was all too much for him. All the tension during the dinner and now Dean´s hungry look. He knows it´s very inappropriate but he needs some release.

He sprawls across the bed and shuts his eyes, imagining Dean´s heated gaze when he cornered him earlier that night, he palms his hardening cock through the thin fabric of his underwear. Eager, he shoves his boxers down to his hips and wraps his fingers around his penis.

He realizes that he didn´t lock the door when he hears it being opened. His heart stops and his blood freezes in his veins. He turns his head to look at the intruder, so shocked that he´s not even able to move his hand, still holding his erection.

Dean´s eyes flit between his eyes and his crotch, then he turns away and for a second Cas believes he will leave and they can pretend this never happened. But Dean turns the key in the lock.

"Dean," his voice is hoarse but he can finally move so he tries to put his boxers on.

Dean is faster, he's already kneeling on the bed and grips his wrist.

The kiss that follows steals Cas´ breath. His cock is stone hard again and his wrist is free because Dean´s hand is stroaking his length.

Castiel moans and clutches Dean's t-shirt.

"Dean!"

"I´ve been waiting for this all night. It was driving me crazy, Cas." Dean breathes out between hot kisses along Cas´ jawline.

"Dean I...stop! For God´s sake stop!" Cas whispers, he wants to push him away but Dean´s body feels so good, his kisses, his hands...

"I can´t, I can´t stop myself when you´re around."

Cas gulps, Dean´s voice is only making things harder.

"Please, Dean, not here. Lisa...your wife is right behind the wall."

"I guess it means you have to keep it quiet." says Dean and traces kisses down his belly.

Cas tenses, Dean´s lips are so close...

"Dean, please...this...we can´t."

Dean jerks his head up. "Cas, I´m going to suck a dick for the first time in my life. Can you please shut your mouth and let me focus?"

Cas gasps, eyes wide.

"Good boy," Dean pats his thigh.

His hot breath on Cas´ flesh makes the other man shiver with anticipation, but Dean hesitates.

He isn´t afraid of the taste or that it will feel weird. He´s afraid he won´t be able to do it correctly, to make Cas feel good.

Come on, Dean, if  sixteen year old cheerleaders can do it, you can do ittoo. Besides, a poor blowjob is better than no blowjob, right?

He tries an experimental lick from the base to the tip. Cas´ cock, thick and hard, feels good on his tongue and the sound that Cas makes encourages him.

"I said keep it quiet," he smirks at Cas, who looks like he´s being tortured more then being sucked off, but he nods obediently.

 

All Cas´ worries about the immorality of this situation vanish when he feels the hot wetness of Dean´s mouth and his perfectly shaped lips embracing his erection.

It's obvious Dean doesn't know what he's doing but he´s doing it with great passion. He sucks and licks and hums around Cas´ cock.  His hands are on Cas´ balls, his hips, his inner thighs. It´s sloppy and graceless and absolutely awesome. The wet sounds of Dean´s mouth that drive Cas crazy mix with his panting and muted moans and fill the room.

The fact they are in Dean´s house with his wife sleeping in the next room should be disturbing but actually, it's strangely arousing.

Cas has to restrain himself not to thrust into Dean´s mouth, to not grab his hair and take control over his actions. He wants to let him do it in his own pace, to experiment. And Dean´s doing good for a first time, oh is he doing good.

The sounds Cas makes when Dean settles a rhythm are embarrassingly close to whimpering but he doesn't care.

When the pleasure builds up and he knows he´s close, he tries to warn Dean, breathes out his name, tugs on the  strands of his short hair, but Dean is so absorbed he doesn´t pay attention to it. He arches his back from the bed and he has to sink his teeth into the skin of his wrist to stifle the cry.  His climax catches Dean by surprise just a little. He swallows by instinct, but some of Cas´ come dribbles down from between his lips and past his chin. He doesn't care, only thing that matters is make it good for Cas, he wants to suck him through his high untill he´s soft and sated, but Cas tugs on the hair on the back of his head and pulls him away. There´s a moment when their eyes meet, then Cas´ tongue darts out and licks his own come from Dean´s face, then he licks into Dean´s mouth and kisses him deeply. It´s so naughty and hot that it takes just a few strokes of Cas´ hand and Dean´s coming hard into his pants like a horny teenager.

They spend a few minutes in an embrace, breathing heavily, nuzzling into each other's necks, stroking each other's hair soothingly, before Dean kisses Cas´ cheek.

"Good night Cas," he whispers, crawls out of bed, leaving Cas alone and shocked.

 

When Dean comes to the kitchen in the morning, Cas and Lisa are already there. Lisa is  cooking scrambled eggs and singing along with the radio, Cas is sitting at the table and buttering toast.

"Hey, Cas."

"Hello, Dean." His eyes flick to Dean and back to his piece of toast and Dean can see how the back of his neck and the tips of his ears get suddenly redder.

"How are you?"

"Good, yourself?" Cas‘swords are slurred and Dean can´t resist, he leans into Cas´ ear and whispers "My jaw hurts."

Cas drops the knife with a loud clang. 

Lisa turns to them with worried look.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry." Now Cas is blushing like a schoolgirl and Dean tries to stifle a chuckle as he kisses Lisa´s cheek.

She smiles at him and beckons him to the table.

When he´s seated, she hands him a plate of scrambled eggs.

"Oh, sweetheart, what happened to you?" she asks when she hands the other plate to Cas. They both follow her gaze to the round dark bruise on Cas´ wrist. It´s not apparent that it´s a bite mark, but Dean knows and he suddenly feels a rush of warmth over his body.

"Uhm I...I hit the corner of the bedside table when I went to the bathroom last night."

Dean smirks.  "You‘re clumsy."

"Shut your mouth, it´s your fault!" Cas bursts out and the blush on his cheeks deepens when he realizes that it was a mistake.

Dean cocks an eyebrow. "And how exactly is it my fault?"

Cas takes a deep breath and looks Dean straight in the eye.

"You were the one who kept refilling my glass so I got drunk."

Dean doesn't reply, he just stares at him with a smug smile on his face until Lisa joins them and starts to chat with Cas about yoga.

"You shouldn´t eat so much of it!" She slaps his hand when he reaches for extra bacon.

"Hey!"

"She´s right, you´re getting pudgy."

Dean looks at him with his mouth agape.

"What the..."

"Thanks, Cas! I´m telling him all the time!"

"You...you traitor!" Dean gasps, eyes still on Cas.

"The sedentary occupation doesn´t agree with you." Lisa pats his knee.

"And you are not twenty anymore." Cas nods with compassionate smile.

"You just have to eat healthier." Lisa says seriously but there´s a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Or do some sport from time to time." adds Cas.

Dean points at Cas with a fork, then at Lisa. "I hate you both!"

 

After the breakfast Dean walks Cas to his car.

"Thank you for coming." Dean shifts his weight from one foot to the other awkwardly.

"Thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it very much." Cas smiles shyly and Dean can´t resist anymore, he pulls Cas into a hug, resting his chin on Cas´ left shoulder. It takes Cas a moment to collect himself before he wraps his arms around Dean´s waist, making the hug maybe more intimate than Dean intended, but who really cares? They share a few hertbeats like that, then Dean pulls away and pats Cas´ shoulder. "Take care, buddy."

Cas nods with a smile and gets in the car.

 

That night Lisa finds Dean in front of mirror.

"What are you doing?"

"Am I really pudgy?" Lisa fights back a chuckle and hugs him from behind.

"Of course not, baby."

"But you said I´m getting pudgy."

"I love you the way you are, you know that."

"I know but..."

"And Cas was right, you are not twenty anymore, you can´t expect your body to be the same as years ago."

"But Cas is older than me and he looks good."

Lisa smiles against his shoulder. "He eats much healthier and runs every day and he does yoga."

Dean looks at her. "Should I be jealous?" She chuckles. "No, I´m just telling you whining won´t help you. If you are concerned about your body, you should do something about it."

Dean pouts. "I hate rabbit food and running."

Lisa laughs. "Come on Dean, you look just fine."

"Hmm...would you want me to be twenty again?"

"Oh god no!"

"No? Why?"

"Because now you are more...experienced," she says with suggestive smile.

"Oh, indeed I am."

"Wanna show me?"

"Do you have to ask?"

That night with Lisa is good. It´s better than good, it´s awesome actually. Better than it was in months. But it leaves Dean with a strange feeling in his stomach. It takes him two days to realize what the feeling means. He feels like cheating. Which he did, but what´s surprising is that he didn´t feel like cheating when he slept with Cas. The feeling came after sex with Lisa.


	9. Chapter 9

**Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine**   
**Together we can see what we will find**   
**Don't leave me alone at this time**   
**For I am afraid of what I will discover inside**

 

 

After the dinner and the night spent at Dean's house Castiel feels even worse than before, actually the worst since he met Dean in that pub. Of course it was nice to see both Winchesters happy. It was great to know that Sam is doing well and it was even better to see that Dean has a loving wife and a nice house with white picket fence. It was awesome to know everything he wished for Dean came true. This was the reason why he left five years ago, to give Dean a chance to have his apple pie life. But now he´s back and on the best way to destroy everything. And he can´t. He can´t let all the suffering of being separated from Dean be in vain.

So when he receives a text from Dean on Tuesday evening, he´s already decided that he has to end this before it´s too late.

DEAN: Will I see you any time soon?

Castiel takes a deep breath and types a reply: I don´t think it´s a good idea.

There´s no answer from Dean for several long minutes and Cas starts to think that maybe Dean got it and he agrees. The thought fills his chest with cold emptiness. Then the phone rings and Cas jumps in surprise.

"Dean?"

"Are you running away?" Dean's voice is calm and cold like steel but Cas can tell there´s anger simmering deep inside him.

"Dean, I..."

" You son of a bitch, you‘re leaving me again!" Dean bursts out.

"Dean, please let me..."

"No! You are not explaining anything! I know what you want to say. That it´s better for me, that you won´t stand in the way of my happiness, but you know what? You can cram it up your lily white ass because it´s bullshit! I´ve been a mess without you! I know it´s fucked up but you can´t... it´s too late, Cas! You can´t come back and let me believe that...and then leave again!" Cas can hear Dean´s voice breaking and it seems he´s close to hyperventilating.

"Dean!"

"No! Cas no! You can´t!"

"Dean! You need to calm down!"

Dean takes in a shaky breath.

"Breath, Dean, I´m not leaving. I´m not leaving you, ok?"

There´s only a crackling of the line while Dean breaths in and out several times. "Ok," he says eventually, his voice weak.

"I will stay in your life if that´s what you want. I just don´t think it´s clever to continue in what we are doing."

"You don´t want to," he sounds hurt.

"No I...of course I want, Dean. It´s what I was dreaming about for years. I just don´t want to ruin your life."

There´s an uneasy silence. "Cas, I need you."

Castiel's heart stumbles. Dean continues talking in a silent tone as if afraid of his own words.

"I can't stop thinking about you. Cas, I want..." He doesn't have to finish the sentence for Cas to know what he means. He shares the feeling. He wants to be close to Dean, as close as possible. His heart aches with the need to touch him. It warms his heart to know Dean feels the same way, yet it´s terrifying. They‘ve crossedthe point of no return, and the damage done from now on will be permanent.

"Can you come to my place?" Cas interrupts him, his own voice shaking.

"Now?"

"Yes." He knows they still need to talk about it, but he knows that it´s a big deal for Dean to make such confessions, to talk about his feelings and that he has enough for now. The only thing Cas wants to do now is comfort him, comfort him in the only way he can think of right now, the only way that would work in this situation.

"No. I´m at work. I’ve gottawait for my boss."

"And then?"

"I can´t,  Cas, she won´t come sooner than an hour and it will be too late then, I can‘t find an excuse why I didn´t come home."

"Ok. Are you alone in your office?"

"I'm probably alone in the whole building."

"Can you lock the door?"

"Yes.  Cas, are we gonna..."

"Just do it."

Dean hesitates, then Cas hears shuffling as he goes across the room and locks the door.

"Fine.  Get back to your chair, will you?"

"Yeah."

"Are you wearing your suit?" There´s the creak of Dean´s chair and Cas can almost hear him smiling when he answers in a low voice.

"Yes, but I don´t have a jacket on. And my tie is loosened, shirt unbuttoned."

Castiel groans. "Oh Dean, you look so hot like that. I wish I was with you. I would kiss your neck and your collar bones."

Dean sighs.

"And then I would open your pants and take out your pretty cock. Did I tell you how much I like your cock, Dean?" Cas´ gravelly voice sends a warm tingling sensation down Dean's spine and he has to squeeze his eyes shut and bite his lip not to moan when he imagine Cas´ lips on his skin, his hands on his body.

"Dean, I want you to touch yourself, please Dean, do it for me, touch your cock, do it nice and slow."

Dean obeys more than willingly, his breath hitches when his cold fingers touch sensitive skin. He lets out a small sigh which makes Cas shudder with anticipation.

"Are you getting hard, Dean? Are you hard for me, baby?"

"Yes, Cas. Your voice…so hot. I´m so hard." Dean groans, stroking himself slowly, eyes still shut, phone clutching in left hand.

"Imagine I'm with you, Dean, imagine it's my hand." Dean would wonder how is it even possible for Cas´ voice to drop even lower if his mind wasn´t clouded with arousal.

"Oh Cas, so good," he sighs and the chair squeaks under him when he thrusts into his fist.

"Dean, can you do something for me?"

"Yeah, Cas, whatever. Tell me what you want, keep talking, please."

"I want you to put your fingers in your mouth, suck them hard. Dean, I want you to pretend it´s my cock."

Dean chuckles under his breath. He does it slowly and it tickles his lips. He hums around his fingers, loud enough to be sure Cas hears it and the other man purrs, he fucking purrs. "Yes, Dean, just like that, make them wet." He has to unbutton his suddenly too tight pants.

Dean sucks and licks on the digits, then he pulls them out with obscene wet sound.

"What now Cas, what do you want me to do?"

"Touch your hole, Dean, make it slick, please." He says breathlessly.

Dean hesitates. "Cas."

"Dean," his voice is like a velvet and gravel at the same time and Dean finds himself unable to refuse him whatever he asks for.

He has to shove his pants and briefs down and prop his knees on the edge of the desk to be able to reach his entrance.

"Push one finger in when you are ready. Slowly, carefully as I would do it. Will you?"

"Yes, oh Cas," he moans and arches his back, the phone almost falls from his hand.

"Oh fuck, Dean." Cas groans and burrows his face into a pillow, he´s lying on his bed with the zipper of his jeans opened but he doesn´t touch himself, not yet.

"Does it feel good, Dean? Do you feel how tight you are, how hot and tight and perfect you are for me?"

"Cas, I want," Dean almost whines.

"What do you want, Dean? Tell me baby, please tell me."

"I want you to touch yourself. Touch your cock as if you were fucking my ass."

Cas isn´t capable of articulated answer, his cock throbs painfully. He gets rid of his pants and underwear as fast as possible and he groans when he finally wraps his fingers around himself.

"Move Dean. Work yourself open for me."

Dean grunts when he complies. The little sounds he´s making when he tries to find the bundle of nerves that made his world rock when Cas was doing this to him, make Cas speachless. And when he finds it and cries out Cas´name, he can only add his own share of moans and sighs.

"Cas...so good."

"Dean, I´m so close, so fucking close," Cas writhes on the sheets, his hips lift up with every hard thrust into his hand.

"I want you to come, Dean. Come for me, oh fuck, Dean!" he bites his lip and whimpers and Dean feels like he can almost come only from the sounds of Cas coming undone.

He pulls his fingers out of himself, hissing at the slight burn- his cock is painfully hard and when he rubs over the swollen oversensitive head, he drops his phone. Fortunately it only slides down his shoulder to his chest.

"Shit! Fuck! Cas!" he fumbles for it, afraid he will miss the best best part of what´s going on on the other end of line.

He presses the phone back to his ear.

He presses the phone back to his ear just in time to hear Cas´ incoherent moaning consisting mostly of Dean´s name.

His breath hitches just before he comes hard over his hand and Dean doesn't need much more than the sounds of his best friend coming to follow right after.

There´s a silence filled only with heavy breathing on both ends of the line, then Dean finally breaks it.

"Shit, I ruined my shirt!"

Cas can't hold back laughter. "I´m so sorry."

"That´s okay, it was worth it." Dean replies with a grin, he gets up and puts his pants back on, he stretches his body with a low grunt. Cas rolls  over in his bed, the bedding sticks to his stomach stick with drying come.

"It was not enough," he growls into a pillow. "I want you here, Dean, I need to touch you."

"I know. I promise I will find a time as soon as possible."

"Okay."

"I need to take care of the shirt and then pretend I´m a decent employee so I have to hang up."

"Okay, at least call me again."

"If every phone calls with you ends like this..."

Cas chuckles. "Bye, Dean."

"Bye, Cas."

When Missouri, Dean´s boss, comes, he´s sporting a big wet stain on his shirt where he tried to wash off the jizz, which he explains as a coffee stain.

His head is still spinning and they have to go through the papers they are working on twice.

He tells Lisa he´s tired and goes right to bed. In the darkness of his bedroom he types a text message.

TO CAS: Did I tell you it was awesome?

The phone buzzes in his hand just a heartbeat later.

CAS: No, but I guessed by the sounds you were making that you quite liked it.

TO CAS: That was the understatement of a century.

CAS: you should turn your phone off and go to sleep or i´m going to sext you

TO CAS: sounds tempting but I´m tired. Night, Cas

CAS: Sweet dreams, Dean

Dean reads all the texts again with a happy smile on his face, then he deletes all of them except the last one.


	10. Chapter 10

**Stars hide your fires**  
 **These here are my desires**  
 **And I will give them up to you this time around**  
 **And so I'll be found**

 

“No! I said the Kupka goes to the short wall not the long!" Castiel shouts across the gallery when the first tones of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata start playing.

"Oh wait! Wait! Wait! Be careful with that Kandinsky, for God’s sake!" He spins around following the people that carry a painting in a wooden box with a frowning look.

"Where the hell is that music coming from?"

"Mr. Shurley, I think it’s your phone."

"What? Oh yes, yes, of course, excuse me!" He fishes for the phone and leaves the crowded room. He still can’t get used to the new iPhone he got from his brother, it’s nice to be able to set his favourite song as a ringtone instead of the impersonal beeping, but it’s still a bit confusing.

"Dean?"

"Hey Cas! I can leave early today," The excitement in dean’s voice makes Cas’ insides tingle.

"I can be at your place in thirty minutes."

 "I’m still in a gallery." Cas frowns and looks back at the room full of confused people and paintings of immense value.

"I can try to be there as soon as possible but you will probably have to wait for me."

"I have been waiting for days, I can wait a little bit longer."

 

Thirty minutes later it finally seems that everyone knows what to do.

"Ok, I’m leaving. If I come tomorrow and find the Kupka on the long wall the consequences will be very unpleasant!“

Just when he's getting out of his car, his phone buzzes with new incoming text message.

DEAN: You should hurry or I’m starting without you

He smiles and enters the building. When he steps out of the elevator he sees Dean leaning against the door of his apartment, playing with his phone. He looks up and smiles and his eyes sparkle with something that makes Cas quicken his pace.

He stops when he's right in Dean's personal space, he breathes in his smell, spicy and warm, old leather and aftershave, and realizes his heart is running hundred miles in a minute. "Hey." Dean’s eyes are hidden behind a curtain of long lashes when he looks at Cas’ lips. The next moment Cas grips his hips and kisses him. Dean chuckles into his mouth.

"I missed you," Cas whispers, nuzzling Dean’s neck.

"I missed you too." Dean runs his hands through Cas’ hair and the shorter man nips at his jaw while he fishes for his keys.

Once they are in the apartment, they are kissing again, slow and sweet.

Dean loosens Cas’ tie and kisses his Adam's apple, Cas tilts his head back with a low thud against the door.

"Oh god, I’m so happy you are finally here." He tugs at Dean’s hair and kisses his temple.

"Stop the chick flick moment." Dean unbuttons his shirt, placing kisses on the skin he reveals .

"Yeah, no homo, I’m gonna fuck you like a man."

Dean bursts into laughter, resting his head against Cas shoulder, his body shaking with laugher.

"I hate you, you cheeky bastard." He looks at Cas, still smiling.

"No, you love me." They both freeze, staring into each other’s eyes.

"I didn't..." Cas stutters but Dean doesn’t let him talk, he claims his lips in a fierce and demanding kiss, postponing this conversation indefinitely.

When they stumble into the living room, neither of them remembers what was said, they are too preoccupied with each other’s lips and hands.

But Cas doesn't want this to be hurried, he wants to enjoy every minute of this, every touch, every breath.

Dean's fingers are eager, straining at Cas' clothes, and Cas almost lets him go on with it, but he somehow manages to restrain himself. He gently eases Dean's hands away, instead focusing on deepening the kiss. Dean grumbles in the back of his throat but subsides with a slight moan as Cas takes the lead this time, he pulls Dean’s shirt over his head unhurriedly, touching as much skin as possible while doing so. When it joins his suit jacket on the floor, he continues worshiping Dean’s body, slowly dragging his palms over the planes of Dean's chest, Dean's back, Dean's arms. The feeling makes Dean's eyeballs roll back into his head.

"Cas," he mumbles, but Cas silences him. He trails his hands down to Dean's crotch, where the bulge in his pants already stands out.

"I want to make the most of this," he tells Dean, his hands tauntingly slow in his unzipping. Dean makes an unintelligible sound when Cas's skin touches his cock through thin fabric. "I want-" stroke- "to have-" stroke-" you slow" stroke, and now Dean's almost writhing under his touch. Cas loves it.

Dean hisses when Cas tugs his boxers down. "...fuck," he manages to get out, "you."

Cas chuckles and mutters dryly, "That's the point." before he can't talk anymore, because his mouth is preoccupied with kissing and nipping on Dean's chest, taking a nice trip southward. Which means that Dean has a long, wet line down to his navel marked out before long.

It also means that Dean gives out a garbled groan that sounds suspiciously like a fusion of "fuck" and "arrrrrghh", because now Cas's tongue is on the base of his cock.

Cas is tantalizingly slow with every single move he makes. He licks the length of Dean’s cock after he's done worshiping his perineum, which admittedly takes a long time because he just can't get over how much that little piece of skin seems to undo Dean. And then, finally, he takes Dean's cock into his mouth.

Dean is practically incoherent by now.

The blowjob lasts an indeterminate amount of time. Really, it could be hours, the time Cas takes sucking Dean. At least, that's what it seems like to Dean, who is by definition mindblown and could have been anesthetized for this time. For Cas, it's simply pleasure as he watches the glorious creature before him succumb to what he's doing. 

Dean finally comes right into Cas's adoring mouth, with a long, loud moan that resounds in the room. His head thumps back against the wall, and Cas can't resist the opportunity. He does something he can't remember planning to do, but it feels so very temptingly naughty. He holds the semen in his mouth and slowly, slowly, he smears it over Dean's body bit by bit as he comes up.

"You're my masterpiece," he breathes into Dean's ear. Dean cracks his eyelids open, stares at Cas through those long, long lashes, and it feels like he's about to say something. He could make a cheeky retort, or swear, or flirt with as much shame as Cas, and just for a moment it looks like he will. Instead, he kisses him.

The kiss is sober. It feels like a declaration of a feeling buried deep, and both of them know it. They feel it in the steady press of their lips, neither frantic nor the mocking slowness of the previous minutes. They feel it in the swallowed words that could have passed from Dean's throat into existence but didn't, and they feel it hanging in the suddenly loaded silence.

And just for this moment, Castiel is sure he was right to the core when he flippantly named Dean’s feelings.

Dean reaches for the zipper of his pants, ready to return the favor, but Cas stops him by holding his hand.

"No, I want to come inside you," he says softly into Dean’s ear. The younger man nods, biting his lips. Cas drags his lips over the shell of Dean’s ear and when Dean squeezes his eyes shut, an idea flashes through Cas’ head. "Turn around," he says softly, guiding Dean with firm hands on his hips.

Dean immediately presses his back against Cas chest, letting his head drop on Cas’ shoulder. Cas has to smile at how compliant he is.

His tie is still hanging loose around his neck, he takes it off.

"What are you doing?" Dean flinches when he sees Cas holding the tie in front of his face.

"I’m going to use it as a blindfold," Cas explains calmly.

Dean looks at him and there’s undisguised fear in his eyes. "Dude, no!"

Castiel gets what this is about, he knows how hard it is for Dean to give up control. And maybe this is too soon. Everything is still new for them, they have many things to explore without mind games. But the idea of Dean being blindfolded is so sweet, he finds himself unable to drop the idea so easily.

"You don’t trust me, Dean?"

"I do, Cas, but... I’m not into such things."

"I would never do anything unpleasant to you, Dean. I would never suggest this if I wasn’t sure you will enjoy it. There will be no other restraints so you can take it off whenever you want. I just want you to try it."

Dean’s eyes stray over Cas’ face, searching for some kind of menace that isn't here.

He looks at the tie in Cas’ hands. He can’t deny the idea of Cas using his tie turns him on, but it scares him at the same time. But Cas is right, he never did anything to hurt Dean and Dean trusts him.

"Okay," he says it so quietly that Castiel isn’t sure if he really heard it or only imagined it, but when Dean turns his back on him, his heart jumps with joy.

He adjusts the tie over Dean's eyes, making sure it’s as comfortable as possible.

Dean is silent, taking deep breaths to force his racing heart to calm down.

It pains Cas to see him like this, but at the same time it delights him that Dean’s willing to do it for him.

"Is that okay?"

"No, it’s not, I can’t see a damn thing."

Cas smiles, "Alright, grumpy, try if it’s tight enough and won’t slip."

Dean raises his hands and tugs gently at the blindfold.

"Yeah I think it’s fine. "

Cas pulls him closer and tries to kiss his nervousness away, happy when it works and Dean relaxes.

"I will help you to step out of your pants."

When Dean stops being preoccupied with his own fear, he can finally focus on the sensations being blindfolded brings him. When he’s not distracted by what he sees, he can focus on the soft sound of Cas’ breathing, on his palms striding down his calves when he kneels down to help him out of his pants and socks, his chapped lips pressed to the small of his back.

"I will guide you to the bed. Just go slowly forward. " Dean nods and takes first careful steps, his arms stretched forward. It’s easier than he expected, Cas hands on his hips tell him where to turn so he doesn’t bump into furniture.

"Okay, now stop. When you bend forward, you can touch the edge of the bed. Get on it and stay on your hands and knees."

Dean does as he’s told, the sheets are soft and cold under his palms and when he crawls  onto bed he shivers slightly. He feels weird, exposed and vulnerable, standing there naked and blindfolded on all fours. All of sudden he’s afraid Cas abandoned him, afraid that this was just some cruel joke and Cas is laughing at him in a distance. Cas deep voice interrupts his train of thought as if he could read his mind. "I’m right here with you, Dean. I will just get us some lube." There’s a characteristic sound of an opening drawer to prove his words and a moment later, Dean can feel Cas’ warm body pressed to him from behind.

"Are you cold?" Cas’ lips are so close to Dean’s ear that he can feel his hot breath and his voice is so loud it makes Dean tremble even more.

"No, I’m fine." It’s a lie. He isn’t fine. He still wants to tear the blindfold off and run away but Cas’ palms are soft and warm on his back, his hips, his pecs and he knows he will be fine.

"Let's prepare you, shall we?" He trails his palms down Dean’s back, kisses the knobs of his spine. He skillfully lubes his fingers using just one hand, kneading Dean’s butt cheek with the other.

When he slides his slick fingers to Dean’s entrance, massaging the ring of tight muscles, Dean stiffens noticeably and Cas is afraid, that it’s too fast for him, that he might freak out like the last time

"Cas?" his voice is hoarse and unsure.

"Yes?" He’s sure Dean will ask him to slow down, or take the blindfold off or just stop, , but Dean surprises him.

"Could you.... will you use your mouth? To... to open me up?"

Cas sighs with relief, he can’t fight back the wide grin that spreads over his face.

So the guy likes rimming, that’s awesome, but the fact that he asks for it is as hot as the sight of Dean naked and blindfolded waiting for Cas to fuck him.

He has to press the heel of his palm to his impatient cock to steady himself.

"You like my mouth?"

"Yeah," Dean breaths out, "your mouth is perfect."

"Oh fuck, Dean," Cas swears just to release the sudden rush of emotion he feels.

He wraps his arms around him, tangle his hand into Dean’s hair and kisses him frantically. Dean chuckles and finds Cas’ other hand on the bed, lacing their fingers together.

Then the warmth and weight of Cas body disappears. Dean gasps when he feels the hot wetness of Cas’ mouth and tongue on his hole.

"Oh, yes!" he moans when Cas’ works him loose, his arms buckle and he drops to his forearms, keeping his ass up for Cas.

Cas pulls away slightly, leaving Dean's skin slick and wet. He blows gently at it. The cold sensation makes Dean yelp and squirm, his cock twitches and how the fuck is he hard again already?

"Oh fuck! Cas!" The other man giggles and slaps Dean’s rear playfully and oh he will be the death of him.

Cas doesn’t hurry but he tries to work Dean open as fast and as good as possible, feeling his partner is getting impatient and to be honest, he isn’t sure how long he can wait himself.

When he pulls his three fingers out of Dean, and he leans over his back, Dean is already a panting, incoherent mess and it delights Cas immensely how fast he loses himself.

"Are you ready for me," he purrs into Dean’s ear and Dean moves his hips in response, pressing himself against Cas which makes Cas groan into the crook of Dean’s neck.

He lubes himself, his other hand rubbing Dean’s shoulders, he kisses the back of Dean’s neck when he slides inside in one go, tantalisingly slowly. Dean moans contently, he has to admit Cas was right. When he’s robbed of his sight, his other senses seem to sharpen. He feels every inch of Cas’  length  sliding in, he feels the burn and the stretching and the warmth of Cas skin and his breath and it’s like a dream.

Dean moves his hips again, forcing him deeper and the movement of the muscles of his back and the curve of his ass make breathtaking sight, his body is pliant and welcoming and Castiel can feel thousands of I love you’s hanging on his lips, but he’s too scared to say them. So he presses them into Dean’s skin, writes them with his lips and tongue and fingers on Dean’s back and shoulders, on the back of his neck, into his hair.

He wraps his arms around Dean, finding his hands and intertwining their fingers. He  holds Dean tight, then he starts to move, smooth and slow, his motions fluidu.  Dean makes the sweetest small sounds of pleasure, clutching on his hands, then Cas can feel Dean’s full lips pressed on back the of his hands, sucking on his fingers and the gesture seems so loving, Cas’ moans sound almost like broken sobbing. He presses his face into Dean’s neck, breathing in the smell of his hair.

It is going on and on, like he has fallen into some sort of trance, pleasure

rising and ebbing driving them both close to the edge but never letting them fall off. He doesn't know how long he keeps the slow rhythm before he realizes Dean is begging him between moans and gasps. "Cas, please, faster! Please, Cas...I need more!"

But Castiel doesn’t want to give him what he’s asking for, not yet. He kisses away the beads of sweat between Dean’s shoulder blades and props himself on his arms, drawing himself up above Dean.

He pulls almost all the way out, eliciting low whimpering sounds from Dean, he grips his hips, then thrusts in, hard and fast. Dean cries out, Cas lets him take a breath when he repeats the smooth slow move out followed by another harsh thrust as deep as possible. Every time he pounds into Dean, he hits his prostate with unbearable precision. With each thrust Dean cries out broken and hardly intelligible variations of Yes, Please, Fuck and Cas.

His fists are clenched into sheets so hard, his knuckles have turned white, his face is pressed into mattress, the only thing keeping him from collapsing are Cas’ strong arms wrapped around his waist.

When the pleasure and the tension is nearly too much to bear, when they dance on the edge and the falling off is imminent, when Cas’ thighs start to tremble and he’s short of breath, when Dean’s tears wet the blindfold, Cas bottoms himself out in Dean, pressing their bodies as close as possible. He tilts Dean’s head and slips his tongue between his parted lips. Dean returns the kiss hungrily, his hand gropes around till he can stroke Cas’ nape.

"Dean," Cas growls, "I want you to come just on my cock, come untouched for me, Dean." Dean sighs heavily and kisses him once more before Cas starts to move again, harsh and fast.

And it’s too good and too much, Dean finally lets go, he’s spiralling down, coming so hard that it feels like the orgasm is punched out of the very depths of him, and he would swear he must have blacked out for a moment because the next thing he’s aware of is the warm feeling of Cas filling him up.

Dean lies splayed on his stomach, the sheets are wet with his come, but he doesn't care. He feels weak, his heart is pounding painfully in his chest, his muscles are still spasming. He feels like he was shred to pieces and he doesn’t want to be put together again, he wants to exist in this dark unreal world. But then he feels arms pulling him close to someone’s body and the touch is putting all his pieces together, pushing them where they belong, reconstructing Dean into perfection. When Cas takes off the blindfold, Dean is surprised that it’s not dark outside. The sun is setting, smearing its warm orange light over the walls. Cas’ eyes are wide and light and so incredibly beautiful that Dean has to wink to be able to stand his gaze.

"Are you okay?" Cas strokes his jaw and kisses him gently.

Dean crawls closer to him, burying himself in his arms, wrapping his legs around Cas’ body. He aches, his body and his soul ache for Cas, he never wants to let go of him. He wants to possess him, own him and be owned. The intensity is scary, he’s afraid he might choke on the emotion. It shouldn’t feel like that, it never felt like that. Dean likes sex, of course, he always loved sex. But sex was fun, even when he had sex with people he cared about, sex was just for fun, it wasn’t serious, it wasn’t declaration of feelings, it wasn’t mindblowing, it wasn’t important. But with Cas everything is different.


	11. Chapter 11

**And in the middle of the night**   
**I may watch you go**   
**There'll be no value in the strength**   
**Of walls that I have grown**

 

When Dean wakes up, it's already dark. He's itchy, the dried come on his stomach and between his thighs is fairly uncomfortable and he is sore, but Cas is breathing evenly next to him and it’s all he need to feel content. He rolls over and is surprised, when Cas wraps his arms around him, placing one palm over his heart and kissing his neck. Dean smiles, he thought Cas was asleep. "We need a shower and I’m starving" he mutters against Dean’s back.

"Yeah," Dean opens his eyes and yawns, then he blinks at the red digits on Cas’ alarm clock. 8:22

"Oh fuck!"

He breaks free from Cas’ hug and sits up "Oh crap!"

"What’s wrong Dean?"

"I have to go!" He jumps out of bed and looks around for his clothes.

"Now?"

"Yes! Actually like hour ago!" He finally realized his clothes are scattered around the floor in living room. He walks funny, he’s sore, his legs feel weak and he’s dizzy and where the fuck are his socks?

"Dean! You should clean up. And eat something."

"No, I can't! Lisa will be home in half an hour. I have to go." He's shimmying into his pants.

Cas doesn't answer, he actually doesn’t even move. When Dean’s dressed (except for his socks), he finds him still lying on his back, arm draped over his face.

Dean stops beside the bed. "Uhm... night, Cas." He bends down ad presses his lips against Cas’, when he pulls away, the other man sighs and licks his lips as to get rid of Dean’s taste. Dean feels a pang of pain under his breast bone when he turns away and heads out of the apartment.

"Dean?" a rasp of voice stops him with hand on the door knob.

"Yes?"

"Text me that you arrived home safely."

"Will do."

When the door is slammed shut behind him, Cas sighs again.

He stares at the ceiling for another hour, waiting for text that never comes. He doesn't shower and he doesn’t eat anything. He leaves the bed to use the bathroom and drink some water. When he comes back to the bedroom, he notices his pants neatly folded on his bedside table, Dean’s socks sticking out of one pocket.

 

* * *

 

Dean’s so exhausted it's mere luck he makes it home without accident.

His heart is racing when he pulls in the driveway and sees the house is dark, Lisa isn’t home.

Relieved, he turns on lights and TV so it seems he has been home for some time and heads straight to the bathroom. He dumps his clothes into the laundry basket and steps into the shower.

He hates having to wash Cas away. The hot water relieves the tension in his muscles but it only makes him feel weaker, spent.

When he slides his fingers over his abused hole, he flinches. He wishes it was Cas’ hand, that he was there with him.

He washes his face and remembers the feeling of the blindfold, of being able to let go of control, to not care about anything. It was the first time since he was four years old, when he didn’t have to take care of anything, to worry about anything. It made him feel weightless, free, happy. He remembers Cas’ voice when he said Dean would like it. He was so sure about it. How was it possible? How can he know what Dean needs? How can he know how to give it to him and why is he willing to give it to him? That has never happened before. It was always Dean who took care of other’s needs.

When he leaves the bathroom and put on his pajama pants, Lisa shouts at him from downstairs.

"Honey! I’m home!"

He doesn’t answer and when she enters the room, he’s already in bed.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

"Hey, Lisa," he smiles weakly. "I’m sorry, I feel sick. I wanna sleep."

She sits on the edge of the bed and kisses his forehead. "Oh poor thing! Do you need something? Have you eaten?"

"No, thanks. I just wanna sleep."

"Ok. I hope you will feel better soon." She strokes his hair gently and leaves him alone.

He hates her. He knows he doesn’t have the right, but he hates her. he hates her for being so nice to him, for loving him, for being so good. He hates her for believing his lies. He hates himself for feeling like this. He hates himself for getting himself into this situation. He hates everything. He hates his bed and his house and his whole life.

The only one he doesn't hate is Cas. He might hate him for messing everything up, for coming back or leaving at first place. But he simply can’t.

 

"I still feel you," Dean types the next morning whilst he's making coffee.

"Who are you texting ? You are smiling.,"  notes Lisa  and grabs a slice of toast, she’s in a hurry, getting ready for work.

"Ugh, just Cas."

"Ok, say hi from me." She kisses his cheek and storms out of the house.

Dean pours himself some coffee and checks his phone. There’s no reply.

"Oh crap!" He sets the mug aside when he realizes, that he screwed up and starts to type another text.

TO CAS: Cas, I’m really sorry I didn’t let you know I got home. Sorry, I just forgot.

There's no reply for another ten long minutes during which Dean chews his toast and sips coffee. When he’s washing the dishes, his phone buzzes on a counter announcing a simple message. 

CAS: That’s ok :)

Dean frowns. This is exactly the reason why Dean doesn't like texting. How is he supposed to know if he’s really ok or if he's pissed and pretending he isn’t and will only more pissed if Dean don’t fix it. Deep breath, Dean. He’s not a girl. When he says he’s okay, it probably means he is. And there’s that little annoying smiley face so he must be okay.

He gets ready for work, but he can’t stop thinking about it, and when he gets in the car, he decides that he will find out Cas’ real state of mind through longer conversation.

TO CAS: How are you?

What the hell Winchester when did you turn into a teenager?

TO CAS: Do you have to go to work today? I’m on my way to the office right now

He adds a frowny face, then he deletes it and sends the message.

He throws his phone on the passenger seat because he’s NOT desperate to get an answer and he can wait untill he arrives to work to read it.

CAS: yes, I have to prepare the gallery for the vernissage that's on Saturday

TO CAS: I won't distract you then. Have a nice day

CAS: you too :)

Well so it was really helpful. This is all they will tell each other after the best night of Dean’s life? Maybe he should tell him. Have a nice day oh and btw it was the best sex I ever had, the blindfolding was a great idea, now you can get back to your art pieces smiley face.

No, that won’t work. Besides, what if it wasn’t extraordinary for Cas. What if he has better fucks every weekend? Dean feels his chest tighten, so he pockets his phone and gets out of the car. Fortunately his work keeps him busy enough not to think too much and he hopes the night out with Sammy will help him clear his head. Reality proves him wrong when it appears that the only thing Sam is willing to talk about is the vernissage cas’ has mentioned.

* * *

 

"Come on, Dean, there will be free food" he tries to use his puppy-dog eyes which might work on girls but have never ever worked on Dean.

"You want to talk me into it because Sarah makes you go and you don’t want to suffer alone."

"Uhm... okay, that’s true. But Cas will be happy to see you there and when was the last time you took Lisa somewhere nice?" 

"Do I have to wear a tux?"

"Nah, you can wear whatever you want and pretend you are an unconventional artist."

"Okay, buy me another beer and I will think about it."

 

* * *

 

Lisa makes him wear a suit, which is actually good, because apparently, even unconventional artists wear suits on such occasions. Everybody looks like rich douchebags, they consume fine wine and ridiculously little portions of posh food at small high tables placed all around the gallery and hold pretentious conversations about art. There even is live music, not a string quartet, like Dean expected, just a guy with a violin and some chick with a flute . Overall the place makes him uncomfortable, even though he knows he looks good in his black suit and a dark green shirt without a tie (yeah he’s that rebellious). Lisa and Sarah both wear smart black dresses and when he looks at them, he wonder how it is possible that he and his brother are so lucky.

He grabs some wine, because Sam promised he will drive so Dean can drink, and looks around for Cas. He's standing in front of a canvas that looks like someone has dripped paint all over it, talking with a tall scrawny guy with light hair who wears a V neck under his suit jacket (how unconventional and artsy). Dean doesn’t like the way he talks with one hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

"Who’s that faggot?" he gestures to them with his glass of wine.

"Dean!" Lisa nudges his ribs with her elbows and frowns at him.

"Sorry, sorry," he mumbles and takes a sip.

"It’s Balthazar Voleuse, he owns the gallery," Sarah explains and Dean almost chokes on his drink.

"Alright, I'm gonna go say hi to Cas. You nerds don’t touch the paintings." He points a finger at Sam and Sarah, then he kisses Lisa.

When he approaches Cas, he plants his hand on the shoulder which is not occupied by the owner of the gallery. Cas jerks away in surprise and looks at him. Dean can see dozens of emotions flicker over his face before a polite smile settles there.

"Hello, Dean. This is Balthazar. Balthazar, this is Dean, my friend." They shakes hands.

"Nice to meet you, Dean. Do you like what Cas made here?" He gestures vaguely around the place.  _British accent, of course._

"Yeah, the wine is pretty good," Dean nods.

"I was just trying to persuade Cassy to join the private after-party in my apartment."

"Who would be there? You, your hand and...?"

 Castiel bursts into laughter by his side and Balthazar smirks. "I like this one! Your friends are much funnier than you, Cassy."

"There will be Bela," he nods to an attractive tall brunette nearby, ".. and other friends. So what do you think, Dean? Will you join us? There’s a jacuzzi and I have much better wine than what Cas could afford with his budget."

"Uhm, I’m sorry, but I’m here with my wife." Bathazar follows his glance towards Lisa and nods.

"There’s plenty of room."

Dean takes a deep breath but before he can say anything, Cas hauls him away.

"I am going to show Dean and his family around. See you later, Balthazar."

"What an asshole," Dean mutters when they are out of earshot."He's not so bad. He’s... peculiar, but he’s a good man. And he drives a convertible Austin-Healey." He adds in hope that it might help Dean see Balthazar in better light. But Dean just frowns at him.

"The fact he has good taste doesn’t make him any less of a dickhead."

Cas does as he promised and shows them around. Dean has to admit that he is quite enjoying the whole thing. The music is actually pretty good, the food is delicious and even the wine isn’t bad, once you get used to it. It’s amusing to watch Sam and Sarah geek out about the art. Even Dean finds some of the paintings - those that doesn’t look like someone tripped over them with a paint bucket - quite interesting.

But the best part is Cas. Dean could watch him for hours. His eyes sparkle and his voice, even though calm and formal, has an excited undertone that makes Dean smile. Yeah, and he looks incredibly hot in the suit he’s wearing.

"He killed himself in his Oldsmobile convertible while driving while drunk," Cas tells Dean about one of the artists.

"My kind of man," Dean mutters because yeah Cas was right, Dean loves classic cars and people who drive them.

"Castiel?" The voice is soft and melodic, and when Dean turns around to see whom it belongs to, he gasps. She wears a long, simple dark green dress that contrasts beautifully with her red hair. She looks beautiful and Dean is reminded of that time, many years ago, when he had an epic crush on Castiel’s older sister.

"Anna. What are you doing here?" Cas breathes out, he sounds even more surprised than Dean feels.

"I wanted to see how my little brother is doing." She smiles and wraps her arms around his neck, but he doesn’t hug her back.

"Hello Dean," she turns to him, when she lets go of Castiel.

"Hey. You back in the States?" The last time Dean saw her, she was leaving to study in Europe.

"Yeah actually, back in town. I've been living with Mom since Uncle Zachariah died."

"Zachariah died? How? ... I mean I’m sorry." He never liked the guy, he was even worse than Castiel’s mother in making Cas’ life hell.

"Stomach cancer." She sighs and shrugs. "I can’t say I miss him. But mother is really lonely without him. You should visit her, Castiel."

"I don’t think Naomi wants to see me."

Anna purses her lips. "You are both so stubborn."

"Last time I talked to her, she called me an abomination, Anna."

"She did not... you know what? Let's not ruin such a lovely night, okay? I didn't come to convince you to make up with mother. I wanted to see you and what your work is actually about. And it’s nice to see an old friend." She winks at Dean, her smile too bright, fake. In some ways she is exactly like her mother.

 

"We can give you a lift home," Sam offers when they are leaving, last of all the visitors.

"No thanks, I have a lot of things to take care of before I can go home."

"Ok, Cas, take care."

"Thank you, I’m glad you came. I hope you enjoyed it."

"Oh we did, right Lisa?" Sarah giggles and nudges the other woman.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrright!" Lisa answers and leans against her, also giggling.

"Oh god, we shouldn’t let them drink so much."

"Shut up, Sam! We're cute!" Sarah chirps.

"Of course you are. Let’s go girls, let’s get you in the car."

Dean tears his eyes from Sam supporting the two women and turns to face Cas.

"Uhm Cas, I thought...can I see you next week?" His eyes are so bright and hopeful that Cas can’t say no. He nods and before he can say anything, Dean pulls him into a hug.

"Good night, Cas." He whispers and brushes his lips against Cas' ear. And if Cas hadn't been sure he wanted to see him again, now he’s certain there’s nothing in the world he would want more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of Balthazar driving convertible Austin-Healey is from [Bless the Broken Road](../../841474) by [angelswatchingover](../../../users/angelswatchingover/pseuds/angelswatchingover) which is awesome and I highly recommend it :)


	12. Chapter 12

**And you rip it from my hands**

**And you swear it's all gone**

**And you rip out all I had**

**Just to say that you've won**

 

They meet at Cas’ place on Tuesday. They've barely exchanged a few words before they find themselves making out on Cas' couch. As soon as Cas comes over Dean’s hand, the moment is ruined by a shrill ring. Dean disentangles himself from the bundle of limbs and answers the phone. Cas’ heart sinks when he shoots him an apologetic smile and starts to adjust his clothes. "Yeah, Lisa, of course. Yeah I’ll be right there, ok, bye. Love you too." He’s halfway out the door when he hangs up and looks at Cas.

"Sorry," he sighs, slamming the door behind himself.

Cas doesn't feel pissed. No, just...kind of empty, disappointed. But this is still much more than he ever thought he can get, right? And it’s definitely much more than he deserves, so he doesn’t have a right to complain. Not at all.

On Friday, Dean rushes into his apartment and announces that he has only 15 minutes, then he has to go. He pushes Cas against a wall, mumbling against his neck that he wants to make the most of it. Cas blows him right there in the hallway, then Dean leaves him again. And if Cas feels a bit abused, he doesn’t admit it even to himself.

_Better than it could have been. Much better than nothing, Novak._

Next week Dean finally has enough time, so they make it into the bedroom. They are both expectant and slightly nervously frantic as they shed each other’s clothes and share passionate kisses.

There’s barely enough preparation, but Dean doesn’t seem to care when he wraps his legs around Cas’ waist and arms around his neck, pulling him deeper, closer, fingers digging into flesh, sighing and moaning right into Cas’ ear. Cas feels like he has been suffocating without noticing until now, and only with Dean can he breathe freely. He finally feels full now that he has Dean for himself, and it makes him possessive. Dean must feel the same because he bites and sucks the skin on Cas’ neck and arms, marking him as his own. Cas comes too fast and finishes Dean with his mouth.

He lies between Dean’s legs, head resting on his stomach. Dean is playing with the longer strands of his hair. He thinks too much and he knows it, but...he also knows that he can never tell when it's the good time to keep his mouth shut, when it might save him trouble, when it’s more tactful to keep quiet. He just feels like he’s betraying himself if he doesn’t speak his mind. And honestly, he’s been silent about his disgruntlement long enough. "Dean?" he says hesitantly. He feels like a little boy, his tone uncertain and juvenile.

"Yeah?" Dean tugs at his hair and pulls him closer so he can kiss him.

Cas groans into the kiss to express his disagreement with the distraction but he kisses back. Of course he does.

He almost changes his mind and gives up what he wanted to say, but then he remembers the hollow feeling every time Dean leaves him and he knows he has to, because it’s just a matter of minutes before it happens again.

"Will it always be like this?"

"What? Awesome?" Dean cocks an eyebrow.

"I mean... You rush in, we fuck, you run back to your wife." His voice wavers ever so slightly in the beginning.

Dean frowns and sits up, forcing Cas to follow suit.

He looks at him and his face is almost hurt at first, beautiful green eyes wide and accusing, and then they turn cold.

"And what do you want Cas? Holding hands? Candlelit dinners? Flowers?" He spits it out like it’s something disgusting. Like he would never even dream of doing anything even remotely close to that with Cas.

_Anything except fuck_ , Cas thinks bitterly, and it hurts even more to feel like he doesn't deserve anything else anyway.

Dean starts to put on his pants because no way in hell is he gonna have this conversation naked. Cas watches him put up his famous Winchester shields with a sense of abandonment, feels warmth creeping up his neck, anger swirling in his stomach. He takes a deep breath to say something, anything, but Dean hasn't finished yet.

"And what did you expect? You knew I was married! You knew it when this started! And actually it was what you wanted when you left me, wasn’t it?“ Dean pauses as if waiting for an answer but Cas just stares at him, dumbstruck, unable to speak, unable to even breathe properly. Dean continues, raising his voice even more. It's harsh and full of anger. Dean just feels angry, discharging every thought he's had with a feeling of satisfactory release.

„So what did you expect, Cas? That you'd show up after five years, confess your feelings, fuck my brains out and I'd give up everything I have for you?!"

Cas feels like Dean's words have turned his reality upside down and he is falling into darkness. He wans to say how wrong this is. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to ruin Dean’s life, he didn’t want to claim him for himself. For fuck’s sake, it wasn’t him who burst into his apartment and begged to be fucked! What Dean said is wrong and it hurts. It hurts on a deep level, it plays on the strings of Cas’ doubts, of his insecurities. It blows everything up.

He would argue, he would yell at Dean until he understood how wrong he is. He would fight tooth and nail if there was any chance at all to win this, but there isn’t, there never was. This was never meant to end well. 

Cas never deserved him. He never will deserve anything close to Dean.

"Get out," he says, much more calmly than he thought was even possible.

"What?" Dean blinks at him, surprised by such a cold response.

"I said get out." He sounds much more stern this time.

"Cas...don’t..."Dean stutters. He knows Cas, he knows that this is much worse than angry yelling. He knows he fucked up and wants to take it back. But he also knows it’s not possible. He reaches his hand to touch Cas’ shoulder but Cas slaps his hand away, hard. His fingers sting.

"Get out of this apartment or I swear I will kick you out myself!" Cas yells this time, and stands up, naked and furious, he looks like a Greek god of wrath.

But it doesn't work on Dean, he's not intimidated so easily. No, threats only make him fight.

He steps right into Cas’ personal space and hisses angrily "Should I take it that you don’t have anything to say?"

The punch surprises him. He knew Cas was strong, he saw him throwing punches but never experienced it himself. He feels a bitter, metallic tang in his mouth and his lip is rapidly swelling.

Before he snaps out of shock, Cas grabs his shirt from the floor and shoves it into Dean's chest so sharply Dean stumbles a few steps back.

He doesn’t say a word but his eyes are full of hostility.

Dean spits blood on Cas’ expensive white carpet with a feeling of righteousness, grabs his boots and jacket and stomps out of the apartment. He slams the door shut behind him with his foot.

"Fuck!" he yells in frustration. He rests his forehead against the cold wood, his fists still pressed against the door, and breaths out shakily.

For a moment he hopes this isn't real, it must be just a nightmare, he will wake up from it and everything will be okay. Because this can't be happening, not now, not this way, it can’t end this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you probably hate me right now. I´m sorry. Please feel free to yell at me in comments


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you for your lovely comments, for kudos and for your support. Right now I have serious doubts about this story but knowing there´s someone out there waiting for updates keeps me going.
> 
> Next two chapters are basically Dean (ch.13) and Cas (ch.14) dealing with their emotions. There´s some self-destructive behavior and it´s generally angsty. In an effort to put some plot in there I brought some new (canon) characters. I hope you will like them :)

**I ran away**   
**I could not take the burden of both me and you**   
**It was too fast**   
**Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break**   
**When it was a promise I could not make**

**...**

**And now this land**   
**Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees**   
**At every turn**   
**The water runs away from me and the halo disappears**   
**I'm not whole when you're not here**

**So what if I was wrong?**   
**Oh, what if I was wrong?**   
**Oh, what if I was wrong?**

 

Dean is angry. He’s angry at Cas, angry at himself, angry at the universe. He doesn't even know why he's angry anymore. He can’t think straight. He gets in the Impala and drives. He doesn’t drive home, he just drives, as far as possible. He know’s he’s running away from what happened, from the consequences of his actions. But he can’t face it, not yet. With every mile that goes under the wheels his heart calms down and his head clears. He ignores the furious ringing of his phone and tries to find sense in what’s happened.

He fucked up, that’s for sure. He shouldn’t have snapped at Cas like this. The things he said were harsh and stupid, and of course, they weren’t true. He said them because he was scared. Scared of what Cas might want from him, scared he wouldn’t be able to give it to him. The one thing was... he really can't leave Lisa because of Cas. On the other hand, he didn't treat Cas right. He subconsciously thought it would be easier this way, without feelings involved, without vain hopes. It was a shitty idea, there always were emotions between him and Cas. And now he's ruined it. Fuck, he's such an idiot! This should have never happened. None of this. Dean made it sound like Cas' fault but the truth was that he was the one who started this mess. But how he could have  resisted? He missed Cas so much. And then he turned up and claimed he’d always loved him. Him, Dean Winchester. No one ever loved Dean. Not this way. Sam loved him because he was family. Because it was expected of him. With Lisa it was amazing sex, then a relationship, then love.

 Cas loved him without demanding anything in return.

It was intoxicating. And then Dean took it and threw it into his face.

_That's why you can’t have nice things, Dean. You ruin everything. You don’t deserve anything good._

When he comes home in the middle of the night, Lisa is freaking out. She yells at him about how scared she was and that she called Sam and why he didn’t answer the phone and what the hell was he doing and what happened to his face. He doesn’t say a word even when she starts crying. He takes a bag of frozen peas  from the freezer and a bottle of bourbon from the cupboard and locks himself in the guest room.

She doesn't ask what was it all about the next day. She is sulking, actually, but she gives up quickly when it doesn’t lead anywhere. It pisses Dean off. Actually, everything about her irritates him. Her hair in the drain. Her long phone calls with her mother. The mess she leaves in the kitchen. The sounds that she makes when she eats. How she talks about her coworkers.

"If she’s such a bitch, you should tell her."

"Are you kidding me? I can’t, she’s my friend."

"Yeah, must be a good friend if you spent the last half hour bitching about her." Dean growls and Lisa stares at him taken aback.

"What’s wrong with you, Dean?"

"Nothing’s wrong with ME." He snarls and leaves her in the kitchen.

He know’s he’s pissy, it's not her fault. Actually he’s annoyed by every little flaw of hers because he’s angry that he doesn't have a real reason to hate her. Everything would be so much easier if she was a bad wife, but she isn’t, she’s the best one, much better than Dean deserves.

She's all he ever dreamt about. Well… maybe what he always thought he should want. Marry a nice girl and have a good simple life with her that his parents never had. But it wasn’t what he really wanted, right? He wanted to help people and he ended up in an office, because saving people doesn’t make enough money. His life is good, yes, it is. But it’s the comfortable lukewarm kind of good. Not the searing hot kind that makes you _think it doesn’t matter if I die now because I lived my life to the fullest_.

Dean tries to live his life as he used to before the thing with Cas. The Impala makes a weird rattling sound and he can’t figure out what’s wrong with her, but at least he has something to keep himself occupied with after work.

He goes to a bar much more often. Usually he tells Lisa he’s going with Sam, but he actually goes alone. He knows Sam would have his back and Ellen, the owner of the Roadhouse won’t tell on him. He usually doesn't talk to anyone but this time he feels sociable. He talks to Ellen for a while but she’s too busy. He buys a drink for some pretty girl who then comes to chat with him, but she turns out to be rather plain and uninteresting. They both get bored of each other quickly, she excuses herself and never comes back. So Dean drinks alone (more than he should) and just watches people. The only one who really catches his attention is a guy sitting on the other end of the bar. He has a rough scruffy appearence of hard working man, sailor maybe, yeah definitely sailor judging by the cap and thick wool coat that rest on the barstool next to him. He isn’t as tall as Dean but he has broad shoulders and looks like someone Dean definitely wouldn’t like to get into fight with. But his eyes betray him, they are light and kind and when the man shoots him a smile, Dean has to smile back.

Month ago, he wouldn't admit it, but now he can say the guy is attractive. But if Dean is flirting with him by looks and smiles and the way he fidgets with his glass, the alcohol is to blame.

"The hot sailor sends you this," Ellen grins at him and puts another glass in front of him.

Dean huffs out a laugher and smiles at the guy, nodding his head as a thank you. The other man beckons him to come sit next to him and Dean does without a second thought.

"Hey."

"Hey, thanks for the drink. I’m Dean."

"Benny." They shake hands, Benny’s hand is firm and warm and fuck Dean shouldn’t  drink so much. They talk. Benny has a lot of interesting stories to tell and Dean loves to listen. He has a thick accent but Dean finds it quite charming, he's so captured in the deep voice and blue eyes he doesn’t care that he leans too close to the other guy or that Benny’s hand rests on Dean’s knee.

"Hey! Faggots! Get a room!"

Dean doesn't even realize the man is yelling at them till he doesn't come closer.

"I’m talking to you, cocksucker! Get out!"

"What did you call me?!" Dean is on his feet in the instant and shoves the bigot.

"Dean," Benny reaches his hand to hold Dean back but it’s too late. Dean’s outraged, he doesn’t even give the douchebag a chance to back off and punches him in the face.

Which isn’t quite clever considering the guy has companions who cluster around Dean and Benny.

Dean grins at them. "You found the wrong guys to bully."

Two things are for sure. First: Dean enjoys the brawl too much. Second: It’s good to have Benny on his side. Gosh, the guy really knows how to throw a punch and the homophobic assholes would have their asses handed to them if-

Ellen’s voice saves them. "Stop! Enough!" she yells, her voice strong enough to be heard over the sounds of the fight. Dean notices she’s holding a shotgun. "Get out of my house or you'll wish I called the police!" The guys obey almost immediately, apparently glad the fight is over. Dean laughs at them, they run like beaten dogs.

"You too, Winchester!" Ellen barks.

"What? But Ellen!"

"I don’t care  who you are Dean! No one can fight in my bar. Now get the fuck out!" Dean opens his mouth to argue but Benny grips his shoulder.

"Let’s go, Dean."

Once they are out, Dean leans against a wall and laughs. His knuckles are bloody and he’s quite sure he will have a black eye but somehow he feels good, better than in days.

"Stupid bigot assholes! They had it coming! Have you seen them run away? They knew we would beat the living shit outta them if Ellen hadn’t stopped us."

"You should put ice on that." Benny’s right there in front of Dean, he strokes his quickly swelling cheekbone.

"Yeah that’s nothing. And look at you! You don’t have a scratch. Man you are awesome, you fight like a pro."

"There are things I like to do much more than fight." And then he’s leaning closer. It takes Dean a while to realize what he’s up to, but before Benny kisses him, he closes his eyes and turns his head away.

"I’m sorry, Benny, I can’t." He breathes out, his heart is beating fast.

"Oh, I’m sorry, Dean, sorry." Benny backs off. "I thought you really were into guys."

Dean sighs. „I…it’s complicated, Benny."

"No it isn’t. Believe me, brother. It always seems to be complicated but in fact it’s really simple."

Dean looks at him. "I’m married, Benny. I have a wife." The other man bites his lip and nods.

"I can’t tell you what to do, Dean, but I can tell you one thing. Sometimes there’s a difference between who you are and who society and family and people around you want you to be. You have to choose between them."

Dean stares at him. The blue eyes suddenly remind him of Cas and makes his chest thighten.

"Here’s my number." Benny hands him a piece of paper. "In case you need to talk. Good night, Dean."

"Night, Benny." He watches him leave, then he goes back to the Roadhouse.

"I told you to leave, Dean."

"Come on, Ellen. We're family. I’m sorry I caused trouble. I'll be a good boy, just give me one last drink so I can fall asleep."

"Yes, you are family, so I should tell you there are better ways to deal with your problems than to drown them."

Dean frowns at her. "If you wanna be like that." He starts to get up from the barstool.

"Wait! One last drink, then I’m calling you a taxi." She says and pours him whiskey.

He seemed to sober up during the fight but now, with the adrenalin washed away, he feels more drunk than before and he’s dizzy. Benny’s words are stuck in his head and he tells them over and over again:  _It’s not that easy. It’s not that easy…_

When he arives home, he tries not to make too much noise but as it always is with drunk people, the more he tries the worse it gets. He bumps an endtable in the living room and curses under his breath which only sets him to giggling fit. When he finally make it to the bedroom, he sees Lisa sleeping peacefuly, one arm stretched to his side of the bed.

He smiles and crawls on top of her. She wakes up with a sleepy moan. "Dean?"

"Hey gorgeous, did you miss me?" He whispers.

"Oh, Dean, you smell like a bar." She pushes him away just so she can look at his face. She yelps in horror.

"Dean! What happened? You were in a fight again?"

"What? Uhm yeah, this." He touches his face and tries not to hiss in pain.

"You should see the other guy. He was an asshole, he had it coming."

She runs her fingers through his hair and lets her head fall back into the pillow.

"Baby, you can’t do this to me." She sounds sad and Dean suddenly feels guilty.

"I’m sorry." He really is. For so many things. He kisses her bare neck and starts to push the comforter away so he can reach her body.

"Dean, you should sleep."

"I don’t want to, I want you, baby. You are so beautiful." He kisses her collar bones and strokes her hips- she feels so soft under the thin fabric of her nightgown…

"Dean I really don’t uh…“ she trails of when he sucks on her nipple. His palm slides down her thigh, he wraps her leg around his waist. While he fumbles with the buckle of his belt, he doesn’t stop kissing her and making her body pliant with his fingers.

He reaches into his pants and...oh.

"Crap. I’m sorry baby, I will be ready in a minute, just give me a moment."

Lisa sighs and pulls him closer into a hug, he nuzzles her neck, breathing in her sweet scent. In a minute he’s snorting loudly.

He wakes up embarrased and sick. He barely makes it into the bathroom and bends over the toilet bowl. When there’s nothing left in his stomach, he brushes his teeth and comes back to the bedroom. There’s a glass of water and Advil prepared for him. He takes the pill and crawls back into the bed.

Two hours later he feels more like a human being and ready to function at least a little bit. Lisa makes him breakfast. She isn’t mad at him, no, she’s compassionate which is even worse. Dean would be much happier if she was yelling at him, especially when she sits in front of him with a _we need to talk_ expression.

"You have to tell me what bothers you."

"I’m hungover but that’s all, Lisa. Thanks for the Advil and for breakfast." He forces a smile and takes a bite.

"It’s the second time you came home in the middle of the night with signs of a fight on your face! I know something is wrong with you."

"It was just a brawl in a bar, nothing more, Lisa. You don’t have to worry."

"No, Dean, it wasn’t just a brawl. This lasts longer. You are grumpy, irritable, you drink too much. I know something is wrong with you. You have to tell me, Dean. I’m your wife! I don’t know if I can help you, but I need to know. I’m not gonna watch you turn into your father!"

He looks at her in shock. This hurt, but she was right.

"Look, Lisa, I’m sorry, but I…“

"Is it about Cas?"

"What?" His heart stops for a moment.

"I know you haven’t talked with him lately. Was it him who hit you? Did you have a fight?"

"Lisa, I don’t want to talk about it!" he raises his voice and imediately regrets it when he notices the hurt expression on Lisa’s face.

"So don’t. Don’t talk about it with me. Talk about it with Sam or don’t talk about it at all but you have to do something! I know how happy you were when he came back. Now it’s the same as when he left, maybe worse. You need to fix it, Dean!"

Dean sighs and rubs his temples. "You have no idea…“

"You are right. I don’t, so tell me." She hugs him from behind and rests her cheek on his shoulder.

"He...he didn’t like how I treated him and told me and I…god, I was so stupid."

"Do you think you can change the way he treated him? Do you want to?"

Now this is absurd. His wife tries to convince him to fix things between him and his lover.

"I think I can, but… I don’t know if I should."

"Of course you should! Dean, he’s your best friend. You aparently can’t be without him. So promise me you will apologize to him and try to make it right, ok?"

Dean lets out a desperate laugh. If she knew what she asks for him. If she knew what he has done.This is wrong on so many levels. But she’s right, he can’t be without Cas.

"I promise," he mutters.

"Okay, I love you." She kisses his cheek and pats his shoulder.


	14. Chapter 14

**A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage**   
**You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink**   
**You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections**

 

 

When Dean leaves, Castiel feels as if someone has unplugged him. He manages to put on a t-shirt then he slouches on the ground beside his bed and stares at the opposite wall. He doesn’t feel anything, he’s just an empty vessel. The only thought in his head is _this is wrong_ , playing on repeat over and over, but there’s no emotion to accompany it. It's probably due to the black hole that he can feel in his chest, and now it's swallowing everything and if he’s lucky enough it will swallow him too and his limbs feel heavy and weak and there’s gray mist filling his head. 

He has no idea how long he sits there like this before he dozes off.

Waking up brings a moment of blissful oblivion. Then it hits him like a fire truck. There’s still no emotion, not really. Just a weird kind of fatigue. His body hurts, a dull kind of pain that’s probably just somatic but it doesn’t make it any less real.  Castiel gets up to take some pills, he washes them down with whiskey thinking that it’s the best way to rehab or graveyard, but he doesn’t care really. He realizes that the worst pain is in his stomach-he’s hungry. Yeah...of course he is, he hasn’t eaten since lunch yesterday. He doesn’t feel like eating anything at all anyway, so he decides to take a bath instead. He fills the bathtub, the water a little bit too hot, but it feels good when it embraces his body. His muscles relax and his vision blacks out. It feels as if all his pain and sorrow flows away. He knows it’s just his blood pressure falling because of the hot water and that he can faint. His only reaction is a vague wondering thought if the water would wake him up or if he would drown. He doesn’t care. This feels good. It’s the only way to feel good again. And yet the only thing that happens is the water getting lukewarm and losing its effectivity. Cas gets out, doesn't bother to dry himself and goes straight to the kitchen, ignoring the goosebumps on his naked skin. He finds some cheese and crackers somewhere, it seems tasteless to him but he doesn’t want to cook, not now. He tumbles into the bed with the full intention to bury himself in covers and never get out. His bed smells like Dean. 

It makes him snap out of his apathy. In the rush of energy driven by anger he gets rid of the linen, almost tearing it off aggressively. He lets it lie on the floor, a strange, bitter satisfaction curdling his stomach at the sight of the shredded remnants, and drops back onto the stripped bed. He curls into a ball. Without the protection of apathy, everything is a thousand times worse. He's pathetic, desperate, pitiful. His body contorts as if in pain. He almost wishes he could cry but he has no tears. The smell reminded him of what he had, what he's lost. All the things he ever experienced with Dean run through his head followed by all the things he could have had if he hadn’t been stupid. If he hadn’t try to do the right thing and left. He didn’t want to be selfish but his selfishness was stronger then him, eventually. And look where it led him. If he just hadn’t been that stupid, if he hadn't been a coward and tried to get Dean years ago, if he hadn’t been a lust-driven idiot, if he had kept his mouth shut… They could have had it all, and that’s the worst part- Cas knows that they would have been happy together. He knows he would've been good for Dean. But everything is fucked up, so entirely fucked up. He snuggles into the cold covers, wishing it all away. He prays for sleep that would bring him relief, he wishes to wake into a world where everything is alright.

He wakes up and everything's the same. He doesn't know what time it is. Then again, time's lost its meaning, like it always does when you are home and don’t have to go anywhere or do anything. Cas gets dressed  and orders pizza, and he cleans the apartment as he waits because he’s not as pathetic as to lie in the mess, right?

When the pizza arrives, he tries to watch TV, but everything is so stupid. All the people there and their stupid problems. The worst are happy endings. There’s nothing like happy endings in real life! He turns the stupid thing off angrily and realizes it’s already dark. He turns on the lamp and gets an idea. It must be somewhere...maybe in a drawer... yeah, here it is...

The cigarette pack is not his, Balthazar's left them there- Cas stopped smoking years ago, but his life doesn’t make sense so what would it even matter if cancer stole a few years? He knows it’s stupid and normally he would slap himself for such thoughts, but not today.

He lights up a cigarette and takes a few drags, then he notices his reflection in the window. He looks terrible. Dark circles under his eyes, stubbled cheeks and messy hair. And then, on his neck and collar bones, dark marks. It makes him mad. The cigarette ends up in a glass of water that stands abandoned on an end table. Cas makes an angry sound deep in his throat and rubs vigorously at his neck, trying to get rid of the marks. It’s not fair! So not fair! Dean doesn’t have a right to mark him! Dean didn’t have the right to treat him the way he did, he didn’t have the right to get mad at him! He took everything from Cas and it's so fucking unfair! And now there are these marks to mock him! He sacrificed everything to let Dean be happy and now Dean's just left him! He showed him how happiness feels and then he ripped it all apart.

He keeps empty envelopes and paper in a drawer. He hasn’t written a letter to anyone in a long time, but now he needs to release the thoughts that are poisoning his mind. He takes a sheet of paper and his favourite fountain pen and sits on the floor.

_Dear Dean,_

It’s the second letter he's ever written to Dean. He stares at the blank page and tries to formulate his thoughs but he can’t. He wants to express everything. His love for Dean, his disappointment, his rage, his sadness. He wants to write about everything, how they met, how he fell in love, how hard it was to leave, what he felt when he met Dean again, he wants to write about sex, about the fight, about everything. But he can’t and the white paper is mocking him. His heart beats painfully in his chest when he sees the name of his friend, of his love. He’s angry, he’s sad. The emotions are burning inside of him, making him unable to think. He traces the lines of the name over and over again, making them thick until there’s a mess of black ink instead of Dean’s name. Then he writes it again and again.  ** _Dean_**

**_Dean_ **

**_Dean_ **

**_Dean                                                  Dean_ **

**_Dean_ **

He writes it until it entirely covers the page, turning the white into black. As black as his soul feels right now. The ink is smeared by the tears that fall on the paper, but Cas hears himself laughing hysterically. The sound makes his own skin crawl. It’s like he’s bleeding on the paper, letting go of everything inside him and when there’s no more space on the page, there’s nothing in his heart.

 

Cas sprawls onto the couch, clenches his teeth and shuts his eyes.

He has nothing. The thought sinks into his chest like a knife. About one thing, Dean was right: Cas wanted him to have a happy life with Lisa. And he has it now and it’s understandable he doesn’t want to lose it. Cas has nothing to lose. He’s no one. He doesn’t have a family (well, he has a family... that except Gabriel, doesn’t give a damn about him), he doesn’t have a home- he has a job- he has a job that he kinda likes but it isn’t anything special. Not what he wanted to do, nothing that would change the world. It's weird to realize it now. But he always wanted Dean, and even when he let go of him, the urge was still inside him. And after having him, even just for a short time, and losing him again, it feels different. Empty. It’s wrong and pathetic to be defined by other people but it isn’t his fault. It’s just how the world works. They taught him that a work of art, when nobody’s looking, is just a layers of pigments on canvas. It can’t be a work of art without an audience. So what is Castiel if there's no one to think of him, to love him, to share life with him? Just flesh and bones, nothing more. He could be defined by a purpose but does he have one, really? Did he ever have one? Was Dean his purpose? 

His head hurts, and it's hard to say if it’s just from the weight of his thoughts or the alcohol he’s been drinking all day. For sure, the feeling of cold pain in his stomach is from the thought that he doesn’t know who he is. He’s not good and he's not bad, he's not shy but not exactly sociable, he's not always dominant, he’s calm but he can flip out at any moment, for God’s sake he isn’t even straight or gay! As if he never was able to decide what he wants to be. He’s just a gray indefinite mess. But why the hell is he thinking about this now? Isn’t his break-up with Dean enough to be sad about? Does he really need to dig into his own soul? What does it have to do with Dean? Why does he do this to himself?

_Because with Dean you know who you are._

 His stomach constricts and he feels like puking. It’s much worse than when he left Lawrence. It didn’t felt like losing him, not really- Dean was always in his heart, in his mind, as a friend, as a crush. He left him but it wasn’t definite (oh yeah, and he was right about this, but he never thought it will end up with them fucking!) and it was for a good purpose. There was some kind of vague hope that Cas could hold on. But now? There’s nothing. This can't get better. They tried it and they fucked it up. End of story. Dean can get back to his wife and Cas is left with his pretty broken heart. It’s definite and bad and so unfair. Cas curls into the fetal position and fists his hands in his hair. There are tears on his cheeks. He didn’t even realize he was crying.

 

He doesn't leave his apartment for couple of days (God bless food delivery). He calls the gallery and tells Crowley that he's sick. Then he turnes his phone off to avoid himself checking it every ten minutes for missed calls and texts from Dean that never come. He participates in an online auction and makes a really bad deal. But it’s not his money and it won’t even make a dent in Crowley’s account so who cares?

He reads a lot. It always helps to focus on somebody else’s story when you don’t like your own.

The main character is just in a middle of a soliloquy, confessing his feelings and explaining his motives, when the doorbell rings. Cas squints at the door. He didn’t order anything, did he? There’s a little voice in his head (he decides to call it his inner teenage  girl) that tells him it might be Dean. He ignores it as well as the weird feeling in his stomach. The doorbell rings again, and with a jerk Cas finally goes to answer the door.

"Bloody hell! You look like shit, Cassy!"

"Gabe? What are you doing here?"

"Checking on my stupid little brother who apparently decided to scare all the family shitless."

"I didn’t want to scare anyone," Cas mutters and lets Gabriel in.

"So why did you turn your phone off?"

"Maybe because I wanted people to leave me alone?"

Gabriel tilts his head. "Come on, Castiel, what’s wrong with you?" He grabs Cas’ shoulders. "What happened? You can tell me. Somebody hurt you? Do I need to kick someone’s ass?"

"I’m okay, Gabe. I’m glad you care, but I don’t need your help."

Gabriel sighs and lets go of him. "Hm...let me see." He looks around the apartment. "So is it something at work? Or is it about love?" He picks up the book Cas left on a couch and reads the title.

"Oh yeah, so it’s about love."

Cas rolls his eyes, sometimes he manages to forget how annoying his older brother is.

"So, Cassy, was it a girl or a boy?"

"Gabriel, please, I don’t want to talk about it."

"But I don’t care what you want. You don’t know what is good for you."

"And you do?"

"Of course, I’m the big brother." He pushes  the collar of Cas’ shirt aside and looks at the bruises that refuse to fade away no matter how hateful Cas stares at them in a mirror.

"I bet it was a boy. Man." He corrects himself when he notices the twitch in Cas’ face.

"So was it serious? What has he done to you? Tell me everything." He takes a seat in Cas’ armchair and smiles up at him.

"No. No Gabriel, I won’t talk about it. You can stay but please, this is none of your business." He takes a deep breath to calm himself. The more emotions he show, the more curious Gabe will get.

"Alright, Cas, i get it, you don’t want to talk about it. But look around you, look at yourself. You are not okay and you know it. So please, let me help."

Cas looks at his brother and the sincere concern written in his face.

"I don’t think anyone can help me," he sighs and bows his head. He gasps in surprise when Gabriel pulls him into a hug.

"Oh Cassy, just tell me what happened with your lover boy."

Cas breathes out and relaxes into the hug. "You will yell at me if I tell you."

"Of course I won't Cassy," Gabe ruffles his hair and pulls away to look Cas in the eyes. 

"So?"

"He’s married."

"Oh my god Cas! Are you kidding me? You never watched a single chick flick? Every girl knows you DON'T get involved with a married man! He won’t leave his wife for you, they never do!"

"I didn’t want him to leave her and you promised you wouldn’t yell!"

Gabriel bursts into laughter. "Sorry Cassy, I couldn't help myself. Please continue, bro." He pats his shoulder and Cas is pissed at him but he also feels a need to share his troubles, now he's started.

"I didn’t want him to leave me, but I...I thought he loved me..." he trails off.

"But he only loves dick," Gabe suggests.

"Yeah, probably. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I felt used and I can’t let anyone to treat me like a toy! To use me whenever he wants. So I told him and he..."

"And he was being a dick."

"Yeah he made it whole sound like it was my fault. So I kicked him out."

"You did right, Cas. He doesn’t deserve you."

"Yeah I know, but... Gabe, I really love him, I don’t know what to do. And he’s right! He wouldn't be married if I hadn't left."

"Wait what? Is it Dean?"

"Yeah," Cas sighs.

"Oh my god! So I’m the only sibling that didn’t fuck a Winchester." Gabriel chuckles. "How is Dean’s brother by the way? I haven’t seen him in a while."

"What are you talking about? Anna didn’t..."

"Oh yeah, she did. Before she left to Europe. On the backseat of the Impala."

"Oh god, I didn’t need to know this." Cas tumbles on the couch.

"How do you even know?"

"I used to read her diary. Oh do you still have those lovely secret letters of yours?"

"Gabe! Please tell me you didn’t read them!" Cas whines and covers his face with a cushion.

"I swear I never read those adressed to me."

"You are a terrible, terrible person, Gabriel, and even worse of a brother."

"Ouch, that hurt, Castiel. Remember that I came down here all the way from New York to help you with your love troubles."

"No one asked you," Cas mumbles, but he looks at his brother with sad eyes.

"What should I do, Gabe?"

"You have to get your shit together, Cas. You can't be such a wreck because of one dickhead."

"I know Gabe, I know. But it’s like...like I was building a house of cards and someone took away one of the cards and everything is falling down. The thing with Dean just made me realize how fucked up I am. how unable I am to...be the man I want to be."

"So change it, Cas. You can do that."

"No, I’m not as brave as you. I can’t just leave everything and start again."

"You are right Cas. You are not as brave as me. You are much braver. All I was ever able to do was leave and leave you and Anna, which I will never forgive myself. But you fought with mom and Zachariah. You always stand up for yourself. You have to do it once more. You wanted to be an artist? Okay, start to paint again. Or go to Europe. I bet you can convince Crowley to pay for it if you tell him you need it to get him some gems. Don’t let this take you down. Take it as a fresh start. Now there are no what ifs, you tried it with Dean and you know it doesn’t work, so you can finally get over him."

"Thank you, Gabe." Cas says softly, hugging the cushion. He really feels like a little boy, listening the advice of his big brother. He’s just a little bit ashamed that he wasn't able to cope on his own but also very thankful that Gabriel came.

"Say I'm the best big brother in the whole universe."

"No, you suck, but I love you."


	15. Chapter 15

**It was not your fault but mine**   
**And it was your heart on the line**   
**I really fucked it up this time**   
**Didn't I, my dear?**

 

Cas isn’t at home. It took Dean a week to finally get the courage to come here and now he isn't fucking there. Maybe he doesn’t even live here anymore or he is out with someone- it's Friday night after all, maybe he has a date with someone better than Dean. Dean leans against the wall. "Crap!" he whispers. Maybe it’s just destiny telling him he should give up. But he's come so far! He can’t back off right now. He looks at the bouquet of yellow flowers he’s holding and sighs, and then he hears the footsteps. Cas' pace doesn’t falter when he sees Dean but there’s a certain tension in his muscles that shows he’s torn between going forward and turning back.

He doesn’t say a word, he doesn’t even look at Dean, when he comes to the door. He’s pale and his hands are shaking as he unlocks the door. Dean wonders if it’s because he’s angry or if he’s sick. He doesn’t know that Cas isn’t sure if he should cry or laugh or rage. He’s been dreaming about Dean coming to him, but he also gave up. Now he feels his blood leaving his face and his whole body tremble and he prays Dean doesn’t notice.

"Cas?" Dean finally manages to choke out when the other man opens the door.

"What do you want, Dean?" Cas bursts out, and he sounds more angry than he intended. They share a shocked look, then Dean raises a hand with the flowers. "Will you go out to dinner and a movie with me?"

Cas stares at him with dumbstruck expression, then  drops his eyes to the bouquet.

"Are you mocking me, Dean?"

"What? No, no! No, Cas, I’m serious!" He has to prop the door open with his foot to stop Cas from closing it.

Blue eyes look into his and they are so hurt and angry that it makes Dean shiver. He gulps before he starts to speak. "Cas, listen, I’m sorry." Castiel rolls his eyes and takes a breath to say something but Dean doesn’t let him. "I really am. I was stupid. The things I said were... bad and they weren’t true. I didn’t treat you well, and I know it. I think that I thought it would be easier without emotions involved, but that’s bullshit. There already are emotions between you and me, there always were. You are my best friend. First and foremost. I’m sorry I fucked it up. But I can fix it, Cas, just let me fix it. I can’t leave Lisa, not because I want to do it for you, I don’t want to do it to her, I can’t do it to her. But we can make this work, just... will you please go to dinner and a movie with me?"

Cas stares at him without a word for so long that Dean realizes he might suffocate if he doesn’t let out the breath he’s holding.

"How long?" Cas finally says and Dean’s heart leaps.

"What?"

"How much time do you have before you have to go home." Cas’ voice is cold and formal as if they were talking business.

Dean strokes the back of his neck nervously. "Uhm...Lisa's gone to visit her parents. She  won’t be back until  Sunday evening. So I thought... If you want... I might stay all weekend. Only if you want. If you don’t,I..."

He doesn’t finish because Cas snatches the flowers from him. He smells them and turns away from Dean moving inside, leaving the doors open.

"Daffodils?"

"I thought they were your favourite."

"They are." Cas proceeds to the kitchen where he puts them in a vase, Dean follows him inside reluctantly.

"Is that a yes?" Cas nods, smelling the flowers again.

"But I have a condition. I choose the movie and where we eat." 

"I hope you won’t make me watch some terrible chick-flick."

"I will think about it," Cas smirks and Dean groans, but he can’t fight back a smile. "Stay here, I’m going to change my clothes."  He stops on the way to the bedroom. "Oh, yeah, and I pay."

"What? No! I should pay, I’m the one who..." Cas cuts him off with a raised hand.

"It will make you uncomfortable. So I pay."

"You are pure evil."

"I know, and you deserve it." With that he disappears into the other room and Dean sighs. He knows he deserves much worse.

 

There are no big gestures, no hugs, no passionate kisses. There’s a lot of awkward silence instead. Cas could have tortured Dean by choosing some expensive French restaurant but he shows him some mercy and takes them to a nice diner with tasty cheeseburgers and homemade pie. Even though they are across the town from his workplace, Dean’s nervous someone might see them. Which is silly because what they would see? Two friends having dinner... in an awkward silence. Dean can’t stand it anymore, he sighs and says the worst possible thing but the only thing that he can come up with.

"So what have you been doing?"

Cas looks up at him, surprised, and  frowns. Nothing much actually. I was barely able to function without you, what do you expect me to say?

Dean, as if he could read Cas’ thoughts, nods and looks at his hands folded on the table.

"Gabriel came to visit me."

"How is he?" They both know Dean actually never really liked Cas’ annoying older brother, but at the moment he’s glad Gabriel took care of Cas.

"He’s good, he always is. He told me you had sex with our sister."

Dean almost chokes on his beer to Cas’ great amusement.

"What? Uh. I... but it was years ago! And just once!"

Cas chuckles. "You don’t have to defend yourself Dean, it’s okay. I was just surprised you didn’t tell me."

"She begged me not to tell anyone, especially you and Gabe. How does he know anyway?"

"He reads her diary."

"That bastard!" Dean laughs. Cas smiles but the smile disappears when he speaks again.

"I told him."

"What?"

"About you and me." He looks guilty and Dean feels his stomach twist at the sight. He reaches for Cas hand, touching his knuckles softly with tips of his fingers.

"That’s okay. I get that. And even though Gabe is a gossip, I believe he won’t tell anyone."

"He’s pissed at you, but he won’t do that."

"Yeah," Dean sighs and strokes Cas hand again, he stops when the waitress brings them their meals.

"Cas? Tell me about the relationships you had when you were away."

"Why?"

"You know about everyone I was ever with. It’s only fair."

"Hm, well, there was Alfie."

"The hooker."

"The prostitute, yes. Then I thought I should try to have 'normal' life on suburbs with good wife and stable work. I lived with Daphne for two years. It was peaceful, comfortable and incredibly boring. When I realized that it was the same as being buried alive, I left her." Dean nods, he can’t imagine Cas like that.

 "Then I had a phase of meaningless hook-ups.," Cas continues,. "and then I met Michael. With him it was the absolute opposite of my life with Daphne. It was wild and unstable. We broke up at least once a month but it was... passionate."

"Okay, okay, I don’t need details!" Dean bursts out when he sees that Cas is about to zone out.

"After a year we decided we were hurting each other more than we made each other happy and we ended it. I started to work for Crowley which involved a lot of travelling, so it would be hard to keep a relationship anyway. There was no one significant since then."

  

The awkwardness is gone after that. They talk and Dean watches Cas’ eyes grow brighter, it makes him happy. They talk like old friends about movies and books and life. Dean talks about cars and Cas talks about art. Sometimes their knees touch under the table and it makes the butterflies in Dean’s stomach flutter their wings.

It’s getting harder to pay attention to what Cas says. Dean can’t tear his eyes from Cas’ lips, he misses the taste of these lips, he missed Cas so much that now when he has him, he feels drunk by his presence.

"Dean? Are you with me?"

"Yeah, yeah sorry I just got lost in thoughts." Dean shakes his head.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Uhm," Dean rubs the back of his neck, he can’t say he was thinking about Cas's lips on his cock, right? It’s not very romantic and now that they're newly making up, he can't let Cas think he's only interested in the sex.

"Have you ever tried BDSM?" _Yeah! That was much better, Winchester! Bursting out the first thing that comes to your mind always works so good._

Cas smirks and tilts his head. "Why do you ask? Are you interested?"

"Uhm... I just... oh..." Dean’s blushing like a schoolgirl and Cas finds it adorable, but he saves him anyway.

"Yeah I have. With Michael, we experimented a lot. It wasn’t a proper dom/sub relationship since I’m not exactly submissive, but yeah, we tried some things."

"You were his sub?" Dean expected a positive answer but not this. He always thought of Cas as dominant and the thought that he learnt his dominant behavior in bed from someone else does weird things to Dean’s stomach.

Cas chuckles. "As I said, it wasn’t a proper sub/dom relationship but I played that role a few times, yes. I believe it’s good to try many different things to find what suits you."

Dean still can’t wrap his head around it, he tries to imagine Cas gagged and tied to a bedpost, being fucked by other man and he almost chokes, he hates the idea.

"So you bottomed for him."

There’s still a soft smile on Cas’ lips, telling Dean that he’s being ridiculous asking such questions.

"Yes, a few times."

Dean nods and pokes his pie with a fork.

Cas watches him, waiting for the "would you bottom for me" to slip from Dean’s lips but it remains unspoken.

Cas decides to break the silence but not to drop the subject, it obviously makes Dean uncomfortable and Cas finds it amusing. Dean was right when he said Cas was evil.

"By the way when we broke up, Michael found himself a suitable sub. Nice guy, that Adam, even though he was really young. Last time I heard of them they were living in 24 hour dom/sub and were fairly happy."

"Okay, I think I heard enough about your ex.," Dean barks out.

"You’re the one that asked." Cas reminds him innocently and Dean sighs.

Cas squints and tilts his head. "Are you jealous, Dean?"

Dean looks at him, his face all sharp lines and defensiveness, then it slowly melts down and Dean smiles.

"Yeah, fuck yeah, I am Cas."

"I like it." Cas smiles and takes a bite of his pie.


	16. Chapter 16

**I know you have felt much more love than you've shown  
And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest**

 

Castiel isn’t sure if it was right to give in so easily. Maybe he shouldn’t forgive Dean, but he can’t find it in himself to reject him. It’s Dean Winchester, the most pig headed person Cas knows, and he came and apologized. That has to mean something, right? Of course, only time will show if Dean can keep his word and treat Cas better, but he deserves a chance. After all, he gave Cas a chance after he left him for five years. Of course, there’s still the thought that gnaws at Cas’ stomach that it would be better for both of them to stop this. Dean should return to Lisa and be a good husband and Cas should run to Europe and find the true purpose of his life. But when he watches Dean all flushed and nervous, shooting him shy smiles as if Cas was his high school crush (and not the other way round), he knows he can’t resist. It’s selfish, maybe even stupid, but it’s what he wants. He wants Dean, and Dean finally made him believe he wants Cas just as badly. So screw everything, if this is a way to hell he’s going to enjoy it.

 

He tells Dean he wants to see some foreign intellectual movie and sends him to buy popcorn. When Dean leaves, happy that Cas lets him pay at least for something, Cas secretly buys tickets for the newest sci-fi hit, he’s seen Dean ogling its poster earlier and the man was almost drooling. The expression on Dean’s face when he realizes what Cas has done is priceless.

They watch the movie, which is pretty good, and he chews popcorn and Dean would enjoy it wery much, if only he didn’t have to control his every movement. He wants to place his palm on Cas’ thigh or kiss the other man between action scenes. But he doesn’t know if it’s appropriate or not. He really doesn’t want to fuck up this time. Eventually he decides for the biggest cliché ever, he stretches his arms above his head and then lets one fall around Cas shoulders. He feels him chuckle before he looks at him.

"Seriously Dean? Are you sixteen again?"

Dean frowns. "Don’t laugh at me! I don’t know where I stand. I just don’t wanna fuck it up."

Someone in a row in front of them hisses at them.

"You think too much, Dean," Cas whispers and leans closer to kiss him. It’s just a short brush of lips but it ignites fireworks in Dean’s chest. A wide grin stretches over his face when Cas snuggles against his shoulder.

 

After the movie they grab a beer and then they head back to Cas’ apartment. That’s where Dean’s insecurity strikes again. He follows Cas inside, and then he feels lost. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. It feels like a first date and Dean realizes it actually is their first date.

"Uhm... so?" He clasps his hands and looks at Cas.

"So I’m going to get you some t-shirt to sleep and I call dibs on shower."

Dean gets it as a clear ‘you can sleep in my bed but don’t expect sex’ and he’s okay with it.

He waits in the bedroom while Cas takes his shower. He texts Lisa, asking her if she arrived safely and how her mother is. She replies in a few minutes, saying that her mom sends him kisses. He then roams around the room, there aren't many personal things since Cas travels a lot, just a framed picture of Cas as a child with Anna and Gabriel, some posters from MoMA and the old leather bag with Cas’ letters. Dean runs his fingers over the latch, toying with the idea of finding out if Cas has ever written a letter to him. But it would be a violation of Cas' privacy and losing Cas’ trust is the last thing Dean needs right now. So he leaves the bag alone and sits on the bed, he looks out of the window. Cas is taking his time and Dean’s bored. He opens the first drawer of the bedside table and bites his lip. There are tubes of lube (some of them are small, probably samples, they can fit into a pocket. Dean takes one and stuffs it into his jeans) and several sex toys. He closes the drawer, his heart already beats a bit faster and he can feel warmth pooling in his belly. He’s quite sure he’s not having sex tonight so imagining Cas using these toys on him is a terrible idea. He takes a deep breath and texts Lisa again, wishing her sweet dreams. It helps.

Cas finally comes from the bathroom, wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt with a washed out picture of Captain America. When Dean passes him he can feel the warmth of his body.

"I tried to leave you some hot water." Dean wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him closer. His hair is damp and smells of shampoo,. Dean presses a kiss on his temple.

"Thank you.," he says softly. It’s not just a thank you for hot water, it’s a thank you for forgiving me, thank you for giving me another chance, thank you for letting me stay.

When Dean comes from the bathroom, Cas is snuggled in bed and it seems he’s already asleep. Dean lies next to him carefully, he doesn’t want to wake him even though he'd hoped for a good night kiss at least. When he lays his head on a pillow and sighs, Cas nuzzles close to him. Dean smiles and wraps his arms around him, pulling him to his chest. One of his palms slides under Cas' shirt, on the small of his back. Cas’ skin is smooth and hot and his body firm and it fits perfectly against Dean’s. Their hearts are so close and Dean is sure they beat in unison. His chest feels suddenly too small for all the emotions that are filling it. And he knows this is it, this is what he was so scared of, losing himself in another person. But it’s too late now, he’s drowning and it feels awesome. He lets out a shaky laugh when Cas presses a soft kiss on his Adam’s apple.

"Oh god, I was so scared I would never have this again.,"  his throat feels constricted when he says it. Cas doesn’t reply, he just kisses him and it’s the best possible answer. It’s needy and comforting at the same time and Dean is glad they don’t talk because he’s afraid his voice might betray him. Cas runs his fingers through Dean’s hair and their eyes connect. Even in the dim light Cas’ eyes are gorgeous, so pure, so sincere.

Dean trails the pad of his thumb slowly along Cas’ eyebrow, over his temple and cheekbone, then over his bottom lip. He hisses softly when Cas sucks the tip of his finger inside his mouth. Dean presses against his teeth, forcing him to open his mouth, and then he kisses him, his thumb still on his lower lip so their tongues touch before their lips can. It’s so hot it makes Cas moan. When Dean pulls away, Cas’ eyes are shut, he’s breathing heavily. Dean rubs little soothing circles on the back of his neck. He’s surprised when Cas speaks.

"What made you come here?" For a moment Dean doesn’t understand what he’s talking about.

"You mean back to you? Besides the fact that my life was hell without you?" Cas nods and opens his eyes and Dean can see it in his face, he can see that Cas was hurt, that he suffered without Dean as much as Dean suffered without him, maybe even more.  He wants to apologize, he wants to keep apologizing until there’s no air in his lungs, but he knows it wouldn’t change anything. His heart aches, he hates himself for hurting Cas. He wants to swear he will never hurt him again, but he can’t because it’s what he does,: he hurts people he loves. Yeah, he loves Cas, and he won’t say it out loud, but he knows it as surely as he knows the sun rises in the east. He swallows around a lump in his throat. "I’ve met someone,."  he answers finally and Cas frowns.

"Benny, I met him in a bar. He was a sailor."

"Was he hot?" Cas tries to sound casual but the way his body tenses in Dean’s arms gives him away. 

A smile tugs at corners of Dean’s mouth.

"Yeah, he was hot. He flirted with me and we got in fight with some homophobic pricks."

"I don’t like him." Cas’ frown deepens. 

 "Are you jealous?"

"No, he sounds like… I bet he was a criminal. And he got you into a fight."

Dean laughs. "I realized how much I missed you thanks to him. And he told me something that made me think about what I really want."

"I still don’t like him." Cas pouts which is adorable and Dean can’t but kiss the sulky expression away from his face.

"I wanted to run away, to Europe." Cas says when Dean lets him breathe again.

"I’m glad you didn’t."

"Yeah, so am I." Cas hides his face in the crook of Dean’s neck, his breath tickling Dean’s skin. They lie there, limbs entwined, chests pressed together, rising with slow synchronized breaths.

Neither of them wants to fall asleep, to let go of this moment. Dean presses soft kisses into Cas’ hair and Cas nibbles on Dean’s neck. They whisper each other’s names as if they were the most powerful spells in the world, until the sleepiness defeats them.  


	17. Chapter 17

**There is a design, an alignment to cry**   
**Of my heart to see,**   
**The beauty of love as it was made to be**

Dean wakes up in an empty bed. He looks at Cas’ alarm clock to see it’s 10am. He groans and goes to the bathroom, he brushes his teeth using the same toothbrush Cas gave him the first night he spent here. Something moves under Dean’s breast bone when he sees it waiting here for him. He changes into his own jeans but he keeps Cas’ t-shirt. For some reason he likes to wear Cas' clothes even though they’re a little bit too tight for him. 

Cas is in the living room, he’s kneeling on the floor, bending over a huge rectangle of painting canvas- it has to be at least five feet in width. He’s wearing worn-out jeans that hang low on his hips and an old ACDC shirt that Dean gave him ages ago. There are tubes of paint scattered all around him and when he turns to smile at Dean, his hands are stained with paint.

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty. There’s fresh coffee in the kitchen. You can take whatever you find there for breakfast."

"What are you doing?" Dean asks even though the answer is pretty obvious.

"Gabe bought me some art supplies, he thought it would help me if I  picked up painting again, but I wasn’t in the right mood until now."

Dean smiles and reaches down to cup. the back of Cas’ neck, he pulls him up and kisses him on the lips.

He pours himself some coffee and grabs a bowl of cereal, and then he watches Cas from the breakfast aisle. He watches him smear the colors over the canvas with swift movements; the muscles on his back and arms are dancing under his skin, and sometimes he drops a brush and uses his fingers instead. It looks very sensual and it makes Dean’s heart flutter. When Cas sweeps his hair off his forehead and his fingers leave a spot of paint there, Dean comes to kneel beside him. He rubs the paint away with his thumb. "You look so hot like this,"  he whispers and kisses Cas deeply. Cas smiles and rubs his clear shaven cheek against Dean’s stubbled one.

"Wanna help me?" he purrs.

"I can’t paint."

"Come on, it’s abstract, everybody can do that.," Cas' voice is a low rumble and it makes it impossible for Dean to refuse him anything. He closes his eyes and nods. Cas nips at Dean’s jawline.

Dean dips his forefinger in cobalt blue and rubs the thick substance between his fingers. He grins and smears it over Cas’ cheek, his move too quick for Cas to defend himself. He huffs out a laugh and smacks Dean’s shoulder.

"Behave, you fucker, or I will lock you in the bedroom."

Dean cocks an eyebrow and Cas chuckles. "You are like a child," he shakes his head with an amused smile on his lips.

Dean takes more paint on his fingertips, than he pauses again.

"I don’t know what to do."

"Just touch the canvas with your fingers, there’s nothing difficult about it."

"But I don’t want to ruin it."

"You won’t," Cas assures but Dean still doesn’t move, he’s looking at the canvas with desperate expression and paint covered hand in the air.

"Oh, come on, I will help you." Cas grabs Dean's wrist and drags it to the clean part of the canvas. He uses Dean’s fingers as a brush. The canvas is rough under Dean’s skin but it feels good, it’s nice to see the trace his hand leaves.

It doesn’t take long for Dean to get lost in it. They paint in silence, each of them on one side of the canvas. Sometimes they meet in the middle and their hands touch gently, they share slow kisses bent over the painting and from time to time one of them just stops to watch the other one work. 

 

Dean stands behind Cas, taking a break, sipping beer from a bottle. The painting is almost done. One part is covered with red and orange swirls with touches of yellow and black, it looks like wide flames. The other half is in many shades of blue and white, it looks soft and airy like clouds. Right now Cas is working on the middle part, where the two realms meet. There are two hands, one reaching from flames, the other from clouds. They grip each other tightly. What Dean likes the most is that it can’t be told if it’s an act of raising or dragging down. 

"Do you really have to stare at my ass?"

"Yeah, it’s a nice ass, I like it."

Cas chuckles but he continues painting. His shirt rides up his hips and reveals the small of his back.

Dean leaves the bottle on the windowsill and gets behind Cas. He gets some paint on his fingers and wraps his left arm around Cas’ waist to hold him still. Then he touches Cas skin with his wet fingers and the other man makes a surprised sound.

"What are you doing?"

"Just hold still." Dean tells him softly and writes on his back four letters. It tickles and makes Cas squirm in his grip. 

"What was it? What did you write?" Cas asks, eyes wide and curious. He looks much younger like that.

"I’m not telling," Dean shakes his head and kisses Cas’ neck. Cas snorts and pulls Dean closer, kissing him deeply, Dean grips his hips and drags him onto his lap. Cas’ hands slide under Dean’s shirt gliding over the muscles of Dean’s back then coming to his chest, pushing the fabric out of the way so Cas can suck on Dean’s nipples. Dean moans, throwing his head back revealing his throat for Cas to kiss. Cas shifts in his lap, the friction makes Dean’s cock harden even more, and he fastens his grip on Cas hips and grinds their crotches together. Cas groans and pushes Dean on his back, he rubs the sides of Dean’s body, fingers digging into his skin, he drags his lips and tongue over Dean’s collar bones, his chest, his nipples. His hips are moving slowly, making slow circles against the bulge in Dean’s pants, driving the man crazy. He wants to reach for Cas, grip his ass and make him move faster, rip his pants off so they can touch skin on skin, but he realizes his wrists are pressed to the floor by Cas’ strong hands.

"Cas, please," he moans and arches his back. Cas hums against Dean’s neck. "I didn’t hear you. You need to repeat it." Dean squeezes his eyes shut.

"You fucker,"  he hisses and Cas moves again on his lap, making him moan desperately.

"Please! Please, Cas! PLEASE!" He’s silenced by Cas’ tongue in his mouth, his hands are finally free so he can wrap them around Cas’ body. Cas leaves him breathless and straightens himself up on his knees. When he unbuttons his jeans and pulls them down, Dean’s breath hitches at the sight of Cas’ cock, arching up to his belly, head glistening with precome. He doesn’t wait for permission and sucks the head into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. Cas gasps and grips the hair at the back of Dean’s head. Dean takes him as deep as the uncomfortable position allows him. He looks perfect, eyes half closed, plump lips around Cas’ cock.  _Those lips were made to suck cock_ , Cas thinks and moans when Dean’s hand starts to play with his balls. It doesn’t take long before the pain in his neck makes Dean pull away, a strand of saliva lingers on his lips, connecting him with Cas' dick untill he licks his lips. Cas wishes he could remember this sight forever. Dean looks up at him, eyes bright and beautiful. "Come on Cas, I need you."

Cas nods and kisses him again, he starts to strip him off his pants when he pauses. "I don’t have anything..."

Dean grunts with disappointment, but then he remembers something. "Pocket, my pocket!"

Cas frisks his pockets and finds the small package of lube Dean had stolen from his drawer last night. He fumbles with it and moment later Dean hisses when he feels the cold wetness at his entrance. He lifts his hips to grant Cas better access. When Cas pushes one long finger in, Dean lets out a shaky breath, he almost forgot how good this feels.

"Oh fuck, Dean," Cas voice is husky, his eyes dark with lust. He works Dean open, stroking his thigh and hip with his free hand, making the younger man moan and writhe on the floor.

"Are you okay?" he asks when he’s three fingers deep inside Dean and Dean’s moans change into whimpers. 

"Yes, I just... I need more. Please. Fuck me already. I need... I want your cock."

Cas huffs out a laugher, he loves Dean needy and he loves to give him what he wants.

They groan in unison when Cas slowly pushes inside, Dean lifts his hips to meet him halfway crying out "Castiel!"

The use of his full name robs Cas of all remains of his self control. He pounds into Dean mercilessly. It’s been quite some time since Dean has been fucked, his body isn’t used to it so the sensation is on the verge of pain but he loves it.

The tension in his abdomen builds up fast and soon he’s desperate for release, he reaches for his cock that’s leaking precome on his stomach, but at the same time Cas pulls out. Dean whines, he motherfucking whines because the feeling of emptiness is unbearable. He’s ready to protest but Cas kisses him, then he feels his hands on his hips and Cas manhandles him to roll over and stand on his hands and knees, then he slides back in. Dean hears him breathing in short gasps right next to his ear when he moves inside him in steady pace. Cas groans against Dean’s neck and wraps his arm around Dean’s waist, reaching for Dean’s painfully hard cock. Dean moves his hips frantically, fucking himself on Cas’ cock and thrusting into his fist. He comes hard,  seeing fireworks behind his eyelids and his arms buckle. Cas strokes him through his orgasm, he doesn’t stop thrusting even though Dean is clenching around him so hard. "Cas come on! Come for me. I want you to fill me up." Dean doesn’t even believe he said it out loud, but it works. Cas buries his face in Dean’s hair and comes moaning Dean’s name.

 

They are not talking, they are not even touching, just lying on the floor, trying to catch a breath and restore mental functions. It was intense. Dean wonders if he can ever get used to it or if it will always feel the same. He also wonders how was he able to survive without it. He turns to his side and snuggles to Cas chest when he notices his own hand. It’s stained by paint, much more than he remembers.

"Oh shit!" He sits up and takes a look around them. It’s luck that Cas has carpet only in his bedroom because there’s paint almost everywhere. Of course they made some mess while painting, but then they somehow forgot about the world and the art supplies scattered around them. Some of them apparently came in their way without them even noticing it.

"Cas! We ruined the floor!" Dean groans. Cas burst into laughter. Dean is confused for a second then he realizes that Cas has colorful stains all over him and Dean must look the same, he smiles and pulls Cas in a kiss.

"Screw the floor but we should take a shower."

They strip each other off their clothes which are ruined. Of course they managed to get the paint UNDER their clothes too. 

"Wow," Dean breathes out when he pulls Cas shirt over his head and sees his back.

"What?" Cas asks and turns around like a dog chasing its own tail. Dean positions him with his back to the mirror, Cas turns just his head and gasps. They are just fingerprints, just traces of Dean’s fingers accidentally covered with paint gliding over Cas’ back. But the lines start between his shoulderblades and go up to his shoulders, opening like a fan. They are in bright blue. They look like wings. And under them, on the small of Cas’ back, four simple letters Dean’s written there: M-I-N-E 

"Cas? You should breathe, it’s just..." He can’t finish, Cas’ mouth is in the way, lips pressed to his, tongue sliding between them. He pulls Dean close, crushing their chests together. Dean chuckles into the kiss and runs his fingers through Cas’ hair.

"You like my marks?" He whispers into Cas’ ear when his lover rests his cheek against Dean’s shoulder.

"Very much," he breathes out and slides his hand over Dean’s chest. "You have one of your own."

Dean looks in the mirror and doesn’t see anything, until he turns to the side. It’s on his left shoulder, bright red - perfect print of Cas’ hand. He smiles and presses a soft kiss on Cas’ forehead. "I don’t want to wash it away."

 

They take pictures with Cas phone. Dean doesn’t even comment how girly it is, actually he’s a little bit sad that he can’t have them on his phone as well.

They spent almost a whole hour in the bathtub, scrubbing each other clean.

 

They spend the rest of the day lazing around, they order chinese and eat it in bed, naked.

"Tell me a secret,"  says Dean as he kisses Cas’ ribs.

"What?" Cas squeaks and pushes him away, but Dean continues tickling him. "No! No! Get your hands away from me!" Cas shouts and tries to flee from the bed, but Dean grips his ankle and drags him back, biting at his hip bone, tickling him with his scruff.

"I hate you!" Cas tugs at Dean’s hair, which the other man takes as an invitation for a kiss, but Cas takes him by surprise and rolls them over. He bite Dean’s nipple and digs his fingers between Dean’s ribs, making him squirm and chuckle. "You vengeful fucker!"

They wrestle for a while and end up making out.

 

Dean sweeps Cas’ hair from his forehead.

"I asked you to tell me a secret."

"Why?"

"I don’t know. We have a sleep over, we painted together, we can do other girly things like sharing secrets."

"I don’t have a secret."

"Oh come on, everybody has some secrets."

"I always told you everything. There’s nothing you don’t know about me. The only secret were my feelings for you and that’s out now," Cas smiles and presses a soft kiss over Dean’s heart. "And I’m quite sure that I know everything about you."

"No, you don’t!"

"Yeah I do! For example I know you have slept with my sister!"

"No!"

"Dean," Cas rolls his eyes.

"It was just once! before she left for Europe!"

"I know Dean! You don’t have to defend yourself."

"Uhm... okay. But how the fuck do you know about it? Did she...  did Anna  tell you?"

"Oh no! Gabe did. He reads her diary."

Dean snorts. "Of course he does. Bastard."

"So, is there anything else you think I don’t know about you?"

"Rhonda Hurley."

"She made you wear her pink satiny panties and you liked it." Dean stares at him with mouth gaping.

"H... how?"

"You told me."

"No I didn’t!"

"Yes, you did. You were pretty hammered, so it’s no surprise you don’t remember."

"Oh fuck," Dean laughs and rubs his temples.

"Actually when you told me... that night... was the first time I jerked off imagining you."

Dean looks at him, even though his face is turned away, Dean can see that he’s blushing, the tips of his ears are bright red.  "Really?"

"Uhm..." Cas rubs the back of his neck.

"I think that counts as a secret." Dean pulls him into a hug. "And I love it," he mumbles against his shoulder.

They both doze off, warm and comfortable with their bodies pressed together.

 

When Dean wakes up, he feels the hard line of Cas’ erection pressed against his thight. He shifts, rubbing his ass against Cas’ crotch, making him groan. Dean makes a purring sound deep in his chest when he feels Cas warm soft hand on his hip, it travels between his legs. Cas strokes him slowly, kissing his neck and shoulders. Dean moans and reaches behind himself, grabbing Cas’ ass, urging him closer.

They fuck lazily, still spooning. They barely move, making it last for what seems like a painfully pleasant eternity.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter, but I hope you will like the fluff. Enjoy the happy moments, they won´t last for much longer. You might have noticed that I filled in the number of chapters, the story is still not finished but it will be soon.

**Love; it will not betray you**   
**Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free**   
**Be more like the man you were made to be**

On Sunday Dean bakes a pie. Cas' presence in the kitchen proves to be very distracting so he chases him off. Cas tries to scrub the floor in the living room clean and gives up, announcing he wanted to buy a rug anyway. It all feels oddly domestic. They don’t interact directly but they are here together and it makes Dean feel warm inside. It reminds him of the years they spent like this, when they went to college.

When they met, Dean was in his last year of high school, considering dropping out. John wasn’t around and he brought less and less money much less often, so Dean had to get a job at the Roadhouse to take care of Sammy. It was hard to keep up his grades, spending 8 hours tending a bar every day right after school. But then he met Cas, the awkward sophomore working at the local bookstore. He offered to tutor Dean and hey, he would have been stupid not to accept. He still didn’t have much time so Cas had to visit him at the Roadhouse or at home between school and work. He would test him while Dean would fix them something to eat. There was something between them that made everything easy and natural, they clicked right from the beginning. Dean soon realized Cas was avoiding his family, who apparently didn’t approve of his life choices. When Dean graduated, they celebrated together, best friends already. Cas convinced him to apply for college. Dean didn’t want to, he'd barely finished high school only thanks to Cas’ help, but Cas insisted and it seemed like a good thing - Sammy was proud and John was surprised which was good enough.

It was that summer when Cas came up with the idea that he was already spending a lot of time in their house (the one where Sam lives now) so he might as well pay rent. Dean agreed only reluctantly, insisting that Cas should get his own bed. They moved Sam to John’s bedroom and Dean shared his room with Cas. Only, when John came home (which was less and less frequently) they had to pretend Cas was only visiting them.

It went well like this, and with shared money, Dean could cut off his shifts at the Roadhause and have more time for school. Cas helped Sam get into Stanford. Of course then everything got fucked up, John got himself killed and Sam started to do drugs, but these times when the three of them played house together were good, one of the best parts of Dean’s life actually. They were so close...not the way they are now but maybe they were always meant to be like this.

Dean thinks about it while they sit on the couch and watch cartoons. Cas is huddled in Dean’s lap and Dean plays with his hair absentmindedly. Cas turns to look at him and smiles sweetly, and Dean places a soft kiss on his forehead. "Do you want another round before I have to go?" he asks and Cas’ smile stretches into a grin.

It’s probably the longest foreplay of Dean’s life. They touch each other as if it will be the last time they see each other, as if they're trying to memorize each other’s body, counting freckles, vertebrae, ribs and knuckles and joints. Breathing in scents and tasting every inch of skin, whispering sweet nonsense and writing confessions on each other’s skin with fingers and lips and tongues.

When Cas reaches for the lube in the bedstand drawers, he grabs something else too but he doesn’t show it to Dean, who’s too focused on Cas’ body to care about anything else.

They fuck slow and gentle, and every time Dean feels he’s close, Cas slows down or changes position, making it last as long as possible. Before Dean finally reaches his climax, his whole body thrums with pleasure, electric sparkles runs from the middle of his body to the tips of his toes and then he’s falling down, reaching a state of weightlessness for a moment. His blissed out expresion is what pushes Cas over the edge. He collapses on top of Dean, breathing heavily, muscles trembling. Dean runs his fingers through his hair damp with sweat and Cas hums contently. They are still connected when he shows Dean the object he grabbed from the bed stand.

"What’s that?"

"That’s a plug."

"Plug like... ?"

"Yeah. I thought," Cas hesitates, not sure if it’s a good idea to suggest this, he doesn’t dare to look at Dean when he continues, "it will keep my come in you so you could... take me home with you," he bites his lips and looks at Dean.

"You kinky bastard," he breathes out.

"Do you want it?" Cas sounds more hopeful than he wanted. Dean considers it for a moment. It’s weird, he doesn’t know why he should want such thing but... he does. Besides, he's loved everything Cas suggested so far, so he trusts him. He nods and Cas kisses him as a reward.

He replaces himself with the plug and Dean let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. It is weird, but interesting. It makes him feel full, not as much as Cas does, but still. He clenches around it an makes a small moaning sound.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah...yeah it’s okay, it feels weird, but not bad."

Cas cleans him up and helps him get dressed. Dean lets him because it’s a good opportunity to touch him and he wants to touch him as much as possible before he has to go.

"I will call you," he promisses in between kisses. Cas nods and smiles, but it’s forced, there’s sadness in his eyes. Dean hates it, he wishes he could make it disappear so he kisses him again.

The journey home is hell. The plug itself isn’t so much a problem as the thoughts it provokes - thoughts about Cas, about Cas’ cock, about Cas fucking him. Dean can barely focus on driving.

When he comes home he’s painfuly hard, but he doesn’t do anything about it, he actually enjoys the sweet torture. He makes sure the house is clean, then he cooks dinner because Lisa will come home hungry. He sends her a text and finds out she will be home in two hours.

He locks himself in the bathroom even though he knows no one will come and gets naked. He touches the plug gently and hisses. He pulls it out with a grunt, bending over the basin. He chuckles, he doesn’t even know why. He wishes Cas was here, it would feel much better if he could watch him. He slides one finger inside himself, he’s loose and slick, slick with Cas’come. The thought does crazy things to him. He adds second finger, his moans echoing in the small tiled room. He looks up and sees himself in a mirror, cheeks flushed, eyes wide and dark. He grabs his cock and and starts pumping fast, his moves frantic and staggering as he’s using his left hand. He fucks himself with his fingers, desperately reaching for release, he’s bent over the basin, sweaty forehead resting against the mirror. He comes with a grunt, painting his hand and the basin white. He colapses on the floor, unable to catch breath, hands shaking. He lets his head fall back over the edge of a bath tub and laughs.

 "Oh Cas, what have you done to me!"

He takes a long hot shower, singing ACDC and making shampoo beard and mohawk. He might be a grown-up man but that’s simply what you do when you are home alone, right?

When he leaves the bathroom he thinks of the best place to hide the plug. He decides for the drawer where his gun is, Lisa won’t go there for any cost, she hates guns. He wants to texts Cas but has no idea what to tell him to not sound like a clingy girlfriend. He lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling and the most cheesy phrases run through his head. He chooses one that sounds less stupid.

TO CAS: You do crazy things to me.

The second he sends it, he realizes that it was actually the worst one but it’s too late.

CAS: Do I?

Dean snorts when he reads the reply. That little asshole... His phone buzzes again.

CAS: Did you enjoy my "present“?

TO CAS: yes, very much. I came on my own fingers so hard I nearly blacked out

He waits for a reply, he waits too long, it makes him nervous. Maybe he shouldn’t say such things...

CAS: Thank you for this information, I choked on my tea

Dean chuckles but before he can type anything, he receives another text

CAS: I wish I could watch that

TO CAS: Me too

He deletes the messages and sighs. He shuts his eyes just for a minute and when he opens them again he hears the front door opening. He runs the stairs to greet his wife.

"Hey!" he hugs her and kisses her forehead. "How have you been? How’s your mother?"

"She’s good, her knee bothers her. She sent you a pie."

"Awesome!" Dean shouts and helps Lisa with her bag.

"I made stew, do you want some?"

"Oh yes! I’m starving!"

He prepares the dinner while she takes a quick shower. He’s happy. He shouldn’t be, he knows that. He should feel weird and guilty and maybe scared that his wife will find out what he’s been doing in her absence. But he’s happy. Cas forgave him and they spent an awesome weekend and now he’s with his wife who brought him pie. And he deserves to be happy just for a moment right? Even though the happiness has rotten roots and will eventually collapse.

"So how have you been?" she asks when they sit together at kitchen table, stuffing their mouths with Dean’s delicious stew.

"I fixed it with Cas."

"Oh really? That’s fantastic!"

"Yeah we went out for dinner and a movie."

"Wow! Sounds good. Why you never take me to dinner and a movie?"

"I should! Next Saturday?"

"Okay!" She nods with that bright smile of her that makes his heart flutter, he married her for that smile.


	19. Chapter 19

**In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die  
And where you invest your love, you invest your life**

 

He does as he promised and they spend a nice night out. They eat in a nice restaurant and watch some rom-com that isn´t terrible and then have some fancy cocktails - Lisa´s so cute when she´s tipsy, they also have amazing sex. Two days later Dean is in Cas´ apartment again.

"I brought cheeseburgers and cinnamon rolls," he says as he gives Cas two paper bags and kisses him, "and I brought you the plug you lent me." Cas nods and waits for Dean to give it to him but the other man just cocks one eyebrow. The realization hits Cas and he gasps. "Dean?"

"Do you want to take it back right now?"

"Fuck yeah!" He grasps the lapels of Dean´s jacket and yanks him closer kissing him almost violently. He fucks him bent over the back of the couch, then they eat burgers and watch tv.

And that´s how it goes. Dean tries to distribute his time and attention between Cas and Lisa. Officially he goes every Tuesday and Friday to the gym with Cas right after work. Sometimes they actually go to the gym but mostly they do other type of "exercise" and sometimes they just hang out. He buys Lisa flowers and Cas books or CDs. They both seem happy so Dean is happy. He´s so happy that he´s reckless. He doesn´t notice that Lisa watches him when he texts Cas and smiles. He doesn´t know that she checks his phone. Of course he deletes Cas´ messages but sometimes it´s hard when Cas sends him something too sweet or too hot. So he makes a password protected folder where he stores such texts. He doesn´t realize that having a password protected folder on your phone has the same effect as wearing a huge sign saying I have a secret stuck to your forehead. No, Dean´s too happy, too blissed out to realize such things. He thinks everything is alright and he´s not the one who finds out it´s just an illusion.

* * *

 

They are going to spend a weekend at a small cottage by a lake where John used to take his boys in better times. Cas is waiting for Dean in front of their house when Lisa approaches him.

"Hey, Cas."

"Hello Lisa, thanks for all the food you prepared for us, it´s very kind of you."

"No problem, Cas. Are you as excited as Dean? He couldn´t wait."

"I´m not sure if I´m as excited as Dean, he´s like a five year old on Christmas morning." Lisa giggles but when she stops, she looks serious, even sad.

"Is something wrong, Lisa? If you don´t want him to go i I will talk to him."

"No that´s not... that´s not what bothers me."

"So what is it?"

"I... I think Dean is cheating on me."

"What?" Cas chokes out, he´s sure his heart just stopped.

"It´s the way he acts, he´s so different! He even brings me flowers! And he tells me he has to stay at work late but he´s not there, I talked to his boss! Cas, please, if you know something, you have to tell me! I know you are his friend and he wants you to cover him, but please, please, Cas, I need to know!" Her voice is breaking and her eyes are glistering with tears. Castiel stares at her, unable to speak, actually he´s quite sure he´s having a stroke right now. She grabs his shoulder. "Cas! Please tell me. Is there another woman?"

"No, Lisa, there´s not another woman," he hears himself say, voice rough.

"But you would tell me, right?"

"Dean loves you, Lisa, you don´t have worry."  He doesn´t know how he managed to say it, but he knows it is the worst thing he has ever done. Lisa sniffs and nods. "Thank you, Cas."

"I will wait for Dean in the Impala."

"Okay, enjoy the weekend Cas."

When he sits in the car and shuts the door his mind finally catches up on what just happened. It´s the worst thing that he could imagine. He feels sick, his stomach is churning, his bones ache. He lied to her! He looked her in the eyes and lied! Well, not technically, but that doesn´t matter. He should have told her! And he has to at least tell Dean, so he can tell her. Or at least be more careful. But what if he decides to end it with Cas? What if he chooses Lisa? No, he can´t let that happen, not now, it´s gone too far, he is too far gone, too addicted to the little happiness he has stolen from Dean´s wife. He knows they will rip it from his hands eventually but not now, he can´t let it happen right now. So when Dean comes and asks if he´s okay, he nods even though he still feels like he might puke any minute.

 He forgets about it soon, well, at least he pretends to forget. The weekend at the cottage is nearly perfect. They fish (actually Dean fishes and Cas sits beside him, sips coffee and reads), they fuck, they lie on the ground and count stars. They do everything a normal couple would do and Cas is happy, he really is. Even though he knows the weekend will end and he will go home alone while Dean will return to his wife. He managed to convince himself he doesn´t mind, that it´s okay this way. Some time ago he saw a documentary about people who have worms in their arms or legs that eat them alive, but those people don´t mind, they actually grow very fond of their worms. Castiel is like one of them and Dean is his can of worms. 

He knows he will never be the first priority in Dean´s life and it hurts. He admits this only when he´s alone and has too much time on his hands so he tries to keep himself occupied. He paints a lot, he works and reads, he calls Gabe regularly and he even visited his mother and Anna once (which wasn´t a pleasant event, but it definitely kept his mind away from his love life). Sometimes he even tells himself that he actually enjoys the thrill of forbidden love - when he sneaks into Dean´s office, or when they have a quickie on the backseat of the Impala.

 

* * *

 

It´s late when the phone rings, Dean´s lying on the couch, with Lisa half asleep in his arms. He reaches for the phone and she moans sleepily, stirring on his lap. Dean  frowns at the caller ID. Castiel never calls without checking if Dean´s alone. It must be an emergency. "Sorry, baby," he mutters and leaves her on the couch.

"What´s wrong?"

"Dean?" Castiel sounds terrible. Dean´s stomach ties itself into knots.

"I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have called, I just... I don´t know what to do."

"Cas, Cas, calm down and tell me, what happened?"

"My boss... I got sacked... he wanted me... but I... it was terrible, terrible, I can´t believe this happened! I have to leave this apartment before Monday. I don´t know what to do, Dean," Cas sighs, it sounds almost like a sob.  "And I think my wrist is broken."

"What? Cas... hold on, I will be there in 30 minutes."

"No, Dean, you don´t have to."

"Yes, I do! Just try to calm down, I´ll be right there." He hangs up and looks at Lisa who stares at him alarmed.

"What´s going on?"

"Cas... he´s in trouble, he might be injured. I need to get to him."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Just drive safely and call me in the morning okay?"

"Okay. I love you," he kisses her temple and she smiles. "I hope he will be alright."

"Yeah, he will, don´t worry. Bye, darling."

 

"Holy shit, what happened!"

"Dean you really didn´t have to..."

"Shut the fuck up, of course I had to, come here." He pulls him into a hug and rubs his back. Cas relaxes in his arms and sighs. He trembles slightly.

"Okay, baby, let´s sit down and you can tell me what happened." Cas nods and leads him to the couch.

"Do you have some ice?" Cas touches his split lip.

"It´s okay."

"No it´s not okay. Stop playing tough and let me take care of you."

Cas slumps on the couch and shuts his eyes. "Okay, Dean."

Dean brings him something frozen and indefinable and some gauze.

"Will you finally tell me what the fuck happened?" Dean asks as he bandages Cas´ wrist, which proves to not be broken.

"My boss, Crowley, came to town, I showed him the exhibition and then he invited me for dinner." He takes a deep breath to steady his voice. "We were talking business, then he... he told me he will fire me if I don´t have sex with him."

"Son of a bitch! How dare he? I´ll skin him alive! I want his balls on a plate!"

"Dean, Dean, calm down, please." He grabs Dean´s hand with his injured one and hisses in pain, which brings Dean back to senses. He sits down and takes a deep breath.

"What... what have you done?"

Cas bows his head, then looks up bashfully. "I punched him"

"You what? Cas!" Dean chuckles and wraps his arms around him, hugging him tightly.

"It turned out to be a bad idea to punch someone who has bodyguards."

Dean knows he shouldn´t laugh, but it´s incredibly endearing how abashed Cas is about it even though it´s actually pretty badass.

"Cas, you poor asshole," he cups his face and kisses him, just a hard but chaste press of lips. Cas lets out a relieved laughter and snuggles against Dean´s chest.

"Dean? I don´t know what to do. Where will I live? Where will I find a job? I don´t want to leave Kansas."

"You won´t have to, we´ll find you an apartment here. We´ll call Sam tomorrow, he might know something. And he might have some lawyer´s advice. I bet Crowley can´t just do that. And you will find a job, Cas. You are awesome. You can teach, you told me you would like that."

Cas nods and opens his mouth to say something but Dean presses his forefinger against his lips.

"You´ll be okay, Cas. I´ll take care of you." He kisses him, licking his lips . Cas moans when his lower lip starts bleeding again and Dean kisses the blood away, it´s strange to taste Cas´ blood but it´s kind of arousing. Dean rakes his fingers through Cas hair, tilting his head so he can make the kiss deeper. He feels Cas´ hands on his hips, then he´s suddenly sitting in Cas´ lap with his knees on both sides of Cas´ body, he feels the bulge in Cas´ pants and moves his hips to press his own erection against it. Cas groans and digs his fingers into the flesh of Dean´s shoulders. They are pressed so close to each other that they can feel each other´s heart beat, their lips hardly ever part, palms find their way under clothes to touch hot skin. Cas yanks at Dean´s belt but he slaps his hand away. "Let me take care of it," he whispers against the shell of Cas´ ear and unbuckles his belt himself. Cas lies back on the couch and watches him while Dean gets out of his pants and underwear, then he gets rid of Cas´, when he´s done he slides his hands under Cas back and pulls him up again, he strips him of his shirt and Cas tries to help with his, but get´s slapped on his good hand.

"You have a seriously wasted porn potential," Cas remarks when he watches Dean pull his shirt over his head and toss it on the floor. Dean grins and presses himself against Cas, their lips connecting. This time it´s skin on skin and draws a moan from both of them.

Dean places his two fingers on Cas´lips and when the other man opens his mouth, he pushes them slowly in. Cas sucks on them the way that makes Dean´s mind short-circuit. When Cas finally lets go of his hand, Dean reaches behind himself and pushes his spit-slit fingers against his hole. Cas´ breath hitches and his eyes go wide, he watches Dean prepare himself with hungry expresion, lips parted with fascination, eyes wide with lust.

"Like what you see?" Dean chokes out, fucking himself with his fingers. Cas nods speechless and Dean chuckles, the laughter breaks into a moan and Cas snaps out of his dumbstruck state. He kisses Dean breathless, than he whispers against his lips.

"You are so good to me Dean, making yourself open for me."

Dean gives him a cheshire grin "I´m gonna show you how good I am, cowboy." Cas throws his head back and groans loudly and Dean takes the opportunity to bite on his bared throat.

Dean feels Cas´ good hand sliding over his hip, kneading his ass, then Cas´ pushes his finger  along Dean´s own fingers that are sliding slowly in and out of his hole. Dean hisses but lowers himself, taking their fingers deeper, stretching himself.

"Dean!" Cas moans into the crook of Dean´s neck.

"Yeah, give me a sec baby," Dean mumbles. He knows there´s a tube of lube in a drawer of a coffeetable, he reaches for it, not falling from the couch thanks to Cas´ arms wraped around his waist. When he looks back at his lover, Cas yanks him closer and kisses him deeply as if to compensate the moment when he didn´t have Dean´s full attention. Dean looks him in the eyes and strokes his cheekbone. "It´s okay, baby, everything will be alright." He kisses him again, then coats his cock with lube.

When he lowers himself on Cas´ cock, it´s in one slow but smooth movement. His fingers tighten on the other man's back and a moan escapes his lips. This is Cas. Cas, who took a beating from his boss' bodyguards essentially for him. Who is below him now, warm and flowing and beautiful and his, and the feeling washes over his body in waves of pleasure.

Cas' fingers creep up his legs and slowly inch towards his cock. Dean moans again when they find it, stroking in the way Cas knows will move Dean into euphoria.

"Cas," Dean breathes, because now Cas'  hand has moved around his cock and it seem to be everywhere at once, and the sensation coupled with Cas filling him is extraordinary. He moves his hips, eliciting a low guttural sound from Cas. Cas, right, this is about Cas, he wants to make it good for him. He presses his lips against Cas´ neck and starts to move, just a small slow movements of hips that allow him to feel every inch of Cas inside him. Is His back muscles dance under Cas´ hands, his cock is now pressed between them, rubbing against Cas´ belly, his eyes are shut and he makes the softest sounds of pleasure. He´s driving Cas crazy. He´s surrounding him entirely and Castiel wants to get lost in him, in the heat of his body, in the brightness of his soul.

Dean's eyes slide half open, just a patch of stunning green shining below his perfect eyelids, and he sees Cas, looking at him like he doesn't want to see anything else. Dean feels exactly the same and it's beautiful to see the same devotion he´s feeling in those incredible pools of radiance that are his to watch, his alone.

"Dean," Cas whispers, but the rest of the confession refuses to leave his mouth. He´s too scared of Dean´s reaction. After all he´s always been a coward, maybe not when it comes to dickheaded bosses but when it comes to emotions, he´s always been a coward.

"Dean I," but with Dean he doesn´t have to finish the sentence, not with Dean who knows him like nobody else does, not with Dean who nods, not moving his eyes from Cas´.

"I know," he whispers and it´s enough, it´s all Castiel needed to hear. Dean presses himself closer, wrapping his arms around Cas in a tight hug, he brushes his lips against the shell of Cas´ ear. "I know."

Cas chokes out a short laugh that´s cut off by Dean´s lips. The kiss starts soft, caressing, then Cas fists his hand in Dean´s hair and Dean starts to move again, then the kiss changes into something frantic, desperate and full of passion - a dance of tongues, nipping at lips and moaning into each other´s mouth. Cas has his strong arms wrapped tightly around Dean´s waist, he thrusts up, keeping up with Dean´s rhythm that´s growing faster. Their bodies are slick with sweat and they are both panting.

Cas´ breath starts to hitch, he´s clutching at Dean´s shoulder, his muscles are trembling with tension, he´s close, so close.

"Let go baby, let go, I’ve got you," Dean presses a kiss on Cas´ temple. Cas´ body convulses below him and he feels warmth filling him up. He doesn´t stop moving, riding Cas through his orgasm, stroking his own cock. Cas´ hand joins his, when the man comes down from his high, he licks Dean´s jugular, then his lips travel down, nibbling at his collarbones and when he sucks on Dean´s nipple, he sends him right over the edge. Dean throws his head back and cries out something unintelligible that could be profanity as much as a confession. Cas pulls him into a hug and holds him until his breath calms down.

They use Cas´ shirt to clean themselves up, both too spent to make it to the bathroom. They stay cuddling and kissing on the couch until sleep claims them, Cas curled on Dean´s chest, their legs intertwined.

Dean wakes up in the wee hours of the morning. He tries to move without waking up Cas but without success.

"No," Cas mumbles and hugs Dean closely.

"Come on, sleepy head. I need to pee. Let me go."

"No, I´m not moving ever again."

Dean chuckles and rubs his back. "Come on, we should take a shower and move to bed, I already feel kinks in my back from sleeping here."

"You are a spoiled brat," Cas groans against Dean´s neck.

"Says somebody who just announced he´s not moving ever again."

Cas snorts, which tickles since his face is still pressed in the crook of Dean´s neck, but other than that he doesn´t move.

"Do I have to carry you?"

"You can try that."

"Okay, princess," Dean sighs and sits up with Cas in his arms, the other man makes an undignified noise and wraps his legs around Dean´s waist. It´s not easy to get up with a man nearly as tall as Dean is himself but he manages it and carries giggling Cas into the bathroom.

"Okay, we are here, get off me," Dean tries to hide his heavy breathing.

"No," Cas groans stubbornly and adjusts his position.

"I´m gonna shower you with cold water."

"No, you wouldn´t do that."

He does exactly that. Cas screams, Dean almost chokes with laughter. They fight over the showerhead which is still spouting ice cold water. They are both wide awake and shaking when Dean finally turns the temperature up. They hug under the spray of hot water, still laughing softly and then clean each other.

Cas´ bandage is soaked when they leave the shower so Dean changes it. They snuggle in the bed, huddled under the covers. They feel lightheaded and boneless.

"Thanks for coming. I felt guilty for calling but now I´m glad I did,"

"I will always come when you need me, Cas."


	20. Chapter 20

**And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways**

"Did anyone else hear what he told you?" Sam asks when they meet with him the next day. 

"Just his bodyguards."

"Hmm, so he will claim he didn’t make you that offer. I need to see your employment contract so I know if he can fire you."

"Sam, thank you but I’m not sure I want to do something about it. He’s rich, ridiculously rich, he can afford lawyers that will eat us alive. I just want to get as far from him as possible."

"Yeah, I get it Cas. And I’m sorry for what happened, Crowley is an asshole."

"Yeah. I just need to find a place to stay. He wants me to move out before Monday."

Dean pats his shoulder, careful to make it look like a friendly gesture and nothing more. "You can stay at my place till you find something good."

"Thanks Dean, but I don’t want to bother you and Lisa."

"Wait! Wait I know something!" Sam interrupts them excitedly.

"Spit it out, Sammy!"

"My friend Charlie... "

"The IT redhead?"

"Yeah, she’s moving to Europe with her girlfriend, she’s looking for someone who would stay at her apartment."

"That’s awesome! Cas! That’s perfect!"

"I will give you her number."

 

 

They make an appointment with Charlie the same day. Dean promises to go to see the apartment with Cas.

The apartment building is in a good neighbourhood closer to Dean’s work than Crowley’s apartment, which is good.

The woman who answers the door is a tall brunette in white button up shirt. She’s pretty but there’s something in her appearance that makes her intimidating, maybe it’s the way she looks at them.

"You’re not Charlie," Dean manages to say. She doesn’t answer, she turns into the apartment and shouts: "Charlie! Your boy scouts are here!" She turns back to them.

“I’m Dorothy. You must be Dean and Castiel. Come in. Apparently someone told Charlie you're supposed to bake cookies when you're offering up your apartment so she's been baking for two hours."

When they step inside, Charlie emerges from the kitchen with a huge plate of cookies.

"Hello, Dean! Nice to meet you, Cas. Cookies?"

"Are those..."

"D&D dice. Yeah! I hope they taste as good as they look, try them." Dean does, they are good. He looks at Cas, who is smiling. It seems like he likes Charlie, but who wouldn't?

The apartment is bigger than Crowley’s but darker, it’s neat but filled from floor to ceiling with merchandise and collector stuff.

"Wow! Cas! Look at this!" He stands in front of the living room wall covered with replicas of famous movie weapons from Anduril to Captain America’s shield. Cas looks up from the collection of Harry Potter figures and gasps. "I like it!"

"Charlie, will you marry me?" Dean beams at her.

"Back off baby boy, she’s mine," Dorothy grins and wraps her arm around Charlie’s shoulders.

 

They agree on terms and conditions and arrange everything important.

"I have one last condition, boys. Listen to me you two," Charlie points at Dean, then at Cas.

"No sex on the kitchen table or any other surface in the kitchen."

"What? Why do you... we are not..." Dean stutters and Charlie rolls her eyes.

"Save your breath, Dean, my gay radar doesn’t lie and you don’t have to lie to me either. I’m not telling anyone, it’s your life, I don’t care how deep in the closet you want to stay."

"I... uhm...  okay." He rubs the back of his neck, feeling terribly awkward. He looks at Cas who returns the stare, he’s hurt, pissed. Of course he is, Dean just tried to deny their relationship.

Charlie clears her throat to attract their attention. "So here are the keys, Sam has a spare set if anything happens. You have my email and phone. I won’t take a lot of things with me so I should be packed tomorrow and then you can move in."

 

It’s not so hard to move from one furnished apartment to another, they only have to pack and move Cas’ personal things. The worst are his paintings but with Sam’s help they manage to move those as well and on Sunday evening, Cas has a new home. He likes it there, it feels much more like a home than Crowley’s luxurious, but cold apartment.

Even though they don’t talk about it, Cas has been colder since their meeting with Charlie so Dean decides that for the celebration of his new apartment he will do something special.

"That’s it, the last box is unpacked. Congrats, you are officially moved," Dean announces and lies on the floor in front of the bookshelf he just filled with Castiel’s books (seriously the guy buys so many books he can’t manage to read them all).

"Yeah, it was harder than I expected. I didn’t know I managed to hoard so many things in a few weeks."

"I actually think that you have a problem and should seek professional help, buying so many books has to be a sign of insanity."

"Some people like to read, Dean."

"Yeah and some people are insane. Seriously dude, you have some books twice!"

"Because they are original editions!"

"Insane!"

"Shut your mouth!"

Dean laughs triumphantly. "We should at least have a beer to celebrate."

"Dean?" Cas sounds serious, it makes Dean’s skin crawl. Does he want to finally scold him for denying their relationship in front of Charlie?

"Thank you. For helping me."

Dean sighs with relieve. "You should thank Sam, it’s him who found you this place."

"Yeah I know, I owe him. But without you... just thank you."

"Do I deserve a kiss?" Dean rolls on his belly and grins at Cas who cringes his nose.

"I’m not sure. Wouldn’t a beer be enough?"

"You asshole!" Dean grabs Cas’ ankle and tries to drag him closer. "Come here and kiss me or I will never help you with anything ever again!"

"Oh, that would be terrible. What would I do without you? I’m so helpless without you!" The sarcasm mixes with amusement in his voice when Dean crawls on top of him.

"Yes, yes, you are! I’m the moon and the stars of your life!" Dean declares with a grin and presses a sloppy kiss on Cas’ lips.

"That you are," Cas whispers and runs his lips along Dean’s jaw line.

Dean closes his eyes. "I have something for you."

"Gift? For me? Why?"

"Because we found you a place here so you don’t have to leave and that’s a good reason to celebrate, isn’t it?"

"Hmm, and where is this mysterious gift?"

"You have to find it yourself."

"Hmm, let me see..." Cas purrs and shoves Dean’s plaid button up off  of his shoulders.

"It’s cold there," Dean says smiling. Cas’ hands find their way under his shirt and slide over Dean’s back.

"Hmm... nothing there either." Cas nibbles at his neck and his hands travel to Dean’s chest. He moans when Cas tweaks his nipple but shakes his head. "Not that I’m complaining, but this way you will never find it."

"I’m still not sure it’s not there, I think you should take your shirt off."

"As you wish," Dean grins and pulls his shirt over his head.

"Hmm nothing there," Cas observes and sucks on Dean’s collar bone.

"Told you," Dean chuckles and tugs at Cas’ head.

"Okay, okay, I’m searching," Cas mumbles and shoves his hands into the back pockets of Dean’s jeans.

"Still cold," Dean sighs.

"But I like it there," Cas beams at him and kneads his ass.

"I bet you do, but move on." Cas snorts but obeys, his palms roam over Dean’s thighs and to his pockets.

"Getting warmer," Dean announces enthusiastically but Cas frowns and runs his finger over the zipper of Dean’s pants.

"It’s hot in there," Dean breathes out and Cas looks up at him.

"Dean, if the 'gift' is your cock I swear..."

"Just play along you moron!"

Cas groans and shoves his hand under the waistband of Dean’s jeans, then he freezes. Is it... oh god, is that lace?

He looks at Dean who’s blushing.

"You said you liked the story about me and Rhonda..."

"Oh my god, Dean!" Cas breathes out and fumbles with the button of his pants, nearly ripping it off. When he finally yanks the zipper open, he gasps. Dean feels his face burning. Maybe it was a stupid idea. To be honest, he doesn’t like how the panties look on him and he’s ready to play it off as a joke. But what he likes is how they feel - the soft fabric covering his now hardening cock, the delicate lace digging softly into his hips.

"You are the second craziest person I know, but definitely my favourite," says Cas and rubs the bulge in Dean’s pretty panties. The friction of the fabric is heavenly, he throws his head back with a noise that would be embarrassing if there was anybody to care.

"I’m only as crazy as you make me," he answers, breathing heavily as Cas’ hand on his dick doesn’t stop.

"Take your pants off. I need you out of your pants right now!" Cas orders and before Dean realizes what’s happening, he’s lying on his back and lifting his hips so Cas can pull his pants down his hips and legs and then he’s mouthing at Dean’s cock through the panties and fuck, Dean just loves when Cas is this crazy for him.

He comes inside the pink satin before Cas rolls him on his belly and pushes the panties aside. It doesn’t take long for him to get hard again with Cas fucking him, mumbling praises against the back of his neck. When he comes for the second time, panties soaked with come, he’s totally spent and his head is spinning. He’s being manhandled by Cas, ends up with his head resting on Cas’ chest. Cas runs his fingers over Dean’s hip, enjoying the feeling of Dean’s skin through the lace.

"I hope you understand this was an once in a lifetime experience, and if you tell anyone I’m gonna kill you. Don’t even write it in your diary or I will have to kill your brother too."

Cas smiles and kisses Dean’s temple. "Yeah, I get it, Dean, you are a manly man who wears panties only to please the ones he love," Cas says with sarcastic smirk.

"I didn’t love Rhonda."

 

* * *

 

They are sitting in the Roadhouse, just Dean and Sammy, he wanted to thank him once more for Cas.

"So he’s settled now?"

"Yeah, he is. He even got a job. His friend, the British douchebag, offered him a job at the gallery."

"That’s great! And what about you, Dean?"

"Me? I’m happy as ever," Dean grins and clinks their bottles, then takes a swig of his beer.

"Yeah, I noticed you are. So what’s the secret?"

"What secret? Can’t I be simply happy?"

"Yeah, that’s it, Dean. You can’t. I’ve never seen you so happy, there was always something bothering you, but now? You constantly seem like you have won a lottery."

Dean frowns. "I have a beautiful wife, good job, nice house and sweetass car. It’s enough reason to be happy."

"But you have had this for years but you were never like this."

"Sam, I don’t know where you’re aiming, so just spit it out!" Dean snaps.

"Lisa thinks you’re cheating on her."

"What?" Dean chokes out, shocked, his blood freezing in his veins.

"She told Sarah who told me."

"And you believe her? What the... that’s bullshit!"

"Dean, calm down. She has good reasons. Aside from your sudden happiness, she says you spend too much time away from home, that you have text messages in your phone protected by password."

"She checked my phone?" Dean nearly jumps of his seat.

"Dean, she’s just scared. You have to talk to her, tell her there’s nobody else."

Dean stares at the table, his hands are shaking, the castle of lies and secrets is tumbling down.

"Dean?" He can’t meet his brother’s eyes.

"Dean, please tell me you’re not cheating on Lisa."

"I can’t." It’s barely audible. Sam leans over the table, closer to him.

"What? Dean!"

"She’s right, Sam! I‘m cheating on her!"

Sam’s jaw drops. "Who... who is it?"

Dean bows his head, focusing on his hands, trying to keep them steady. "Cas."

"Cas?"

"Yes, Cas! As in, my male best friend Cas!" He breathes heavily, staring daggers at his brother as if this was all his fault. It takes a few minutes for Sam to process the information.

"I didn’t know you were..."

"I’m not! I’m not, okay? It’s not men. It’s him. The way he makes me feel..."

"Okay, okay, I don’t need to know details."

"It’s not about sex, Sam. He’s... he’s my best friend. He’s the thing that has been missing in my life and yes, he makes me happy. Apparently he makes me so happy, it’s suspicious."

"You don’t love Lisa anymore?"

Dean rolls his eyes and slumps in his chair. "I do! Of course I do. That’s why it’s so fucking complicated," he runs his hand over his face and groans in frustration.

"You have to end it, Dean."

"Sam, I just told you..."

"No, Dean, stow your crap and listen to me. You have to choose. I’m not telling who you should choose and I don’t envy you that decision, because I can’t even imagine how hard it must be but you have to do it. But Lisa will find out eventually. This way you’re hurting them both, you are hurting all three of you. So please, Dean, you have to make this right before it’s too late."

Dean stares at him and wonders how it’s possible he’s so lucky to have such an amazing brother. He swallows around the lump in his throat. "You’re right. Fuck, I know you are right but how am I supposed to decide?" He rubs his temples and feels wetness under his eyelids. He’s like a romantic heroine. Sam reaches for his hand on the table and squeezes gently.

"Do you want to talk about it? It might help you make up your mind."

Hell no, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to have to deal with it. He wants to run away and forget about everything. He wants to erase himself from everyone’s life because he only hurts people he loves. But he can’t. So talking about it is the only option.

 

It’s terrible. They are making lists of pros and cons as if this was about buying a car. But they are trying to figure out who’s heart he’s going to break. And it feels terrible. Dean wants to scream and cry and punch something. And he wants to drink but Sam won’t allow it. He’s right, Dean should do this sober, but he really wishes there was something to dull the pain in his chest that is suffocating him.

"Dean, I shouldn’t say this. You won’t like it but... I have to."

"Go ahead, Sammy. You can’t make this worse."

Sam takes a deep breath before he speaks. "I think you don’t love her. You love the way she loves you and you feel like you owe her, you feel obliged to love her back. But you don’t. Not the way you love Cas."

Dean considers it for a moment, and then he nods, admitting it might be true.

"But Sam, this is so hard, I can’t do this."

"Yes, you can, but you should sleep on it."

"I doubt I will be able to sleep tonight."

"You don’t have to solve it tomorrow. It may take some time."

"No, no, I have to. I have already waited for too long."

"Alright."

"Sam? Can I crash on your couch tonight? I don’t want to go home."

"Of course."

He calls Lisa and he knows she will suspect he’s lying, so he makes some silly excuse to make her talk with Sammy, so she can be sure he’s really with him. They continue talking until 2am, even though this time it’s mostly Dean moaning and pitying or hating himself. He doesn’t even sleep  when Sam joins Sarah in the bedroom. He thinks it through, over and over again. He makes list of all good things he was through with each of them, then he makes list of the bad things. He falls asleep absolutely exhausted  after Sam goes to work. They exchange a few words before he leaves.

"You can stay, Sarah has a day off, she will make you breakfast. I will call your work and tell them you are sick."

"Thank you, Sammy."

"No problem."

"Sam? Did you tell Sarah?"

"No, she knows nothing, only that you are dealing with some personal shit."

"Okay."

"Try to sleep."

"Yeah."

 

He wakes up at noon. Sarah takes care of him, she doesn’t ask anything, just shoots him concerned looks when she thinks he doesn’t see her. If she only knew what he’s going to do to her friend, she wouldn’t look at him like that.

With some caffeine in his veins and something warm in his stomach, he collects enough mental strength to thank her and head home.

He feels like he’s observing himself from distance. He enters the house, Lisa’s at home, he walks to the living room, she jumps from the couch and greets him with a kiss on a cheek. Something cold and sleazy curls around his stomach.

"Are you okay? You look pale. Are you hungover?"

"No, I’m okay. I need to talk to you," his voice sounds numb, like it belongs to somebody else.

"Okay, actually, I need to talk to you too." Her smile is so bright it makes Dean dizzy. He knows he’s going to wipe it off her face.

"You should start," he says and flops on the couch. She seems impatient to spit out whatever it is she wants to tell him. He can’t deny her this last joy.

She sits beside him and takes his hands into her warm palms, she takes a deep breath.

"Dean, I’m pregnant." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m sorry for the cliff-hanger. You can kick my shin or yell at me in comments. I also have a [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you for all your comments here and on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/). I love you all and I love that you are so emotionally invested in this story. I want to send you cookies and blankets and napkins and copious amounts of alcohol. I wish I could hug every single one of you. Please be patient, the pain will pass eventually, but not just yet.

**So I watched the world tear us apart**   
**A stoic mind and a bleeding heart**   
**You never see my bleeding heart**

 

"What?"

"I’m pregnant, Dean! I was suspicious for a few weeks but yesterday I talked to my doctor and it’s official. We are gonna have a baby!" She' almost squealing.

"But... how?"

"The doctor said it happens sometimes. When the couple stop trying and they don’t feel under pressure it just happens!"

"Wow." Dean has to remind himself to breathe. His vision blurs and he feels like floating and sinking at the same time.

"I know it’s unexpected, but Dean! Our wishes finally came true! We are gonna have a baby!"

"Yeah, it’s awesome," somebody says, probably Dean, even though his mind is somewhere else. Screaming and running around in panic, possibly.

Lisa throws herself on his lap and wraps her arms around him. Her sweet perfume makes him snap out of it. He’s going to be a father. He’s going to have a baby. He hugs his wife and buries his face in her hair. He’s shaking but it’s okay, she will think it’s because of excitement.

He types a text to Sam: Lisa is pregnant. I’m gonna tell Cas tomorrow. 

Sam calls him but Dean doesn’t answer it.

He drinks, it’s okay to celebrate such good news, right? He drinks and Lisa doesn’t care. Only when he’s drunk enough, is he able to show some joy. He does actually feel happy, he’s gonna be a father and the alcohol helps him forget what else that means.

It hits him next morning when he goes to work with an awful hangover but it’s nothing against the ache of his heart.

He goes to Cas’apartment right after work. He told Lisa he wants to tell him about the baby and celebrate with him and she doesn’t protest even though she frowns when he tells her he might stay overnight.

Cas opens the door and his hair is mussed and his eyes are bright and he’s so damn beautiful and so good, so good for Dean. He’s the best thing that ever happened to Dean, no actually he’s the second best thing, the first best thing is the reason why Dean has to break his big pure heart right now.

"You look pale, Dean. Are you okay?"

"I’m a bit hungover."

"Oh, I will make you some coffee," Cas offers and shuts the door behind him.

"Wait, Cas," he stops him. He can’t stand this. He can’t let him do more good things for him. "I have to tell you something."

Cas frowns and nods and Dean can feel he’s preparing himself for the worst. So he tells him the worst.

"Cas... fuck, I can’t do this..." he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and tries again. "Lisa is pregnant."

Castiel breathes out, then he looks at the ceiling, there are tears in his eyes, he wipes them with his hand.

"Dean... that’s awesome. Congratulations, I’m happy for you." He tries so hard to sound convincing but his voice is breaking. And it’s wrong, it’s so wrong. He should be angry, he should punch him, he should wish him dead not happy, but he’s so good, so good, too good for Dean.

"Cas, fuck I... " he makes a step towards him but Cas backs off, out of his reach.

"I suppose it mean’s... this is the end."

Dean nods. "Cas, with the baby I can’t..."

"I get it, Dean. I get it. I’m glad you came to tell me personally."

"I’m sorry, Cas." He is. For everything. For ever crossing Cas’ path. For making him sad. He’s so sorry. It feels like somebody broke all his ribs at once and they stabbed his heart, he can’t breathe and he knows he deserves it.

"Don’t be."

Dean doesn’t know how to reply and the silence is stretching uncomfortably so he just nods and reaches for the doorknob. "Goodbye, Cas."

"Goodbye, Dean."

But it’s not enough. What they had... it can’t end just like this. He stops but he doesn’t look at Cas.

"Don’t let me leave like this. Don’t let me leave like this didn’t mean anything."

There’s no response, just silence and his own blood pounding in his ears. He looks up and meets the most beautiful blue eyes, the galaxies he wanted to get lost in. Cas places a hand on his shoulder.

"Let’s drink."

They drink in silence, sitting across from each other on the living room floor but the distance closes every time one of them passes the bottle to the other. It’s hard to say who initiates the touching. It starts with a brush of fingers but when a half of the bottle is gone and they are already sitting shoulder to shoulder, they hold hands or stroke each other’s thigh gently. Somehow Dean ends up lying with his head in Cas’ lap, Cas runs his fingers through Dean’s hair. He’s looking at Dean’s long lashes, at the constellations of freckles on his nose and cheeks. He wants to savour this moment. He knows he will be angry, he will be mad and heartbroken. But right now he just wants to collect all the happiness Dean’s presence induces. Maybe if he manages to fill his heart with it, it won’t disappear when Dean’s gone.

"Cas? There’s one thing I want from you before I go... even though I know I don’t have a right to want anything."

"What is it?"

"Can you... I want you to fuck my mouth."

Cas feels blood rushing to his cheeks. Something so carnal should totally ruin the moment, but Cas knows what it means for Dean. He remembers the promise he gave him after their first night together. He understands that Dean doesn’t want to leave before they keep promises they gave each other. So he leans down and kisses him.

He knows Dean’s broken, he can feel it in the kiss, in the way he clings to him, arms wrapped around Cas’ neck. He should be broken too, but he can’t think about his own pain when he sees Dean like that.

"Are you sure?" he asks, caressing Dean with light touches and soft kisses.

Dean nods. "Please, Cas."

So Cas raises to his feet and lets Dean pull down his pants. The sun is setting outside and it paints the whole room red, bestows Dean’s eyes an unique color. Cas stares at him, kneeling in front of him so sad yet so beautiful and he realizes how lucky he is to have Dean, if only for a limited time. He rubs Dean’s lower lip with the pad of his thumb and when Dean opens his mouth he feeds him his cock, pushing in slowly, carefully. Dean’s lids fall close as if Cas was the best thing he ever tasted, it makes Cas heart flutter. He fists his fingers in Dean’s hair and starts to fuck his mouth, giving him time to adjust, looking for every sign of discomfort. But Dean takes him like a pro, gripping Cas’ hips to steady himself, moaning when the head of Cas’ cock hits the back of his throat. Castiel loves it, he’s losing himself in the hot wetness of Dean’s perfect mouth. When his hips stutter and his thighs start to shake, his orgasm approaching, he tugs at Dean’s head. "Dean, I’m gonna..." But Dean tightens his grip on Cas’ hips and pulls him closer, taking him in deep. Cas comes down his throat with a strangled cry of "Oh god, Dean!" and Dean sucks him dry until he’s spent and shaking. He tumbles to his knees and pulls Dean into a kiss. He loves the taste of his own come on Dean’s lips and tongue. When they break apart, Dean hugs him, hiding his face in the crook of his neck. Cas rubs his back and strokes his hair. He reaches between them, planning to return the favor and jerk Dean off. Surprise runs through him with Dean’s sharp intake of breath. Dean’s not aroused and when he moves in Cas’ arms, Cas feels wetness on his neck. He grips Dean’s shoulders, forcing him to look at his face. There’s a wet streak on his cheek. "Dean? Oh my god, Dean! Did I hurt you? Baby, did I hurt you?"

Dean looks away. "No, Cas, no, I liked it..." his voice is breaking, he’s holding back tears.

"Dean, you are crying. Please, tell me what’s wrong! Please!" Cas’ eyes are wide with fright, he cups Dean’s face with his palms. Dean clenches his teeth and shuts his eyes, another big hot tear runs down his cheek, he takes a breath, it sounds more like a sob. "I chose you, you know? I chose you, Cas." He blurts out. "It was the hardest thing ever, but I chose you and I went home to tell Lisa. I wanted to break up with her but she... " another dry sob breaks him. Cas’ heart is like a bird fluttering it’s wings frantically, breaking them against his ribs. He reaches for Dean who tries to catch his breath and presses him against his chest. Dean’s shaking in his arms, crying, his tears soak Cas’ shirt.

"I can’t Cas, I can’t... with the baby... I can’t be like my father and leave... I can’t do that to my own child." Cas pushes him away again. "Look at me, Dean, look at me!" He doesn’t know how he manages to keep his voice so calm but it works. Dean sniffs and looks at him. His eyes are light, as if all their color was washed away with tears.

"You will be a great father. And you will be happy, Dean. Promise me that you will be happy. It’s the only thing I ever wanted." His voice breaks at the end.

"But what about you Cas?"

"I will be okay. I always am."

 

When Dean wakes up, he feels exhausted as if he hasn’t slept at all. Cas stirs when Dean untangles himself from his arms but doesn’t wake up. Dean draws a blanket over him and goes to take a shower. When he comes back, Cas is still snoring softly and Dean is grateful. It’s easier this way, it’s easier but it breaks his heart. He presses his lips to Cas' teple, breathing in the smell of Cas’ hair. He feels tears in his eyes, he wipes them with the back of his hand and sniffs. “Please be okay,” he whispers, takes a last look at Cas' sleeping form, and leaves.


	22. Chapter 22

**Oh please don’t cry, you liar**   
**Oh please don’t cry, you liar**   
**Oh please don't cry, you liar**   
  
**And you lean in for your last kiss**   
**Who in this world could ask me to resist**   
**Your hands cold as they find my neck**   
**Oh this love that I've found, I detest**

It’s been months. Lisa’s baby bump is pretty prominent now and the guest room has already been turned into a nursery. Just yesterday Lisa felt the baby moving for the first time. Dean was in the middle of typing a text to Cas, then he changed his mind. They didn’t stop talking, not at once at least. They still texted each other. The silly "that one thing reminded me of you" kind of texts. But it got too painful eventually and their communication died out. Saying Dean still wasn’t over this whole "thing"- their affair, romance, whatever it was,- would be the understatement of the century. Cas is a constant presence in his mind. When he’s choosing furniture for the nursery, he’s wondering what Cas would think about it. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, his whole body hurts as if there was a gaping wound in his chest. He misses Cas, every minute of every day. He manages to look normal, hiding everything under a facade of a happy father-to-be. The only person who ever sees his mask slip is Sam. He never says anything, for which Dean is really grateful. Sam just gives him sympathetic looks or pats on his shoulder.

It’s hard but he has his family and a baby on a way while Cas is alone, and the thought makes Dean’s chest constrict with guilt.

One day, when everything was too much, he went to the gallery. He doesn’t know what he was thinking. One part of him prayed for Cas to be there while the other one didn’t actually want to meet him. He just wanted to see the trails of Cas, to bask in his presence without having to confront him. The trails of Castiel in the gallery were much more prominent than he’d expected. When he saw the painting, his heart skipped a beat. It was right there, displayed to everyone to see, oh god, there was even a price! Castiel wanted to sell his painting. THEIR painting. The one they painted together with their bare hands. Dean couldn’t let this happen, the thought of someone buying it made his stomach into knots. He bought it. He shouldn’t have, they need every penny now with the baby on the way but... he had to. When he had the huge canvas in his hands, wrapped in paper, he realized that he couldn’t bring it home. He called Sam, begging desperately for help. His brother came with his huge car and they brought the painting to his house where they stored it  in the attic. Sam didn’t say anything when Dean explained that the painting is Castiel’s work, he just gave him that knowing look full of pity that Dean hated. But that was weeks ago. Since then he found himself doing some silly little rituals that keep him sane. Every day on his way home he drives around the apartment building Cas lives in. It calms him down to see that there’s a light in his window and his ugly car is parked in front of the building. It assures him that Cas is still there, that he’s safe. But today something is off. It’s the car, one can’t simply overlook such a car. It’s a white convertible Austin-Healey parked right next to Cas’ Honda. Dean hears Cas’ voice in his head: "He’s peculiar, but he’s a good man. And he drives a convertible Austin-Healey". Balthazar, he’s here, in Cas’ apartment. Dean’s blood starts to boil in his veins. Before he realizes what he’s doing, he parks the Impala and almost runs to the building. Once he stands in front of Cas’ door, he hesitates. It’s stupid, he shouldn’t be jealous, they are just friends, colleagues. But now that he’s here, so close to Cas, only the wooden door separating them...  He knocks on the door, his heart beating fast in his chest and he can feel sweat raising on his forehead.

Balthazar opens the door. He has his stupid British smirk on his stupid British face and he’s not wearing a shirt, he’s actually not wearing pants either, he’s only in black briefs.

"Dean? What a surprise." Dean stares at him, unable to move, he wants to wipe the smug smile off of his face but he’s too shocked.

"What’s... Dean?" Castiel frowns at him. He’s naked, towel wrapped around his narrow hips, his hair wet. Dean looks at him and his body finally starts functioning again.

He grabs Balthazar’s shoulder and drags him out of the door. "Get the fuck out!" he yells at him.

"What the hell?" Balthazar shouts when Dean throws his shoes at him and slams the door in his face. He turns around to face Castiel who’s standing there in his towel, staring at him, shoulders tense. He’s angry, Dean can see it in the way he’s absolutely still but there’s a storm raging in his eyes. He knows how dangerous this kind of anger is.

"Get out," Castiel says, his voice a deep rumble. 

"No! Cas!" Dean takes a step towards him, not listening to his own instinct of self-preservation.

"Get the fuck out, Dean! You have no right to come here like this!"

"Of course I have the right, you are my..." he trails of, suddenly insecure.

"Your what, Dean?" Castiel barks out and turns away, he heads to the bedroom, probably to get some clothes. Dean follows him.

"What am I to you, Dean? Your guilty pleasure? Your dirty little secret?" he suddenly stops and turns to face Dean, who almost runs into him.

"What am I to you Dean?" he shouts this time, making the hair on the back of Dean’s neck stand up.

"Because to me, you are the love of my life, you fucker!" he spits out like an offense and Dean snaps like a cornered animal.

He wraps his hand around Cas’ throat, pushing him towards the bed until the back of his legs bump into it and he falls down. Dean tumbles on top of him pressing him into the mattress.

"You know what you mean to me! I told you! I told you I chose you!"

"Did you? Did you? Did you really? So where have you been for last three months?"

Dean’s grip on Cas’ neck loosens, he places his hands on both sides of Cas’ head instead, hovering above him like a predator.

"I couldn’t... you know I couldn’t!"

"Yes, you could! You could long before she got pregnant! You could, Dean, but you didn’t! You didn’t want to choose! You wanted both of us but you can’t!" He tries to push Dean away, but to no avail.

"Then I’m choosing you!" Dean barks out and leans in to kiss Cas, who doesn’t kiss back and struggles to get away from him instead. Dean grabs his hands and pushes them on the bed.

He’s losing him. He didn’t lose him when he told him they can’t be together. He didn’t lose him then, because there was still hope, but now Cas is moving on, he’s slipping from Dean’s hands and Dean can’t let this happen. He can’t lose him. He would do anything, he knows he has lost his mind but he is ready to do anything to make Cas stay with him.

"Cas please! I’m here now. I need you! I want you! I can’t lose you AGAIN, I can’t!" He tries to kiss him again and this time Cas opens his mouth and let’s him in with a frustrated sound.

"I want you, Cas, so much. I missed you," Dean whispers, forehead resting on Cas’ collar bone, he pushes the towel away and fists Cas’ cock.

He moans and arcs his back. "No! No Dean! You can’t come here and... and just take me. Fuck!"

Dean looks at him. "But you are mine, Cas! You know it!"

"But I don’t want to!" he shouts, desperate but Dean’s lips are on his again and he kisses back, it’s deep, angry, passionate, all tongue and teeth. Cas wraps his legs around Dean’s waist and digs his fingers into the skin of Dean’s shoulder. Dean groans, his hands roam over Cas body. No matter what Cas’ head is telling him, his body seems to have a mind of its own, it’s becoming pliant, melting into Dean’s touch. He doesn’t want to want him, but he can’t help himself. He wants Dean to be his and he wants to be Dean’s.

"Cas, please," Dean mutters against Cas’ neck.

"I hate you! I hate you, Dean!" he cries out, he’s breaking.

Dean trails open mouthed kisses over Cas’ neck and chest while his hands slide to his hips and ass. He wants him, he wants him like never before. He wants to claim him.

He sucks on his two fingers then finds Cas’ hole and slips one in. Cas moans but takes him in easily. Dean freezes. Cas’ is loose, not as loose that he could take him without preparation, but more than Dean expected, more than he should, if he didn’t...  A wave of anger washes over Dean, making him see red.

"Did he... did he fuck you? Did you let Balthazar fuck you?”

Cas shakes his head vehemently. "No he just... just fingers..."

It doesn’t calm Dean down, not a bit. The thought of someone touching Cas, touching HIS Cas, makes him furious. He needs to claim him, to make sure he’s his, and his alone. He uses three fingers to work him open. Cas moans but it’s not a sound of pleasure, his fist hits Dean chest. "Slow down you fucker! Slow down! You are hurting me!" his voice is rough with anger. Dean finally snaps out of his furious, senseless state, he withdraws his hand and sits back on his heels, staring at Cas. What the fuck is he doing? He was about to hurt Cas, to take him without his consent. What has happened to him? When did he lose his mind? He runs a hand over his face, feeling tears in his eyes. "Cas, I’m sorry. Fuck! I’m so sorry."

"You are such an idiot Dean." Cas sits up so they are facing each other, Dean sitting in Cas’ lap.

"I think I’m going crazy without you, Cas." Castiel doesn’t answer, he’s looking at Dean, eyes hard, lips pressed tightly together.

Dean’s chest is burning, he’s drowning in the cold blue of Cas’ eyes.

"I love you," his voice breaks in the middle of the short sentence.

Cas shakes his head, "Liar."

Desperation rips through Dean’s heart. He doesn’t know what to do, how to make Cas believe him. He blew his last chance and everything is lost. So in the last desperate effort to make things right he cups Cas’ face and kisses him. He tries to pour everything into the kiss, his love, his sadness, regret, guilt. Everything he has ever felt for Cas, everything Cas means to him... and Cas means everything.

At first Cas’ lips are hard and unresponsive but then he melts into the kiss and Dean feels his hands, warm and gentle, on his back and in his hair. They kiss until they can’t breathe and then some more. Dean pulls Cas, panting and trembling, into a hug. He wants to say so many things, he wants to apologize, he wants to say everything will be alright, but he can’t find the right words. The only word that sounds right he breaths out "Cas." He feels Cas’ arms tighten around him and his shaky breath tickles on his neck. Cas brushes his lips against the shell of Dean’s ear. "Just take it slow," he whispers and it takes Dean a moment to realize what he means. He looks at him, surprised. "You want me to..."

Cas shuts his eyes and nods. He wants it, he wants Dean to fuck him. He already fucked him over, so he can actually fuck him as well. He’s broken, ruined, and this is the last part of him Dean didn’t have, the last part he didn’t give him to ruin. But he wants to, he wants to be destroyed, he wants to cease to exist and he wants to do so in Dean’s arms.

 

But Dean is gentle this time, maybe too gentle for Cas’ liking. He writhes on the bed, sighing "I hate you," when Dean covers his chest with soft kisses. "I hate you," he moans when Dean sucks the head of his cock into his mouth, "I hate you," when his fingers graze over his prostate, "I hate you," when Dean enters him, slowly, carefully, rubbing his hipbones and kissing his neck.

Dean looks at his face and doesn’t believe it when he sees Cas below him, beautiful, strong Castiel giving himself to Dean. In this moment Dean realizes that this man gave him everything, he gave up everything for him, he loves him in a way nobody ever could. His heart aches because he knows he doesn’t deserve it, that he hurt Cas in so many ways, in unforgivable ways. He feels a burning at the back of his throat and swears he will never let it happen again, he will never hurt Cas again. Cas makes a small desperate sound and bucks his hips, urging Dean to move, so he rolls his hips and fucks Cas deeply. "I hate you," he cries out and his nails scratch Dean’s skin, leaving long burning marks all over his back. Dean kisses him and whispers his name over an over again, as an apology, as a promise. Cas wraps his legs and arms around Dean and Dean squeezes his eyes shut, drowning in the feeling of Cas surrounding him, he thrusts harder, hitting Cas’ prostate almost every time. He feels him stiffen in his arms. Cas throws his head back and comes, crying out brokenly. "I love you!" 

Dean makes a strangled noise and when Cas sinks his teeth in the flesh of his shoulder, he is tipped over the edge. When he comes back to his senses, he cleans them up quickly. Cas doesn’t cooperate, he lies on his back, one arm draped over his face, but when Dean pulls him into his arms and makes him the little spoon, he doesn’t protest and even presses himself against Dean’s chest. He sighs contently when Dean kisses the back of his neck, tasting his sweaty skin. The gentle sound makes Dean’s heart swell.

"I love you too," it slips from his lips much easier than he would ever expect, so he says it again. "I love you, Cas, I love you."  Cas’ shoulders shake with sobs, but Dean doesn’t do anything, he just holds him tight untill his breathing evens and the tears dry on his cheeks then he says it again. "I love you," but this time Castiel doesn’t hear him, already fast asleep.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this update took me so long. I had to write some things for school. But I have good news! This fic is finally finished and I will post the last chapter as soon as it's beta'ed! This chapter is short and there's a cliffhanger, but better than nothing, right?

**So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light**   
**'Cause oh that gave me such a fright**   
**But I will hold as long as you like**   
**Just promise me we'll be alright**

 

Sam has already left for work and Sarah is just cleaning after breakfast when the doorbell rings.

"Lisa? What are you doing here? Are you okay?"

"Is Dean here?"

"No, why would he... Lisa, what happened?" She notices Lisa’s eyes are red from crying. She wraps her arm around Lisa’s shoulder and leads her to the kitchen. Lisa sniffs loudly.

"Dean didn’t come home, he didn’t even call. He must be with her again," she bursts out, her voice breaking.

"With her? You mean he’s cheating on you? I thought it ended when you told him you’re pregnant."

"It did but now..." she sobs, "Sarah, the only other option is that... that something happened to him and I..." another sob, "I´d rather have him cheating on me than..." She can’t hold back her tears, she hides her face in her hands and cries. Sarah rubs her shoulder. "Lisa, please, try to calm down, take a deep breath, you need to calm down, this isn’t good for the baby." Lisa nods and takes a shaky breath.

"I called the hospital but there’s no one fitting his description."

"There must be another explanation."

"Yes, there is! He’s with his whore again!" Lisa yells but when she sees the startled expression on Sarah’s face, she calms down. "I... I came here because... maybe Sam knows something. Maybe he’s covering him. I just need to know who she is," she tries to wipe her nose with the sleeve of her coat but Sarah hands her a box of Kleenex.

"Don’t tell me Sam doesn’t know. They share everything," she continues when she blows her nose.

Sarah bites her lower lip. "Lisa, I might know where Dean is."

"What?" Lisa almost jumps from her seat.

"Calm down, Lisa, or I’m not telling you anything!"

"You should have told me long ago! Why didn’t you tell me, Sarah?"

 "Because I wasn’t sure! I just... I overheard something one night, I wasn’t sure. Then you said he stopped so there was no reason..."

"Okay, tell me now."

Sarah frowns and looks at her hands, contemplating, then she stands up and walks to the key rack. She grabs a set of keys and hands them to Lisa. "I will give you an address."

* * *

 

Dean wakes up with Cas cuddled against his chest, head tucked under his chin. He feels a surge of happiness as he kisses his mussed dark hair and runs his hand up and down his muscled back. Cas makes a disgruntled sound and nuzzles at Dean’s neck, snuggling closer. The memories of the last night rush into his mind and Dean feels his chest constrict. He remembers how angry they both were, he hears Cas’ I hate you’s in his head again. He remembers almost losing control.

"Cas?"

"Mmm?"

"I’m sorry if I hurt you."  _If? Who are you kidding, Winchester? Of course you hurt him! If not physically, then in every other way imaginable, you hurt him how no one ever should._

"I let you," Cas murmurs. And it’s true. Castiel knows it, he knows he could have fought Dean off and sent him away if he wanted. And he knows that Dean isn’t the only one to blame for all the emotional pain. He can’t blame Dean for being reluctant to leave the person he promissed to love and cherish all the days of his life. Castiel was the one who started it and he could have ended it, but he didn’t. There’s actually no one to blame, emotions are just too messy and they weren’t lucky enough, the faith was never easy on them. His hand roams over Dean’s arm and he can feel the swollen skin where his fingernails left bloody marks. He had never marked Dean, he was always so careful to not leave an evidence. Until now. Something tells him that it’s a breaking point.

Dean takes a deep breath and finally breaks the heavy silence.

“I shouldn’t have rushed here like I did. I didn’t have a right to.”

Cas looks at him and sees the guilt and regret written all over his face.

“No, you didn’t.”

“But, I... Cas, the thing is that I’m not over you. Not at all. I think about you every hour of every day. Fuck that’s how I found out Balthazar was here, I was practically stalking you. I’m not over you and I doubt I ever will be. Because I don’t want to be.”

He awaits Cas’ answer nervously, but much to his dismay Cas just sighs and shuts his eyes. He takes a few calm breathes while Dean watches him, frustrated.

"I sold our painting." he says when he looks at him again and it’s so random, yet so relewant that Dean his totally taken aback.

"I’m so sorry. Balthazar wanted to exhibit my works and Gabe talked me into it and then Balthazar put a price on it because he knew I needed money and then somebody came and bought it and I tried to find out who it was so I could buy it back, but I couldn’t and," he finally stops to take a breath so Dean takes the oportunity to interrupt.

"It was me."

Cas stares at him, mouth agape, eyes wide.

"I went to the gallery and I saw it there and I couldn’t let you sell it so... I bought it. It’s in Sam’s attic."

Cas swallows, but he doesn’t move. There’s a change in his eyes, Dean can see something there, he thinks it’s affection.

"I love you, Cas," he says softly and for the first time since he found the courage to say it, he knows that Cas believes him. He closes his eyes and nods, he lets Dean kiss him.

Dean is almost overwhelmed by the wave of happiness that fills his heart, then their lips break apart and he loses his confidence, realizing that it’s not over yet.

"So you and Balthazar... are you together now?" 

Cas shakes his head.

"We are just friends. Friends with benefits, I would say. I think I used him as an excuse to stay in Kansas while in fact I was... I was hoping you might come back."

"I did."

"Did you really?" Dean swallows around the lump in his throat, staring into Cas’ deep eyes, hopeful, yet so sad. He knows it’s now or never, he has to say what he feels even though he has no idea how to phrase it.

"Cas I... I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I was stupid and selfish and I get it if you won’t want me back but if you do... If you do, Cas, I want to be with you, with you only. I will tell Lisa, I know I should have done it long ago, I know it’s the worst time now but I can’t... I just can’t put you through this again. I don’t want to hurt you ever again. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, you are worth everything, Cas and I... I’m losing my mind without you, I’m a much better man with you. So please, if you want me..." he licks his lips, his mouth feels dry. "Do you? Do you want me Cas?"

Cas opens his mouth to say something but then his eyes dart to the door. "Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"It sounded like..."

The door flies open. She’s standing there looking like a fury, hair mussed, eyes wide and bloodshot, her swollen belly in front of her like a shield.

Lisa doesn’t move, her eyes dart from Dean to Cas, shooting daggers. They are both shell-shocked, unable to do anything.

"So it’s him?" she shrieks. "I knew you were cheating, you dickhead, but with him? That’s too much, motherfucker!" She grabs a lamp standing on the table next to the door and throws it at Dean. He dodges but one of the shards cuts his cheek. It stirs Cas into an action, he sits up. "Lisa, Lisa, listen to me, you need to calm down."

"Shut the fuck up, you whore! You lied to me! You looked me in the eye and lied to me!"

He opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything because he sees Lisa falter. She leans against the doorfarme, all the color drains from her face.

"Lisa! You okay?" Dean’s on his feet in an instant. Lisa makes a pained sound and bends over, hands pressed to her belly. She cries out again when Dean wraps his arms around her to support her. "No, no," she whines when a dark wet stain spreads over the crotch of her pants.

"Fuck... fuck," Dean breaths out, his face is pale and eyes wide with fear when he looks at Cas. "Call an ambulance!"

"No, it will be faster if we take her by car."

Dean fortunately has his shirt and boxers on, before he manages to take Lisa to the car, Cas puts on pants and t-shirt. "I will drive," he says when he catches up on them.

Dean takes the back seat with Lisa in his arms. She digs her fingernails into his forearms every time she grunts in pain. "My baby," she sobs, "if I lose my baby, I will kill you, I will kill you both." Hot tears run down her cheeks when Cas checks on her in the rearview mirror. He looks at Dean, his eyes are closed and his lower lip is trembling when he whispers comforts. "It will be okay, everything will be okay."

He focuses on the road but he feels a cold claw of anxiety clutching at his throat. If Lisa loses her baby, Dean’s baby, it will be his fault and he will never be able to forgive himself.

"We need help!" Cas shouts when they enter the hospital hall. A nurse with a wheelchair rushes to them.

"How far along is she?" another nurse barks at them.

"Twenty weeks," Dean answers. She nods and looks at Dean and Cas, until now Dean hadn’t realized he took Cas’ hand. "Are you her family?"

"Yes, I’m her husband."

"Come with me, I need you to fill some papers." Dean looks at Cas who nods reassuringly and lets go of his hand. "I will wait here."

Dean nods, trying to collect himself, and follows the nurse.


	24. Chapter 24

Cas sits on the uncomfortable chair in the hospital hall, he taps his foot on the floor nervously. He should be worried about Lisa and the baby and he is, really, he is, but he can’t stop thinking about Dean and what he said. He was basically begging him to take him back. But does he want to? Cas shifts on his seat. Of course he wants Dean, there’s nothing in the whole world he would want more. But he wishes circumstances were different. How can he trust Dean after everything? He promised to never hurt him again, but how can Cas be sure that Dean won’t act like a coward again? And will he even want to keep his word now when Lisa is in trouble or will he back-pedal? Cas’ stomach is churning. He’s confused. He doesn’t know what he wants anymore. One part of him is telling him he should have more self-worth and tell Dean to leave him alone. But he thinks about all the lonely nights, he remembers all the moments when he wanted Dean by his side, he knows that being with Balthazar feels wrong. He wants Dean, but he wants things to be different.

His heart stutters when he sees Dean coming back to him. He looks ridiculous dressed just in shirt, boxers and boots, but what strikes Castiel is how pale he is, the worry and guilt written in his face. Cas acts on instinct, jumps from his seat and spreads his arms so Dean can collapse into a hug. He’s shivering when Cas rubs the back of his neck.

"She will be okay, everything will be okay," he whispers into Dean’s ear. Dean nods and sighs heavily. He squeezes Cas tightly and kisses his jaw, and when he pulls away his eyes are glistening with tears.

"Cas? What did she mean when she said you lied to her?"

Cas’ eyes widen. "She was... she was suspicious. Remember when we went fishing? She asked me if there is another woman. So I told her there isn’t."

Dean huffs out a mirthless laugh and pinches the bridge of his nose. If Cas had told him, if he had known Lisa had been suspicious, he could have done something. He would have left Lisa before she got pregnant and nothing of this would have ever happen.

"Why didn’t you tell me?"

"I was scared. I thought you would choose her and leave me."

"You are so stupid, Cas," Dean breathes out. Cas stiffens and frowns.

"Stupid for having an affair with married man or stupid for falling in love with my best friend?" his voice is harsh and cold, Dean looks at him, surprised by the sudden change.

"I should go. I hope Lisa will get better soon," he says coldly and turns away, but Dean grabs his wrist.

"Wait, Cas. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me now. I need you, more than ever." Castiel stares at him, still frowning, lips pressed into a thin line. Then his face softens, he wrenches his wrist from Dean’s grip just to take his hand. They sit down side by side, Dean rests his head on Cas’ shoulder and hums contently when Cas runs his fingers through his hair. He’s still scared, scared of everything, but the warmth of Cas’ body and his gentle touches help him relax at least a little bit.

"I don’t deserve you," he sighs and buries his face into the crook of Cas’ neck.

"Actually I think we both got what we deserved."

"What do you mean?"

"I was a coward, I convinced myself that I left you to let you have a happy life, but in fact I was just afraid that you would reject me. I deserved to find you married when I came back. And I was selfish enough to start all this, so I deserve the pain. And you? You were cheating on your wife, so you deserve all the pain it brings. The only one who doesn’t deserve what they are getting is Lisa."

Dean looks at him in awe. "How are you doing this?"

"Doing what exactly?"

"Reasoning everything, forgiving, you are so good, so pure that I sometimes wonder if you are real."

Cas chuckles and shakes his head. "No, I’m not a saint. I just told you that I’m as guilty as you are."

"And you were wrong in one thing. I deserve to suffer much more than I did. For what I did to you and Lisa."

"You did it because you didn’t want to hurt us. Or at least that’s what you believed in. You were a goddamn fool, but than again so am I." Dean shakes his head. He’s glad that Cas forgives him but he will never forgive himself. He pulls Cas into a kiss, slow and sweet.

"I’m scared Cas," he breathes out when he rests his forehead on Cas’ shoulder.

"I know," Cas says softly, it’s the only thing he can say, he can’t promise Dean that everything will be okay.

 

The doctor finds them like this, Dean’s head on Cas’ shoulder, Cas holding his hands, running the pads of his thumbs along the lines in his palms.

"Mr Winchester?"

"Yes, that’s me. How is Lisa?" Dean jumps to his feet.

"Your wife is stabilized." Dean is so relieved he thinks he might black out, but Cas’ hand on the small of his back anchors him.

"And the baby?"

"The baby will be alright as well but Mrs Winchester needs to avoid any stress. We will keep her here for a few days and then she can go home. I strongly recommend she stays in bed until the due date."

Dean nods. "Okay, okay, I will take care of that. Can I see her now?"

The doctor looks at the file in his hands, then back at Dean. "No, you can’t. She doesn’t want to talk to you. But she wants to talk to him," he nods to Cas.

"What?" Dean and Cas exchange surprised looks.

"She said, I’m quoting, don’t let my husband in, but I want to talk with the dickbag who’s there with him. I suppose it means you."

"Yes, that would be me," Cas says and steps forward, Dean stares at him with his mouth agape.

"Okay, I don’t know what’s going on between the three of you, but please try to not make her angry. She needs to stay calm and take rest."

"Of course," Cas nods and follows the doctor.

"Wait!" Dean catches his arm, still looking confused.

"Stay here, Dean, I will talk to her. Everything will be okay." He kisses his cheek and runs after the doctor, who didn’t wait for him.

 

Lisa looks small and fragile in the hospital bed. She looks pale and tired, her eyes are red from crying but despite that she looks calm. She looks at him when he steps inside the room.

"Lisa, I’m..."

"Don’t say you are sorry!" she cuts him off, voice harsh. He remembers what he promised to the doctor and nods. He comes closer and sits on the chair beside her bed. The silence in the room is suffocating.

"The baby will be okay," she says eventually.

"I know and I’m glad to hear so." She looks at him, reading something that must be written over his face but he doesn’t know what it is.

"You love him?"

Cas lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. "I do. I always did."

"Is that why you left all those years ago?" She’s not looking at him, she’s staring at the door, fidgeting with the hem of a blanket that stretches over her pregnant belly.

"You gave him a chance to have a happy life with me. Is that so?"

"Yes," Cas affirms.

"You gave me a chance to make him happy, but I... I didn’t succeed."

"No, Lisa, please, don’t..." She shoots him a look that makes him shut up immediately.

"Do you know how I figured out he was cheating on me?" she doesn’t even wait for his answer, "He was happy. He was the Dean I had fallen in love with again. When you left, some part of him left with you. His life with me was missing something. I thought that a baby might fix it. Neither of us realized that what was missing in his life was you." She takes a deep breath to keep her voice from breaking and continues. "I know I’m not the right one for him, it’s you. I thought he was the right one for me but... but if he was he wouldn’t do this to me, right?" Tears roll down her cheeks. Cas doesn’t know what to say so he just takes her hand that is hanging from the edge of the bed and squeezes it. Lisa squeezes back and smiles through tears.

"I’m...I’m not even really angry. I guess it’s better that it’s you than somebody else but... I’m just so surprised." She wipes her tears with the back of her hand and sniffs loudly.

"Yeah I bet you are."

"I always thought his obsession with Doctor Sexy was suspicious." They both laugh but it sounds a bit hysterical and when Castiel stops laughing, he realizes Lisa is sobbing again.

"I just... I don’t know if I can do this alone," she caresses her belly with her palms.

"Lisa, you are not alone. I know you probably hate the both of us and won’t want to see us but let us help. Please, we can at least support you financially. We will take care of you if you let us."

She bursts into crying, harder than before and Cas watches her alarmed. She shakes her head and wipes her eyes with the blanket.

"I don’t know if I can ever look him in the face again."

"Lisa, I get that but...the baby... it will kill Dean if he isn’t able to be with the baby. I beg you..."

She shakes her head again. "You don’t have to, Cas. Dean is the father of my baby, that won’t change. I want him to help me raise the baby, because I know he’ll be an awesome dad. But I... I need to calm down. I will probably forgive him, but it will take some time."

Cas nods. "Can he come to see you now? He’s worried sick."

She sighs dramatically. "Okay, but tell him that if he tries to say he’s sorry, I will hit him with a lamp and this time I won’t miss."

"Capisce," Cas smiles weekly.

 

**Three years later**

Castiel smiles when he hears the car pulling in the driveway, but he doesn’t look up from his flowers. Only when he hears the high pitched voice calling "Cas!" he stands up and turns around to see the toddler running toward him. "Ben!" he laughs and lifts the little boy into his arms. The kid kisses his stubbled cheek and cringes his little nose. "Scratchy," he complains and holds up a plastic dinosaur. "Dino wanna kiss too!" Castiel obediently kisses the toy’s nose when Lisa approaches them.

"Hey Cas," she handles him a bag with Ben’s stuff.

"Hello Lisa.”

“How was Prague?”

“It was amazing. We really enjoyed it. Dean got bored by all the sightseeing but he loved the cuisine.”

Lisa laughs softly. “So are you looking forward to go back to work?”

“Yeah, I enjoyed the summer break, but I’m glad I’ll see my students soon.”

Lisa nods and smiles, but she stays silent. Sometimes it’s still a bit awkward between them, even though they try to be friends. Cas clears his throat.

“Dean is in the garage, he’s working on the swing Ben wanted so much. Do you want to talk to him?"

"No, that’s okay. I have to go, I will call him later."

"You aren’t still mad at him, are you?" It always makes him anxious when Lisa and Dean fight. He realizes that she has a great power in her hands that could change their lives. If she denied Dean contact with Ben, Cas would feel terrible. Even though Dean never blamed him and never would, he knows he’s the one responsible for their situation. Without him Dean, Lisa and Ben would be a normal family.

"You mean because of the fight last week? No, we talked about it and it’s okay. You know sometimes it’s difficult to make this arangement of ours work, but we are doing good so far, right?" She pinches her son’s freckled cheek and he chuckles, burying his face in the crook of Cas’ neck. Cas smiles at her and nods, he feels a great weight falling off of his heart. She’s right, they are doing great, it’s not perfect, but it works.

"So what’s new?" He asks, rocking Ben in his arms.

"He’s obsessed with dinosaurs as you may have noticed so if you want him to like something, make sure it has dinosaurs on it." Cas nods. She always tells him such things, because Dean always forgets. He’s generally better with Ben than Cas but Cas can handle the practical stuff.

"Carrot is our new enemy number one, don’t try to give it to him if you don’t want to have carrot EVERYWHERE! Seriously, I think I still have some in my shoes."

Castiel chuckles. "I could use this information against Dean," he smirks and Lisa giggles.

"Oh yeah and he has a girlfriend. Two actually."

"I wonder who the kid took after," he mutters and adjusts Ben in his arms.

"Okay, I will pick him up on Sunday, as usual. So be good boys and I will call Dean tonight and check on you." She kisses them both and goes to her car, while Cas and Ben wave at her.

"Let’s go say hi to daddy," Cas says to Ben who bounces in his arms.

"Daddy!" he squeals when they enter the garage.

"Hey there, big boy!" Dean’s eyes sparkle when he sees the two people he loves the most together and Castiel’s heart swells. He loves to see Dean happy. Ben’s legs are wrapped tihghtly around Cas’ body and he doesn’t let go, even when he reaches his tiny arms to hug Dean, sohe pulls the two men close to each other. Cas feels Dean’s hand around his waist and a wave of happiness washes over him. He snuggles even closer, nuzzling at Dean’s neck while Ben forces him to kiss the dinosaur, he smells like freshly cut grass and woodpaint and home.

**And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.**  
 **And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.**  
 **Get over your hill and see what you find there,**  
 **With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it guys, it’s over and I’m happy and sad at the same time. I wanted this story to have some kind of moral but now I’m not sure it really has one, maybe it has many and everyone can find something that speaks to them. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this little story about our favourite dumbasses :)  
> Thank you for reading, for your awesome comments (special thanks to Willbakefordean), for kudos and all the support. Without you I would have never managed to do this. Also, big thanks to my awesome betas and amazing friends Imprise and Renversermonmonde (and let me remind you that they both write as well and you should check out their fics), without them this would be an unreadable mess and I would lose my mind. If you are not fed up with this verse, you might be glad to know I´m already working on a [sequel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1643333/)!


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